ADMIN PASSWORD: Remember Me

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2010-07-28 8:26 AM Blah-g #190 I Lied I'm Not Ok. Previous Entry :: Next Entry Read/Post Comments (0)

I'm depressed as hell. I am and it fucking sucks. Ok to help explain things better I need to tell you what I'm feeling and the best way for me to describe is it to compare it to women who've given birth and don't recognize their children. Something about postpartum depression. That's what I got but I'm not pregnant nor will I be. My problem is the birth control I was on. I was fine before it looking at the period chunks I shrugged it off, but ever since I started the birth control known as "the Shot" everything's been off. I've been more depressed now than before. And now when I'm on my irregular light whatever the fuck you wanna call it period I feel detached from it. Like my brain is fighting with itself one half saying yeh yeh it's just like always whatever. But the other half is saying that's not supposed to be coming out of me. It doesn't belong to me. And then I had a long talk about it with Master. I felt so weak and pathetic I wanted to cry and I did. That's all I did, nodded and shook my head while sobbing like a fucking pussy. I hated it. And he told me something that made me think long and hard: "Either choose to live in the light even though it's a painful and trying process or give up and die in the dark." Yes it's paraphrased since it was yesterday and I slept pretty much all day afterward and fucked up my back too. Which sucks like hell because it hurts to roll over or curl up into my regular sleeping position or just to get off the bed to go to the bathroom. It starts right at my hip and then shoots all the way up into my back. And its not a dull throbbing pain its a fast hard stabbing pain. So going back to what Master said I had to think about either going on and continuing to live or give up and just end it all. Of course I chose to continue but I'm sure if I hadn't had this break down with Master I would have tried to end it completely. I'm also scared of going back home. Why? Well because of my 'bites. My mom didn't care I got em. Hell even my little brothers didn't care after the first two days after I got my studs. I lied to all of you about that too. I got my rings on my 21st birthday. It was awesome, spent my birthday, the next day and part of the 3rd day with Master at his hotel (he only came to visit then). So after my mom dropped him off at the airport we went back to the house to get my sister and brother because we had school that morning. I barely had my rings in for about 2 and half days. I was on top of the world. I was so fucking happy! I'm sure some of you have watched The Nightmare Before Christmas at least once in your lives and if you remember Jack singing his song before he goes to save Santa you'd remember these lines: "And for the first time since I don't remember when I felt just like my old bony self again." -Poor Jack I felt like Jack when he realizes he is supposed to be the Pumpkin King. Only to have it all crash down on me. My mom picked me up to tell me that "dad" (long story I might explain some day) said I had to take the rings out or get kicked out of the house. I was so devastated. But I had no where else to go if I did get kicked out I had to obey. And for those of you saying "WTF!? Yer 21 you dont gotta listen to his bs especially if he isnt your real dad!" well that's all fine and dandy but I'm a full time college student I have no money and hell I'd have to go to a homeless shelter if I were to get kicked out. So from April 15th til May 3rd I was depressed as all hell even my mom said she never saw me that depressed hell even Master who was back in PA knew something was wrong. So on May 3rd I got my lip re-pierced this time with studs. They were a bit easier to hide, especially if I had my hair down or if I was nomming on something. Then when I came out here to PA with Master, I lost the tip of one of the studs in Arizona. That was a hassle because if I wasn't careful it would fall in to my mouth. So the next day I was like fuck it and we took it out. Usually just to put it back in while I was awake. And finally one day we tried to put it in and it wouldn't go through so because neither of us wanted to have it close up we put a safety pin through it. Trust me for self piercers DO NOT DO THAT ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE FULL LIPS LIKE MINE! It cut up my lip and possibly infected it a little. It was a pain in the ass to eat with too. So we get to PA and spend the night in the hotel his mom and dad got for us (which was very sweet and I thanked them) and then the next day we checked out and got settled in to the house and we went out to eat and after we went to eat his mom and dad took me to get my lip re opened. Not pierced because the out side and inside holes were opened it was the middle part that closed up. And I wanted to cry. I really did. Why? Because they spent the last of their money for the month to make sure I was happy and to have my rings back. So here I am almost three months later with near perfect healed rings and I'm scared that when I go back I'll get kicked out. Even though I have retainers for my rings and a second pair of black studs. And I don't want Master to have to spend another six months away from me like he did before my birthday. Especially know after spending so much time like we have and being as if we were married. I dunno. I kinda feel better for ranting but still bummed. Anyways I was wondering if anyone could help me out I've been having problems with my laptop and I dont know what to do. [IMG]http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm41/kiragod/bugs/compproblems.jpg[/IMG] please ignore the Firefox Crash (I usually get that before the other problems) Another problem I've been having is that it says my windows update system thing has been disabled. I will enable it and its ok for a while but every time close the top of the lappy it says please enable windows updates. And Master can attest to it also. And that pisses me off. Anyways for anyone who even dared to get through all of this ranting bull shit I still have 7 slots open for free sketches if you'd like one just leave a comment and either a ref pic or really good detailed paragraph on what you want. I will try my hardest to do what I can for ya. 1) :iconwilton1990: Hinata from Naruto :star-empty: 2) :iconduskssmexyness: Wolf and Kitty :star-empty: 3) :iconbloodzest: Zest her OC :star-empty: Those are the only filled up slots. Anyways thats it for now. ---------------- Now playing: Six Feet Under - Purple Haze (Jimi Hendrix cover)

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