after all that work i got three pieces out and one came back as a mailer demon (meaning email out of business.) so there ya have it.

a mailer demon. is that like my dog ate my homework?

i had a dream about an estranged friend of mine last night. i almost never remember my dreams, so this was odd. i was in her house, a large english style home with big rooms and lots of woodwork. she was in the hospital, and i was trying to clean her house up for when she came home. some guy was sitting in front of the fireplace in a winged back chair sippin tea, dressed in a beige suit and he kept smiling at me as i bustled about importantly.

i visited her in the hospital, and she was all covered in white except for her red hair, which was that magenta color you know is fake. i said "how long are you going to be here?" and she said "three months, netta, this is what happens when i dont listen to you." (haha) so i told her i would take care of the cats (she has no cats, just Angel, her dog) and i told her i loved her and she told me back and we held hands.

i went back to her house and walked into her bedroom where the bed was all tangled and the dresser was pulled over to the side of the bed... she said that she had pulled the dresser over from the other side of the room to help her stand up. (?) thats all i remember.

the dream i had before that was totally erotic and i woke up wondering where i put the batteries.

so, to do a little analyzing here... i would say that 1) im horny as hell (well, not anymore) and 2) i worry over the estrangement with rae. theres no way i can let her in again, but she was one of my best friends for a long time, and i do worry about her. but you know what? she reminded me a LOT of my mother when my mother was a different person... rae is a very emotionally taking type of person, and although i will always love the good parts of her, i just cant afford that shit in my life. this is what i mean by taking care of ME for a change.

i figure it this way... i have an emotional bank. i only have so many funds available before the emotional checks start to bounce. ERGO i cant afford someone who is negative and an emotional vampire and a total drama queen. i am trying to surround myself with positive people... you know that saying, you are what you eat? well, you are who you hang with too. and i cant save everyone.

i know i have a "fix it" complex shup already.

i think mom is going to come and visit today (YAY) meaning i will have to drive her around to where she has to go. that's okay, i have come to like my mother a lot more than i used to. now THERE'S a whole can of worms we wont even go to today or i will be here forever. suffice to say, the years since we have gotten to know each other again have been good ones, and i was never one to hold a grudge and never will be. i dont want to have any regrets when the old woman dies (dont gasp, we talk about it all the time) and she really is a remarkable woman. after all, who she is made me who i am, and arent we all our mother's daughters?

at any rate, i need a break from this infernal machine, and i just love the chance to make mom laugh untils she farts in public or laugh til she snorts, even better to make her pee her britches. the sun is shining, there's no shutoff notices for today, life is good.