I just heard on NPR a few minutes ago that "President" Bush had recently spoken to a group of supporters in Ohio, saying that he was having "a hard time preparing for the upcoming debates because Kerry was changing his position so often" and that "Kerry may as well just debate himself for 90 minutes."

How about this?

George W. Bush really is having a hard time preparing for the debates because HE CAN'T READ. Or perhaps because he really doesn't understand the issues. The man once actually described himself as a president that "doesn't do nuance." So, we've got a "president" that can only chew on issues when they're whittled down to Bumper-Stickerease.

Too often people start covering up a case of the nerves by making jokes. I think Junior may be shaking in his cowboy boots because he knows he's going to have to say more on Thursday night than "Smoke 'em out of their holes" or "Bring it on!" or "Mission accomplished!" or "You're either with us or against us!" or "You have black people here, too?" I just wonder how scripted this first debate is going to be because, if it isn't, Kerry better have his verbal boxing gloves of eloquence on so he can KO the cretin of Crawford.

Side note: If I were ever to convert to a BumperStickeritarian I'd buy the one off the Internet that says: Somewhere in Texas there's a village without an idiot. Fortunately for Bush and most of his supporters, the message isn't direct enough to offend.

I'm tired of hearing about how much of a waffler Kerry is on the issues. As if Bush hadn't changed his mind about anything before. I keep thinking about the absolute genius of John Stewart's "Bush vs. Bush" debate on The Daily Show. In this wonderfully edited segment, Bush the Texas Governor debates Bush the President regarding topics like Iraq and the domestic budget. The Guv, speaking as a contemporary and critic of Bill Clinton, proclaims that the U.S. shouldn't strive to be a "nation builder" and advises against going into Baghdad. The Prez, as we all all know (and despise), states the exact opposite.

Why hasn't that been played up by the Democrats, the Greens, the PTA, PETA, the Trekkies, the Bavarians, the Men in Black, or the Freemasons? I wonder why Fox News hasn't covered this obvious Sugar-Powdered, Calorie-filled Waffle?

Actually, I always thought that a willingness to consider both sides of an issue was a sign of intelligence. I thought that being in such a position of power required the ability to carefully weigh nuance, consequence, and substance? I thought the President was supposed to choose advisors who would help him make good, fair decisions rather than blow the cover of CIA agents.

Maybe Kerry simply should act like a simpleton on Thursday night. Maybe he should impersonate Arnold Schwarzenegger throughout the entire evening. Maybe he should smoke some dope and drink a case of Lone Star beer before taking the stage. Or maybe he should go up there with an AK-47 strapped to his back. Maybe he should read My Pet Goat to the audience. (Oh, wait, wasn't my point that he should appear to be dumber than W? He should't demonstrate an abilty to read!)

Thursday night, Kerry better be read to step up to the plate and knock Bush's curve- and spitballs over the centerfield wall. If he strikes out, we'll have eight more years of Bush, and every kid in school will want to be left behind because it just ain't cool being smart.