I only have to think of her and she melts my world. If I think about everything and analyse it more than is healthy, it hurts me. I get frustrated or scared or angry with myself. Have you ever reached a moment where the only thing you really want in your life is unattainable? Some say there is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem. You can self-medicate by losing yourself in work or drink or drugs or physical pleasures. It is only to fill hours while waiting. One of the worst feelings is the feeling of being totally rejected. Let down and left out, your sense of self-respect diminishes. The ultimate self-rejection is wishing you were somebody else …not because you particularly even admire that person, but because they are loveable to somebody in a way you are not. You can get to thinking… maybe if I looked like him or had his body or voice, his smile or his brand of wit, I could be loved the way he is. It is best to seek distractions in fun and humour and surrealism at such times. The sound of another human laughing can make you laugh too.

Sometimes I can fall into a black depression, where wasting my time feels as if I’m just whoring and betraying myself. Even all the creativity that I can muster up feels like another distraction from a bleak truth. Have you ever felt like that, where all you want to do is hide under the sheets in bed and gradually fade, becoming less opaque every second, until you’re not there at all? It’s just a funk that comes on when survival peppered with fun trivialities seems less than adequate. You don’t want more of the same; you only want the one thing you can never have. I could be inches away, but that distance might as well be the width of the whole galaxy. Yet even despite all this, I still like to think about it all in a “what if” kind of way and create fantasy scenarios that work as happy waking dreams to dull the dreariness. The one thing you have a little influence over is your own thoughts, and life is what you make of it, to a degree. Thinking about nice things, beautiful things, makes me sleep less wearily when I can. I only have to think of her and she melts my world.