harukosneko

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2010-07-31 4:56 PM
Blah-g #192 Realizing

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I have come to realize that with the few exceptions of some people on deviantart, one or two people on mangabullet and one person on sheezyart I am practically non existent on the other sites I'm on.

That makes me depressed. It really does. I feel like I'm worthless and that no one really wants to talk to me or be my friend.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just completely killed my accounts. I mean I would be killing off 9 sites I'm on. Five of which are only blogging accounts.

Lets see I would be killing:
Journalscape
LJ
Xanga
Blogger
Deviantart
Sheezyart
Mangabullet
Furaffinity
and Penzu

Then only those who have my msn, skype, gmail or even cell would only be able to contact me. And hell sometimes not even those people want to talk to me.

Even RL friends who have my cell and gmail don't talk to me as much as they could.

Yes I realize that everyone has a life and that they have other friends as well but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being irrational or overreacting or something I don't know.

Hell sometimes my own mom doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. Yes I also understand she's busy with her life and taking care of my younger brothers since I've been gone but shit I go days without hearing a word from her.

As antisocial I am I wish I had more people who I could talk to.

I know I have problems. I'm clinically depressed, I get suicidal, I tend to "shut-down" emotionally when I am depressed, I seem to only have nightmares that haunt me, I am paranoid, I am fearful of people who I don't know, I hold grudges forever, I seem kind to most people but I am very cruel, I hate myself, I hate my family, sometimes I even hate my friends, I am sick in the head, I wonder if I have schizophrenia, I am so submissive to everyone that it makes me sick, as maternal as I am I have no problem thinking about being cruel and disgusting to others, I wonder if I have a split personality.

So you can see what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Anyways I accidentally deleted the two pictures I was gonna post of Appa and Splotches but yesterday I got another chance for an Appa picture but since me and Master were cleaning the room earlier I can't find the cable for the camera now. >:| Still no sign of my mp3.

I should mention that as of now til I start classes I won't be doing pencil art. I don't have the urge or mentality to do pencil art so those of you who got free sketches can wait a few more weeks.

Well that's it for now.

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Now playing: Disgorge - Condemned To Sufferance

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