In the name of using my blog as a place to unburden, I'm going to be completely honest here.

Adjusting to motherhood is much harder than I ever expected it to be.

Those who have known me for years know that I've wanted children for a very, very long time. I couldn't wait for it to be my turn.

When I finally got pregnant, I was overjoyed. I could hardly wait until my baby was born. Except for the bit at the end, I truly did enjoy being pregnant. E- and I read everything we could, talked with friends and family and most importantly with each other about what parenthood.

D- was born and it seemed that all was finally right with the world. She was beautiful and perfect and all ours.

So what happened?

I came home and within a few days the crying started. And hasn't really stopped. I cry becuase I hear a familiar voice on the phone; because E- had to go back to work; because the sun came up. A fair amount of the crying is my head telling me that I just won't be able to do this; that being a parent is just too hard and too big of a commitment. I try to remind myself that it's one day at a time and we'll get through the sleepless nights and me not knowing what the hell to do with a newborn.

I went online. I read all my books. And there's a lot of proof that what I'm going through is pretty normal. As long as I'm still eating, sleeping when I can and not having feelings of harming me or anyone else, I should be able to wait it out. But for I was feeling so alone with it all. It seemed that none of my friends or relatives wne through this. I couldn't remember ever hearing anyone talk about uncontrollable crying jags that lasted for what seems like hours. And I feel so guilty for it all. Because if this is what I truly wanted, why should I be so turned inside out about it, right?

As I can't seem to not cry on the phone, many of my family and friends are aware of the problem. And you've all been wonderful in helping me. I truly thank you. Those of you who have offered potnetial explanations have soothed my mind and those who survived through it have soothed my heart.

Honestly, for the most part, when I'm not crying, life is good. It seems that precious little can be wrong with a sleeping and cooing baby on your chest. I can't believe how lucky I am. It's just that those "other" times are so very difficult. D- has her first checkup on friday with our family doctor so I'll be bringing the matter up with her.

Again, thanks to everyone for their understanding and support.