The following is Part One of a very large project that someday with lots of work will become a book and a dream come true for me....

Confessions from a Daughter of Cancer Warriors Part One

Acknowledgement:
To my father who left the planet in true warrior fashion, and my mother who lives the warrior life every day thereafter...

Forward:

I’m writing this as a forward as some day it will be a book. It is my hope that with this book that it could possibly lead someone back to the light, realize that they are not alone, give them hope, or let them know that while you think you are the only human on the planet that feels the way you do, I assure you there are many of us. To those of us who are left standing, we stand here as tribute to those we love, we stood witness to a miracle, we bore our pain in silence, we supported when our hearts wanted to beg, we obeyed the bidding of those we loved for a higher good, we stood in silence when our heart wanted to scream to the heavens for mercy, we did what the soul required in order to take that next step in our soul evolution. Our souls do not bear tarnish, even though our physical bodies may; for tarnish is only in the eyes of the beholder, my perceived tarnish only gave me more strength and clarity as a human, every time I feel as though I’ve hit the bottom of my strength I know that there is more to give, because I have survived what hurts the most, to let go of the one I loved the most and eternally see the beauty in it. It is my hope that you too see this beauty.

In this day in age, it is hard to find a person who has not lost someone, loved someone, or been a friend of or even had for themselves the broad an all encompassing disease of cancer. There are a million and twelve books out there that tell so many beautiful stories about survival, encouragement or sadness. I’m not sure what this one is, it is just an outpouring of the soul, and the telling of a story that perhaps is only worth telling in my eyes. It was my vow when I started this project that it does not matter how many it touches only that it touches one, the one that is close to losing their link to life and hope in the future. That is all that matters, for in your life, in your world, one is all that matters, that one person that makes your life more colorful, more glorious, or perhaps, in some cases you do not realize that this person or soul means this to you until you no longer have their hand to hold from day to day. It means nothing. It only matters that you realized you bore witness.

Not a day goes by that I wake up and don’t think first and foremost…. I miss my dad. People say that time heals all wounds. I’m a hands on healer, to me all that is left by a cut is a scar or scar tissue, and that is not true healing. What do you do with scar tissue? You debride it, so that it bleeds and heals clean and true. Healing a emotional scar is no different, you dig and churn until the blood flows, then you can start to heal. Time has not healed my wounds, but it has given me a gift. In witnessing death, we find a gift that is priceless beyond words, and we learn a lesson that is perhaps the greatest of all. Love moves mountains and will move souls if you are willing to face it and be brave. It has the potential to move your soul far beyond what you ever though possible for a capacity for love, you can hold more love than you ever though possible, in one heart, but only if you are brave enough to learn the lesson that love really teaches. It is unconditional. Without the term unconditional you never truly have real love.

I had always thought that I had a healthy grip on mortality, I had a close knit family that was all for one and one for all. I didn’t need the lesson I learned, however, my soul has a timeline of its own, and it chose this lesson for me. Perhaps it was a deal I made in a past life; perhaps I’m blind and took my life for granted in some way without knowing it. I do know that my lesson while great to me pales to the lesson my father’s soul learned through his passing. You haven’t witnessed true intangible beauty until you’ve seen a person come full circle, and their soul transcend. There is nothing like it, and also nothing more painful.

Nobody tells you when you or someone you love is sentenced by a doctor to die that really a life isn’t quite lost, that the truth is that you, and the one you love are given a mission to pick up a sword, a sheath of armor and you go to war. This is not like the wars you see on the screens of your TV. Perhaps even the war on your streets or that comes to your front door. This is a war like no other. It is a war where you fight for what both you wish for; believe in, the life, the soul or the wishes of those you love from day to day. It changes it grows; it always is there, that impending doom of what the doctor told you, the war for life, the war of what you do for those you love the most on this planet. It affects each of us differently; it changes all of us in different ways. But be assured this is the war you fight for your self, and those you love. There is no win or lose, because in the end, life or death, finally through hardship and pain, both win… In the end the soul is transformed as is that of all those who witnessed and took part.

I write this story of my soul and bear all of it on paper in raw black and white for those of you who fight this battle right now, or have fought it, I tell you all my secrets so that you know you are not, and never will be alone. We are warriors too, because all of us fight our battles, whether our life holds in the balance or not. I bear my soul to all of you in order to make you aware that the strength that lives in you is never gone; the flame never goes dead beyond an ember. It lives, it goes on, it sees through of the wishes of those that we loved both that left us and those who hands we may still hold. Please remember as you read on that the heroes you have in this world, should be that of the hands you hold day in and day out.