This is just going to be irritating if you are still having examinations.

On Thursday, at 7pm, all I really felt was a sense of anti-climax... and a deep aching sadness. Something like the setting of the sun. It was strange because it was the end of exams; and I anticipated that even if I screwed up, I'd enjoy the fact that it was over. But no.

The history exam had been crap. Seriously. I had no fucking idea what to write and it was utterly shit. It left me hoping for a B in the module... But it wasn't just that. Screwing up history was just the cherry on top of the cake. (But... it was more painful than any other subject. The bare naked truth is that history is closer to my heart and to my pride than all the rest. I am not ashamed to say philosophy and logic or econs are trying and they defeat me. But history is a different story. It's always been... comforting. And suddenly, it's not anymore.)

This semester has been long, hard and unsatisfying somehow... It leaves me questioning a lot about myself, as a student, as a good student.

Firstly, I really haven't been as hardworking as I should have been in some modules (ref econs, ref Southeast Asia). And in those which I really worked hard, it doesn't seem to have paid off (ref history). It's frustrating and it makes me think that maybe diligence simply isn't a perfect substitute for intelligence anymore. I've always believe I could just work really hard to make up for not being the smartest girl around. But fuck. No. Maybe it's reached a point where I should just accept Bs and second class honours. Contrary to what Bryan thinks, it will be a truly sad day. I'll feel like I was losing a big part of who I am.

Second scary thought: maybe I'm just not good enough for first class honours. Maybe I only did well in sem 1 because they were all 1101E modules and the cohorts were huge, relatively couldn't care less and the expectations were simply lower.

Another thought that has been weighing on my mind is my writing... which is strange. Harris used to write on my essays "Stop writing like a machine. You need to write like a human being."... which roughly translates into (I think) that I should feel more and stuff. (... I miss him so much somehow)... But anyway. In this semester, at least 2 of my tutors have remarked on my writing. Basically that its good. And it makes me wonder, what if I score because I'm full of bloody fluff. That sucks.

I'm also getting desensitized to exams. Less fear before, less jubilation after. This is what uni does to you. I heard someone describe it once as "like A levels every 6 months... you get used to it"... Which also scares me.

I've been sulking a little. At times, my mind wanders back to the examinations; when you see my eyes glaze over, I am reliving the nightmare.

It doesn't actually feel like I deserve a break. That's the upsetting part. If I truly had a hard but satisfying semester, this entry would be like "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." But feels a bit like I let myself down. Say what you like about my insane standards... I've met them in the past. And this semester, there's just no excuse.

I don't think I was truly coherent here. But. At least it's all out now. Feel better.

Uhm. Thank you, friend. For saying those things to me. Your confidence in me gives me some confidence in me.