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soldiering on
well, im having one of those days where communication may not be possible. i can feel myself starting to shut down, i know its not good for me, so i struggle to get past the walls that have been built (no matter how good the reason) and teach myself there are better ways.
the mail from the LFH just shook me to the root. not that i think he'll show up at my door and shoot me, or beat me, or anything like that... but for a year and a half he didnt know where i was and i liked that a lot. made me feel safe. now i feel more vulnerable, and that's a feeling i dont like at all.
on the other side of the coin, i honestly hope that he and the girls can repair some of the damage and move on to a healthy father/daughter relationship. i grew up without one; they deserve better. tina hasnt spoken to him since we left ny; donna has corresponded by email on occasion. the last occasion she told him (at his request) exactly what her issues were (i was very proud of her) and this is the result. i have told both girls on several occasions that he is their father and the only one they have and it was unwise to burn their bridges. now that communication has been re-established, i am freaking out. i am trying to stay out of the whole thing, to listen when they want to talk and keep my opinions to myself. im doing the best i can, i hope its good enough.
my dreams were scary and disturbing. i had a dream last night i was trying to get out of an office, but everyone i tried to reach turned away. i kept hearing a sound sighing through the empty, cavernous office... and when i finally figured out what it said, i got goosebumps all up and down my arms and my hair stood up on the nape of my neck. the word was strung out and sticky, streched like taffy, but i heard it... abandonment. aaaaaaabannnnndooonmeeeeennnnnnt. it was creepy and i dont have to be freud to figure that out.
sleep was not restful.
oh well, what else can you do but soldier on? i wanted to stay in bed all day today, but i forced myself to get out. i am trying not to flog myself half to death, to appreciate the small victories and not scream because i havent met the high standards i think i should be meeting. we're back to the brain full of spaghetti, and all i can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day. i think this journaling thing has helped tremendously; i think the only way to that better day is to open up the dark places and let the sun shine in.
if only i wasnt so scared.
the mail from the LFH just shook me to the root. not that i think he'll show up at my door and shoot me, or beat me, or anything like that... but for a year and a half he didnt know where i was and i liked that a lot. made me feel safe. now i feel more vulnerable, and that's a feeling i dont like at all.
on the other side of the coin, i honestly hope that he and the girls can repair some of the damage and move on to a healthy father/daughter relationship. i grew up without one; they deserve better. tina hasnt spoken to him since we left ny; donna has corresponded by email on occasion. the last occasion she told him (at his request) exactly what her issues were (i was very proud of her) and this is the result. i have told both girls on several occasions that he is their father and the only one they have and it was unwise to burn their bridges. now that communication has been re-established, i am freaking out. i am trying to stay out of the whole thing, to listen when they want to talk and keep my opinions to myself. im doing the best i can, i hope its good enough.
my dreams were scary and disturbing. i had a dream last night i was trying to get out of an office, but everyone i tried to reach turned away. i kept hearing a sound sighing through the empty, cavernous office... and when i finally figured out what it said, i got goosebumps all up and down my arms and my hair stood up on the nape of my neck. the word was strung out and sticky, streched like taffy, but i heard it... abandonment. aaaaaaabannnnndooonmeeeeennnnnnt. it was creepy and i dont have to be freud to figure that out.
sleep was not restful.
oh well, what else can you do but soldier on? i wanted to stay in bed all day today, but i forced myself to get out. i am trying not to flog myself half to death, to appreciate the small victories and not scream because i havent met the high standards i think i should be meeting. we're back to the brain full of spaghetti, and all i can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day. i think this journaling thing has helped tremendously; i think the only way to that better day is to open up the dark places and let the sun shine in.
if only i wasnt so scared.
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