DuffieMoon

"It's a Dialectic"

Tue, 26 Aug 08 22:18:00 UT

So this has been an interesting few days for me.

1) This weekend was the 41st(!!!) annual block party on our new street
2) I joined a "social networking website"

One was a step into my future (new people, new connections, new situations) and one was several steps back (cause I've looked up everyone from my preschool friends to random crushes to people I couldn't stand).

The block party was really really fun. It honestly felt like I've moved onto the street I grew up on - lots of kids, adults who socialize on a regular basis, people spending time outside with each other. Way cool. And the fact that the friday night adult beer party has had the cops called on it a few times in the past (seriously, how loud do you have to be to have the police show up to a street wide party??)..well... yeah. While it was weird to be one of the "grown ups" (does anyone ever really get used to that?), it was cool to be out and about with a whole new group of people that don't know my history and stories already. I can be a different me with them, if you will.

But then, I spent how freakin' long looking up people from my past?? Which is weirdly addictive and highly annoying. I couldn't stop trying to find people I used to know - all the while asking myself WHY?? Seriously, what was the point? Do I want these people in my life now? If so - how? To check in with every few months or to say "hey, how're you?" or to become chummy chums? Am I just doing checks to see how I measure up comparatively? And if so, wtf?!? I was doing quite lovely, thank you very much, without checking out the chick that made my life hellish in junior high. Or without finding out that said preschool friend is doing stupid well with his life. Or knowing that my crushes really aren't pining away for me (sigh).

Mind you, there are a few people that I found online that made my heart ache in some way - the brother of my friend who passed away; the girl that I believed with all my heart would ALWAYS be one of my closest and dearest friends; people that meant the world to me so intensely and then just...went away.

Oy.

I've had this recurring...thought? fantasy? daydream? urge? I dunno what to call it. But lately, I'm always feeling like I need to stand on the edge and jump. No, not like jump and end it like off a building or a cliff. But it feels like that pregnant pause in a conversation; that part of the story just before the dramatic shift; like I'm on the verge. I suppose this is just one more piece of the puzzle.

Time Passed

Thu, 14 Aug 08 14:41:00 UT

So yeah.

Lots of time has passed and I haven't written a thing. Not that I haven't meant to; I've started lots and lots of entries and then never gotten around to actually posting them. Many of them seemed redundant or uninteresting or I actually forgot that I hadn't posted it and then couldn't remember what I meant to say later. Heh.

Mostly what's been going on has been settling into the house, being mom and um...

Exactly.

I even started a post recently that I realized was way too similar to a previous post. Which started me thinking. As did the fact that I've been cooped up with a Chicken Pocked Dylan for the last week or so. And I've come to a few realizations:

My life has been dominated by fear and anger and the idea of "should".

Of course, many of my nearest and dearest are probably thinking, "ummm...yeah...you didn't know that??". And the answer is no, I didn't. Not to the extent that those things are controlling me.

So changes need to be made. I don't want Dylan to grow up with my (non) sense of self. Or the idea that she should hold herself back because of some stupid made up reason that she's not enough in some way. More than modeling for Dylan, though, I need these changes for me. I remember a time when I was mostly happy with, of course, periods here and there of ick (Life wouldn't be Life without the ick). And I miss the person I was and was on my way to becoming.

In Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk writes, "Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most." and, "The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."

Odd as the book is, these ideas made some sense. To do what I'm most afraid of is, ahem, really scary. And therefore, probably what I should be trying. I've done a few things lately that forced me out of my comfort zone (Oh Muh Gosh, I joined the PTA!! and a Book Club!!) and am trying to find ways every day of saying "I can" instead of "I can't".

It sounds much more impressive than it feels. The day to day is always more complicated that the end montage.

The trickier one is the anger. I haven't any idea how to not be so angry and/or get so angry all the time. At the dumbest things. Seriously. Like today, I found myself getting really worked up at the way people were parking in order to attend a garage sale across the street. Or at my child who was acting like, well, a child.

These are not easy tasks I've set myself. That which is hard and/or new makes me hide like an ostrich. But for my sanity, my health and my family...something has to give.

***************************

Just Read:
*The Lovely Bones by Alice Seabold
*The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman
*Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

Reading:
*Just finished Invisible Monsters...

Going to Read:
*The Bolyen Experience by Phillipa Greggory
*Diary by Chuck Palahniuk

Perspective, Yes?

Mon, 31 Mar 08 19:14:00 UT

So here's my new favorite story about my grandmother:

While getting her new ID card, the gentleman behind the counter stated that at 98, she really shouldn't have to pay for said card anymore. He joked that when she came back at 102, he would pay for the card himself.

Later, my grandmother was discussing that exchange with my aunt and queried, "do you really think he'll still be there??"

-------

Why do I love this story so much? Because it shows the unflagging spirit of a woman who refuses to be stopped. She is 98 years old, has trouble seeing and hearing and yet refuses to sit around feeling sorry for herself. Grandma continues to converse online with her many cyberfriends, gets out of the house as much as she is able and remains chipper whenever I speak with her. It's amazing.

And it's in direct contrast to how I view myself.

I have tended to be one of those people who sit in an unlit room and curse the darkness. I really and truly want to adopt my grandmother's outlook on life and I am making strides (ever so slight as they may be) in that direction. Everyday is a bit of a struggle and everyday I remind myself constantly of who and where I want to be.

I remind myself that life is not a contest and that no one around me is actually keeping score.

I remind myself that there is beauty to be found in even the most ugly of situations.

I remind myself that I have amazing family and friends who have much to teach and show me.

I remind myself that every new day is to be dealt with on it's own terms.

And, I'm reminded of something I once read (and if you know where it's from, please remind me!): "If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you'll just end up sh**ing on today"

:^)

***************************

Just Read:
*Self Storage by Gayle Brandeis
*Maynard & Jennica by Rudolph Delson
*Home from the Vinyl Cafe by Stuart McLean

Reading:
*Scribner Anthology of Contemporary Short Fiction

Going to Read:
*Sweet Hereafter by Russell Banks
*Willful Creatures by Aimee Bender
*Palace of Illusions by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
*Awake in the Dark by Shira Nayman
*Sweetest Dream by Doris Lessing
*Making Money by Terry Pratchett

Findings

Mon, 18 Feb 08 14:12:00 UT

*Said by Gareth in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" : "A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too." "

-------

Packing has been quite the walk down memory lane. I've come across all sorts of memorabilia that I had thought forever lost or had even completely forgotten about. Among the best found objects:

*A tape made by HH in college entitled, "H-'s Bizarre Mix of Totally Unrelated Songs". Which it was. And still is. And is still one of my most favoritist albums (as it were).

*A CD of pictures from my bridal shower and wedding (coincidentally enough, made by HH and her husband...) that contains the only pictures of me and Eric during Hava Nagilah. Whoot

*And today I found a box containing notes/letters written to me by the "almosts" in my life; people I never actually was in relationships with but who, for whatever reason, really wanted that to happen. There are some unbelievable thoughts and poems in there - things that I'm not sure I fully appreciated when I received them. But they're going to continue to be saved so that, in my darker moments, I will remember that I was/am worthy of love by another person.

Yeah, I know that I'm married with child and all. And that I am very very happy with all that I have. But at this stage, fiery love letters aren't par for the course and sometimes, it's nice to look back. Just to look.

And now I'm off to pack more...can't wait to see what else I find...

:^)

EIGHT!!

Fri, 15 Feb 08 13:05:00 UT

So packing is coming along. I've got stupid amounts of newspaper, more tape, a marking pen that actually works and a decent supply of boxes.

But not quite enough book boxes.

Thankfully, Eric and I have already started taking stuff over so I can unload some of the books into this wheeled cart the former owner left and bring the empty boxes back to refill. Esp since it seems that none of the local bookstores seem to want to give me any more boxes. Killjoys, I say.

But the apartment is feeling less and less like home and more and more like a place I'm staying. So that's good. And Eric was actually home for dinner on wednesday which was very very good. I think having us all together really made a difference in our moods. At least it did for me. Dylan is still having a pretty hard time with it all and keeping everything straight (as to what's home and where Daddy is) but she's trying. It wasn't too bad for her with Eric not around but now that I'm devoting more and more time to packing and not specifically to her, she's starting to act out a bit. Nothing unexpected or unreasonable, just finally happening. I expect a few more weeks of chaos and then we should be easing back into a normal routine.

A routine that won't involve hearing someone else's taste in music loudly coming through my walls/floor.

Or breathing in cigarette smoke.

Or having my walls shake from slamming doors.

Or feeling the winter air pouring through the unsealed windows and doors.

And will include being able to park in my own damn driveway.

And do laundry whenever I want without worrying about going through someone else's living space.

And having my own backyard.

And colors on my walls.

And pretty new appliances.

And and and and.

Whoot!

***************************

Just Read:
*Use Me by Elissa Schappell
*Children of Gd Go Bowling by Shannon Olson
*Dogs of Babel Carolyn Parkhurst

Reading:
*Do the Blind Dream by Barry Gifford

Going to Read:
*Nameless Witch by A. Lee Martinez
Whatever I next find at the library...

Regarding Books

Wed, 13 Feb 08 14:34:00 UT

While there is nothing quite like a move to remind you of some of the truly great books you own (and make you dust and clean them), you may start to believe you have too many when you wonder how many subcategories to label the box with:

Books
-Office
--Non Fiction
---Religion
----Women and

-or-

Books
-Dining Room
--Fiction
--- A-C
-----Hardcovers

Thankfully, while I could get that specific (and more), I'm really just denoting the generalities and expect Future Amy to sort is all out next week.

She's so lucky.

(Quick, who can spot an Avoidance Technique???)

Ten Days and Counting...

Wed, 13 Feb 08 14:01:00 UT

We officially move in 10 days.

10.

The house is just about move in ready. Eric has worked his ass off for the last few months. Additionally, many wonderful people have donated time and energy to helping make a house Our Home.

Several more people have lent ears and shoulders and time to help quell the panic and fears surrounding the, "Holy Crap What Have We Done???" storm.

I can't thank my friends enough.

And now I have to pack up the approximately seven billion books that two book lovers have acquired over their lifetimes.

That digital book thing is sounding better and better...

Hmmm...Not What I Was Expecting...

Wed, 23 Jan 08 15:41:00 UT

Quite the nifty quiz I lifted from HH.

Not sure if I really liked/appreciated all the choices for the questions but there seemed to be more than in most of the religion/faith quizzes I've happened upon. I'm REALLY surprised to see 'New Age' and 'Unitarian Universalism' so high. And I'm thinking I need to do a bit more research on 'Liberal Quakers' as I'm completely unfamiliar with that faith (or not, as it were).

"The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking."

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
3. New Age (89%)
4. Liberal Quakers (87%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (81%)
6. Reform Judaism (81%)
7. Jainism (78%)
8. Hinduism (73%)
9. New Thought (72%)
10. Secular Humanism (69%)
11. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (67%)
12. Bahai Faith (64%)
13. Scientology (64%)
14. Sikhism (63%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (58%)
16. Taoism (56%)
17. Orthodox Judaism (56%)
18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist)(55%)
19. Orthodox Quaker (48%)
20. Islam (45%)
21. Nontheist (43%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (24%)
23. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Mormons) (22%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (20%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (14%)
26. Roman Catholic (14%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (11%)

Number Three??

Mon, 21 Jan 08 14:27:00 UT

Sometimes, learning new things is really really really really hard.

And sometimes, ya just have to suck it up and learn. Cause when you stop learning, you stop living.

***************************

Just Read:
*Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs

Reading:
*Box of Matches by Nicholson Baker
*Lots of catalogs and circulars for to fill out the new house

Going to Read:
*Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst
*Use Me by Elissa Schappell
*Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon
*Pig Did It by Joseph Caldwell
*Children of Gd Go Bowling by Shannon Olson
*Do the Blind Dream? by Barry Gifford
*Nameless Witch by A. Lee Martinez
*Stop that Girl by Elizabeth McKenzie
*Big Brown Bag by Mark D'Anna

(can anyone tell I finally got to the library??)

Whew!

Mon, 21 Jan 08 09:42:00 UT

So after a night of worrying and not sleeping (also do in part to Eric snoring fit to beat all), I get up the courage to call my neighbor. And I had barely apologized for barging into her house when she apologized for the whole situation, too.

Sigh-O-Relief.

It turns out she had no idea how loud her daughter was being (the slamming of the doors was happening right under us and much louder in our room) and was told after the fact (by her oldest child) that I had tried knocking and calling to her before I just came in. And she never wanted things to get bad between us cause we had been neighbors and friends for over five years.

So, boys and girls, what have we learned? That sometimes, conflict and confrontation happens. And it's not a deal breaker.

Now if I could just remember that lesson....

Five Weeks

Mon, 21 Jan 08 00:01:00 UT

Seriously??

For the most part, I get along well with our downstairs neighbors. There are several habits that I most certainly not miss and chief among them are the knock down drag out yelling fights. And tonight was a doozy. The youngest child was throwing a tantrum like I haven't heard - yelling, screaming, crying and most importantly, slamming and kicking walls and doors.

She's done it before but never this bad. At first, I even thought someone was trying to break into our house. Then it jarred me more awake. Then it woke up Eric.

I was furious. And not thinking.

Instead of picking up the phone, I flew downstairs. I tried knocking on the open door and the counter but couldn't get be heard. I stepped inside and called out but ended up startling my neighbor. When I "asked" if it was almost done, she told me she was having a fight with her daughter and was trying to get her to stop. I "asked" said child if she was almost done, in that case, and was told by C- not to talk to her kid that way (biting my tongue from commenting at all about the way she talks to her kids cause they are, in fact, hers). I stormed upstairs again shaking and out of breath (really, we all know how well I deal with conflict and confrontation).

I stayed in the back of the house cause I am by nature nosy and that's where most of the arguing happens and I wanted to know if it was really over. And I heard C- rant about me coming into her house and that I could have called. Which, I realized after calming waaaay down, was probably the best thing to have done. But as i said - not thinking, only reacting.

So then what do I do? I start worrying that my neighbor is mad at me and should I call her to apologize for barging in the away I did? And I'm panicking at the potential retaliation that could happen in the next month that we're living together. Because people can't fight and make up in my world, apparently.

And I know I'm going to worry this to death until it's resolved. Which it may or not be soon. So I get to be all weird about what's going to happen until I talk to her again. Do I call her tomorrow? Do I wait to run into her and explain then? Especially since tomorrow is laundry day and I have to go downstairs.

Ugh.

It figures this would happen so close to moving, eh?

Frustration

Tue, 15 Jan 08 15:09:00 UT

AUGH, I say

I'm feeling at such odds with my place in the world - particularly since I can't figure out what place that really is.

And there are times when I'm talking to people about my frustrations and concerns that I'm honestly not sure how much is real and how much is contrived. Or whether or not I'm acurately conveying what's really going on and why it's troublesome. And then I'm often left feeling more unsettled and misunderstood.

Of course, there's the whole issue that we're all going through the same stuff only in different times and ways. Which honestly doesn't help cause then I feel like I'm really overreacting and unable to cope like everyone else seems to be.

Not that anyone really knows what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. We get little snippets and snapshots and glimpses that don't really tell us all that much.

I just feel so disconnected and out of sorts and and and and...

Really, is anyone truly content?

Mind Control

Thu, 10 Jan 08 13:54:00 UT

My daughter seems to be an early practitioner of mind control.

Some of it is pretty blatant, and I guess not technically mind control, like when she tosses a toy my way and states, "you be the _____ and say ______". But still a bit on the control side of things.

Then are the times when she says in a very quiet voice, while reading a book, "where is the ______?" And I dutifully repeat her question a bit louder so that she can proudly show me that she knows exactly where it is.

Along those same lines are when she remarks something similar to "you want go outside" - clearly said as a statement. And the adult nearest her inevitably repeats the statement verbatim, only phrasing it as a question to verify that was, in fact, what was said: "you want to go outside?". To which my daughter very enthusiastically replies, "YES!" and has suckered in another victim. It's actually pretty damn funny when it happens to someone who isn't expecting it.

Her newest bit is to walk up to me and say, "you want to hold me while standing up in the kitchen." It's like the beginner's version of the Jedi Mind Trick. Especially since she's got the big puppy dog eyes down pat.

I'm in so much trouble already...

A New Year...

Sat, 5 Jan 08 13:09:00 UT

My gosh it's been a long time. And I barely even wrote last year. sheesh!

So to catch up: We bought a house. Whoo hoo! While the house is in pretty good condition for having been built in 1915, it needs a bit of TLC. In fact, Eric is over there right now pulling up the rest of the icky 70s era carpeting and tiles. Then there's some electrical work, some plumbing, painting and carpeting.

And then, mid-February, we get to move into our very own home. Yay!!! It's way too soon and way too late. But we'll get there. Dylan has been several times to see it and was comfy enough there to show my parents around when they came by. It was actually pretty damn cute.

Other than the whirlwind of househunting and purchasing (along with a case of the Martian Death Flu during the week we closed), not much has been happening. Which I suppose is why I haven't really written much.

What has been weird is being able to see myself in Dylan as she gets older and her personality gets more and more pronounced. Especially the temper tantrums (which started a few weeks ago). She gets unbelievably easily frustrated when she believes she's not being understood and has started to thrash and throw things and clear shelves and such. In the process of helping her to put words to her frustrations and find the tools to work through her feelings, I've realized that she's doing pretty much what I do but on a different scale. I have caught myself slamming doors and throwing items around when I'm feeling out of control. No wonder she does it. I only hope I can learn along with her. Cause it's not like the next few months are going to be all that relaxing for any of us.

What else??

I've been listening to a friend's podcast in which he interviewed an old friend of his who has returned to the religion not that he was raised in but to one of previous generations. I have tried to listen to the podcast several times and only get so far before I have to turn it off in irritation. And I can't figure out what the problem is. I don't know the guy and don't know all that much about him. But anymore, I hear his name or see something that he posted and I feel on edge. Is it that I don't really know any (terribly observant) Jews and he's just making me look bad? Is it that he comes across as a bit of a zealot? What is that bugs the crap out of me about it/him????

*Sigh*

It feels like a time of re-evaluation and growth and change. I've recently seen a few old friends and a few newer ones and it's been interesting to see how I react in similar situations with people who have known me in various stages of my life. I realize I'm being vague but that's actually kind of how I feel. But this year is bringing sooooo many new things right from the start that it's more than a little overwhelming. Eric has said my new mantra really needs to be "Let It Go" and he's got an excellent point. But letting go of anything has never really been what I'm known for.

Ramble ramble natter natter. See how I gloss over...

Before I get too bogged down, I'm ending this one. Hopefully, my next writing won't be 2 months from now and I'm trying to play catch up again.

***************************

Just Read:
*Tales of a Punk Rock Nothing by Abram Shalom Himelstein
*Breakfast with Buddha by Roland Merullo
*Tolstoy Lied: a Love Story by Rachel Kadish
*The Meaning of Life by Terry Eagleton
*The vast majority of the Myth series by Robert Aspirin

Reading:
*The newest Entertainment Weekly (hey, I just finished one of those last night!)

Going to Read:
*Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I figure now that everyone I know has read it, it's about time :^)

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Sun, 4 Nov 07 19:24:00 UT

Two events occured recently that have thrown me just a smidge off balance - and I'm still not certain why.

1) While walking with a friend and her children the other day, her youngest son turned to me and told me that Dylan was not actually my child but was G-d's. I may think that Dylan is mine but she is only given to me temporarily. While thoughts of Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" swirled through my head ("...Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but are not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you..."), I found myself actually unsettled. When my friend caught up to us, I furtively told her what happened - almost as if her son had said something "wrong". She just looked at me and said matter of factly, "well, that's what he believes." And that was the end of it.

Except in my head she continued on with, "and so what if he does? What's wrong with it?!?!" Because that's what I was really thinking. So what? I believe in G-d. I pray frequently and believe that talking to someone/thing more than myself is a good thing and exceedingly calming at times. My concept of G-d includes a Creator aspect and of course, to that end, we are all G-d's creations ultimately (yes, I'm being VERY simplistic here, ok?). So why did an innocent observation from a child throw me?

2) During a walk today with Eric and Dylan (amazing how much theology occurs while in Nature, eh??), Dylan found a beautifully colored leaf. She held it up to examine it, looked at me and Eric and asked, "Who made this leaf?" Eric and I were first stunned by the thought patterns but then at a small loss as to how to answer. I finally answered with "Mother Nature did, sweetie" because the explanation in my head - dealing with G-d, the Shekinah, the (at least) dual aspects of universe, the worship of Nature - was so far beyond the scope of what she might have really been asking.

I have no answers; no pat summation of these two events and why they are both still on my mind. I'm sure it's not the last time (ha!) my beliefs are going to be engaged in a totally unexpected way. I gotta say though, I'm definitely looking forward to the next time.