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2004-02-06 11:20 AM
C.I.A. Admits Washington D.C. Exists!
Iam S. Capegoat, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, today admitted before a gaggle of reporters that the Agency's initial conclusion that Washington D.C. did not exist may have been overstated. "I believe that our intelligence was fundamentally sound," he said, "but it appears we may have grossly overestimated the evil-doers capability to make a city vanish into thin air."
The admission takes heat off of the embattled Bush administrations recent troubles after inspectors in the post war District of Columbia found, in order, the Washington Monument, the Capital Building and the White House itself on a recent inspection tour. President Bush made his case for the invasion of Washington D.C. in his 2003 state of the union address based upon intelligence gathered by said agency, stating, "We know that the city has been stolen. It's simply not there. We have strong evidence that the evil-doers have stolen the Potomac river along with most major landmarks and freeways. The building in which we stand, in fact, no longer exists according to the best available intelligence."
The administration refused to budge from its position that the invasion of Washington D.C. was made in error. "We made the right decision," President Bush said while standing naked in front of a murder of presspeople. "We believe that when all is said and done, sufficient evidence will be uncovered to prove that at the time of our invasion, this city was as gone as a Texas cheerleader's virginity."
Reporters from both Fox and CBS commented on the President's lovely new suit.
Recent polls have shown the President's approval rating slipping over his handling of the D.C. crisis, but the President still carries a 92% "Go Kick Some Towelhead ass!" rating in the critical high school dropout and trailer park demographic. As one voter stated, "Hell, we alls saw what them evil-doers did to make them building in New York vanish. President Bush hads to take some action!"
In spite of the C.I.A.'s initial refusal to provide concrete evidence of the District of Columbia's vanishing when the crisis emerged, they miraculously changed their tune and provided the administration with incontrevertable evidence of evil-doing after a closed door meeting with the President and his staff.
In other news today, the price of crude oil fell four dollars per barrel . . .
Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of the Abyss.
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