the strange planet inside my head
I got my Myspace layout from pYzam.
Mood:
Sad
Read/Post Comments (2)
THE EMPIRE
Fine Websites
Fine Products By Fine People
Very Fine Publications
hand me that cake
stepped on the scale today and have lost 12 pounds. this brought up a couple of trains of thought.
i used to think in high school that i was overweight. now, i have to laugh because i weighed then what one leg of mine weighs now. (ok, maybe that's an exaggeration.) in any case, body perception is a strange beast, especially if you are female.
i never got heavy until after the birth of my third child. child bearing will ruin your body for such careers as porn queen and lingerie modeling, but since i wasnt going that way... at any rate, after the girls went through that horrible experience with their grandfather and i went to therapy with them, the therapist got me aside and we had a couple of sessions of our own. it opened my eyes to the weight problem in ways i hadnt even thought of, and here i thought i was so smart!
she advanced the theory that i stay heavy for a reason. the reason being... that when you are big, they can't get you. when you are big, you are not small and somehow you are safer. i have to say i was SHOCKED. honestly blown to bits, because i had never thought of that before. (here i thought i had been down all the paths on this subject, looking all my demons in the eye, as it were.) it really hasnt changed my weight since (this was almost ten years ago) but now i know why i get so uncomfortable, scared and oogy (a new work from a friend ... say it with me, OOGY) when too much weight comes off. AND... its one thing to know in your head but another to come to terms with it.
i guess when you go through some of the things that i have, you take safe when you can get it. i wonder sometimes, will i ever feel safe enough to slough off the outside that i believe protects me? (god knows i put up the humor wall every chance i get.) not that the weight really protected me when i was married to the LFH (lunatic from hell, for the uninitiated) and to be completely blunt here (and what else is this journal for?) every single time i take my clothes off, i hear it... i think i will always hear it, no matter how much weight i *do* lose... "You are too fat to fuck."
but, at this point i want to ... need to take some off if not for the asthetic value (i couldnt care less) but for the health issue. i want to feel better, and it's supposed to help out this mitral valve and tachycardia thingy, so i'm trying to do it without setting off all the land mines and safty triggers that have been in place for years. (i look at people three times bigger than me and feel a resentment... they're so much bigger and *i'm* the one having health problems, can i just be fat and healthy? geez) i look at other heavy women and wonder.... if they have the same issues i do. underneath. you know.
when you're big... they cant get you. but honestly, when you're big... they already have you.
****
i need to work today. i'm tired and cold. i cant wait for winter to be over... it hasnt been a bad one (omg, can you say new york = hell? cold here is like 30... cold there is like -30!) but it has been a long one and i cant wait until spring and things start to green up and grow and maybe some issues here will get settled for once and for all.
donna wants to go to ny to see brandini graduate, so ann and brandy might come down here and get her and take her back. i miss my girls the most about ny! they used to come over to the house and eat me out of house and home, take over the bathroom to get ready for some big event (going to the mall haha)... dance around the living room and whoop it up. i miss that. i loved having a houseful there, and i loved it that they felt so comfortable they could be rowdy in my home. i keep in touch with both of them, they are wonderful friends to donna and will always be "my girls".
i used to think in high school that i was overweight. now, i have to laugh because i weighed then what one leg of mine weighs now. (ok, maybe that's an exaggeration.) in any case, body perception is a strange beast, especially if you are female.
i never got heavy until after the birth of my third child. child bearing will ruin your body for such careers as porn queen and lingerie modeling, but since i wasnt going that way... at any rate, after the girls went through that horrible experience with their grandfather and i went to therapy with them, the therapist got me aside and we had a couple of sessions of our own. it opened my eyes to the weight problem in ways i hadnt even thought of, and here i thought i was so smart!
she advanced the theory that i stay heavy for a reason. the reason being... that when you are big, they can't get you. when you are big, you are not small and somehow you are safer. i have to say i was SHOCKED. honestly blown to bits, because i had never thought of that before. (here i thought i had been down all the paths on this subject, looking all my demons in the eye, as it were.) it really hasnt changed my weight since (this was almost ten years ago) but now i know why i get so uncomfortable, scared and oogy (a new work from a friend ... say it with me, OOGY) when too much weight comes off. AND... its one thing to know in your head but another to come to terms with it.
i guess when you go through some of the things that i have, you take safe when you can get it. i wonder sometimes, will i ever feel safe enough to slough off the outside that i believe protects me? (god knows i put up the humor wall every chance i get.) not that the weight really protected me when i was married to the LFH (lunatic from hell, for the uninitiated) and to be completely blunt here (and what else is this journal for?) every single time i take my clothes off, i hear it... i think i will always hear it, no matter how much weight i *do* lose... "You are too fat to fuck."
but, at this point i want to ... need to take some off if not for the asthetic value (i couldnt care less) but for the health issue. i want to feel better, and it's supposed to help out this mitral valve and tachycardia thingy, so i'm trying to do it without setting off all the land mines and safty triggers that have been in place for years. (i look at people three times bigger than me and feel a resentment... they're so much bigger and *i'm* the one having health problems, can i just be fat and healthy? geez) i look at other heavy women and wonder.... if they have the same issues i do. underneath. you know.
when you're big... they cant get you. but honestly, when you're big... they already have you.
****
i need to work today. i'm tired and cold. i cant wait for winter to be over... it hasnt been a bad one (omg, can you say new york = hell? cold here is like 30... cold there is like -30!) but it has been a long one and i cant wait until spring and things start to green up and grow and maybe some issues here will get settled for once and for all.
donna wants to go to ny to see brandini graduate, so ann and brandy might come down here and get her and take her back. i miss my girls the most about ny! they used to come over to the house and eat me out of house and home, take over the bathroom to get ready for some big event (going to the mall haha)... dance around the living room and whoop it up. i miss that. i loved having a houseful there, and i loved it that they felt so comfortable they could be rowdy in my home. i keep in touch with both of them, they are wonderful friends to donna and will always be "my girls".
Read/Post Comments (2)
Previous Entry :: Next Entry
Back to Top
