not having a good day today, it's amazing how the holidays affect me. it's like low tide here, or something.

i have kept myself busy here, reasearched, cleaned house, worked on a quilt... all with a lump in my throat. i cannot wait until the day i can make new memories to wash out the old. but somehow, i have the feeling that there will still be sand left behind to irritate and give me a rash, no matter how much i wash them.

the girls received a present from their father. he sent them jewelry... gold and diamond hearts with beautiful cards saying how much he misses them and loves them. the bitterness is choking me, and im doing my best to be silent. i saw that package with his handwriting and the fear just reared up like a stallion with sharp hooves and foam on it's lips. im sitting here crying my eyes out trying to write this wondering when will i be free of this? when?? i hate being under this blackness, it sucks the best of me out and crunches my bones. i feel like i cant take a deep breath.

i cant talk about it anymore. maybe later.

*****

actually, i think that's all i have for today.