okay, this is the deal.

i had not written anything since my sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last august. well, i did play around a little with the Dreamcatcher idea, and i did get a little inspiration from a very short blurb i read in a quilting book. (more on that at a later time.) but not one finished piece, not one poem, nada nothing zilcho.

of course, at first i was too busy to even think about it, then when things calmed down a bit too worried to think about it, and of course a thousand other excuses came to mind. i have read in so many books that in order to be a writer, you have to write. wow. what a concept... but all smart assness aside, it aint that easy just to sit down and puke something up. i did try stream of conciousness writing, but nuffin. just couldnt get it on. i could feel things rumbling around, but i just couldnt sit still long enough, concentrate long enough to get them out.

then a few things happened. one, i got a medical diagnosis that detailed loss of concentration as a symptom. well, i could blame it on that but that's the weenie's way out, i'm thinking. the second thing that happened is a good friend dragged me out of my hole and said what the fuck lady... get your ass back out there.

the bottom line is... i actually wrote two pieces over the weekend, and i think both are pretty good. neither one is a zone piece... and by zone piece, i mean a piece that writes itself with no help from me. a zone piece is when i sit at the computer and words fly from my fingers and i have no idea what's coming out until the heat fades and i read it over. I LOVE THAT SHIT. i love it when that happens, and everytime i sit down, that's what i'm going for. it's a rush.

then there's the pieces that i slave over and hump out one word at a time. i love those pieces too, they are the ones that require sweat, boogers, blood, tears, and ear wax to get on paper. i wrote two of those buggers, and hopefully the dam has been breached and the words will continue to flow.

for some reason, and i dont really like this idea being a solitary type, i do my best writing in response to a challenge. i need the push. i need the support. i dont like to need. need implies vulnerability, and i dont like that either. being vulnerable means potential for hurt.

i'm such an optimist.

at any rate, i feel exhilirated i actually got some work out. i'm scared of reviews. i'm excited to read the reviews. i'm looking forward to jumpin on this pony and riding. i'm anxious about the next fall.

then i think ok netta... what if there is no next fall? hah, sure would fuck you up, wouldnt it, so just ride the wave, baby.

ride the wave.