I have to confess I'm not much fun to be around when I'm in a bad mood. I'm surly and somewhat determined about it. Yesterday wasn't pretty. And I can't tell yet whether today is any more promising. Working in half cubes doesn't help. At least there are headphones.

I skipped out on the team birthday cake for February, claiming I had an errand to run.

A layer beneath, I'm more sad than angry, and feel pressured about some things, as well as a bit devalued. I only knew one thing, I might cry if I went to the cake session, and I wasn't willing to do that. But of course not going may have sent messages I didn't want to send either.

Perhaps if I quit hoping for a long tranquil stretch in life, I'll quit being let down and quit feeling dejected and resentful?

Most of it probably goes back, yet again, to control. I want it. I want to be able to make good on some things in life. And in the end, I don't know if I can. It would certainly be nice at least to get to a point that my family doesn't get the worst end of the stick when I feel these kinds of pressures.

My ugliness is silence and withdrawal, and the tersest (is that a word?) remarks possible - like I'm conserving every bit of energy for something else important instead of what is right in front of me. Anyway, it already looks like another full-headphone day. I just hope I'm ready to take them off when I come home today.