My first day didn't go too badly, compared to my expectations. Nobody pointed and screamed "You weirdo!" at me, which was good. There were a few embarrassing moments when at first it seemed that I couldn't pick up what to them were viewed as basic skills, but I heaved through. I have a pounding headache now, though. Luckily, I was able to leave early and I got a lift back. Tomorrow will likely be different. More training, more hours.

Today has been a grey sky day, a grey mood day, nothing summery at all. Rain would have been better. On the way this morning, people passed by in a blur, faces like melting wax. I've had this before.

Had a sort of mini-breakdown last night. It felt like I was falling through a crack in my mind while my hands and feet went numb, then my arms and legs... creeping zombie flesh. It was disturbing to say the least, and it's left my world drained of colour anyway.

Reminded me of anaesthesia, which in turn reminds me that I’ve got that second dentist appointment on Thursday. Again, I’m not relishing the thought of it. Again, it will probably be better once I’m there in the chair.

I feel awful, and I need to rest my head. I also need to spill more than I can ever really spill in this public forum. Until I talk through some things with a real person, a person who would not judge, I’m probably going to have these episodes forever. Arrested development would be a good term to describe where I’m at. I don’t know how to move forward. I’m going through the motions of existence, with only the occasional glimmer of something that really touches me… I need to live instead of being an android pretending to live.

Maybe I’ll feel different tomorrow. Maybe I won’t feel at all. That’s the worst… the utter detachment from reality that happens when things get really bad. I learned it as a kid, I suppose: the mind just goes into auto pilot. There’s no sense of self, and months can go by in that state. That’s the main thing I’m frightened of at this moment. Last night was too close for comfort.

Okay, so this isn’t the cheeriest of entries, but I’d rather do that than pretend everything is cool.

Anyway, I do love you all. That’s the positive side of the story. I can say that without embarrassment or fear of ridicule. In other words, ridicule may come, but I don’t fear it.

So anyway… peace to everyone who reads this.

I’ll try to get some work done tonight after I’ve slept off this bad-head. I’m actually in the mood to write something infinitely sick and twisted. Not sure what yet, but I’ll give it a go.

Until then…