i have tried to keep so many journals in my life, its kinda funny. i have half-filled and quarter-filled and no-filled journals by the truckload in my house. i have always been more comfortable typing than writing... so i will give this a shot.

i am good at starting things, but a little weak on the follow through. life has a way of kicking the best intentions out from underneath you, then you're sitting on your ass wondering how you got there.

i feel like a lack of focus has limited what i can do. that and a lack of confidence. for a fairly smart person, i can be REALLY dumb.

i came to the conclusion when i lost my job at jack and bill's, that i cannot tolerate that kind of stress ever again. it damned near killed me and i'm still not over it. i have learned in the last year that i am much harder on myself than i would ever be on a stranger. why is it i find it so difficult to be kind to myself?

i am not superwoman. there is no such thing as superwoman. superwoman is a cartoon character. superwoman is dead. i took the S off my chest and now what? the girls will be gone and after devoting my life to raising two families, who am i then? who am i?

i write because i have to. even when im not writing im thinking about writing and this last block after tina got sick is eating me up. to be a sucess as a writer means so many different things to me. it means i am not a loser. that im not stupid and i have worth and all the things he said were lies. intellectually i know they were lies, in my heart and my stomach there is always that seed of doubt ... that maybe he WAS right.

then i say fuck it.

inside my head looks like a big ball of spaghetti.

so what i decided when my 'net got turned back on is.... i have to stop isolating myself because it's not helping me. i have to be more open. i chant i can do it it doesnt always hurt i can do it it doesnt always hurt...