the strange planet inside my head
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my crop of issues
i certainly hope today goes a little smoother than yesterday.
it seems i spend a lot of my time here whining about my family, so all i will say is i got roped into performing like a bear at the circus yesterday, but my conscience is clear and hopefully i have a few days where i can move on with *gasp* my own life ( i know, i have some nerve ) and get caught up.
the thing is to remain flexible... i sit here and a thousand things flit through this beleagured brain. i'm behind in a quilt order, i have pieces floating around in my head that need to find a home on paper, there are markets that need to be researched and documented, pieces that have to be re-worked and sent out... not complaining, just detailing so i know what i should be doing.
i feel out of sorts when the house is out of sorts. before i sit down to do anything, i have to have a neat environment. i've thought a lot about that, and i think it is a measure of control. there are so many things in life i CANT control, at least i can control my environment. plus, it is pretty tight quarters here so one thing is out of place and to me, the whole place looks trashed. ahhhh, the legacy of a child of an alcoholic.
i am proud of myself that ive been able to keep this journal thingy up. laurie is right, it is good discipline, plus it helps to vomit up the bile of a day (or at the beginning of the day for that just-fresh feeling) in order to move on. its a snapshot of the days of my life... how i think, what's important to me right now, working through certain issues. also, in journal form, i can look at it from a third person POV, and get an objective feeling. maybe that will help in the resolution of issues that crop up here and there.
yes, i do indeed have a crop... of issues. i know im not the only one, it's deciding what to harvest and what to plow under and let lie fallow that's the hard part. and sometimes, there are just not enough hours in the day, so the next day you have your issue hangover. still, today is MUCH better than days i have had in the past. i dont have to be scared. this is huge... i mean HUGE. the day to day terror is long gone, although i will say that some days i feel like it's still happening. i think when you spend 16 years in constant terror, it takes quite awhile to decompress. some nights i lay in the dark, not awake and not sleeping, and i feel like i see something out of the corner of my eye in the shadows and i jerk awake with my heart pounding and in a cold sweat. i hate nights like that.
sometimes when i speak to certain family members and they raise their voice (to me or someone else, about anything, really) i can feel that "fight or flight" feeling come upon me, you know, the kidneys get tight, heart pounds, mouth gets dry and hands sweaty.... so stupid, i know. no one's going to hurt me. but my body reacts to it's own truth.
i hate to think it will take me 16 years to decompress. i remind myself all the time of the things i can do now without getting in trouble. i can talk on the phone as long as i want, and i can pay a bill late if i have to. i can leave the laundry one more day if i feel like it, and i dont have to get up at 3 am to clean the bathroom. i can take as long as i want at the grocery store. i can write anything i want and its not stupid. if i want to leave dirty dishes in the sink and never make my bed ever again; i can take an hour bath and if i want to sleep naked i can do that too. i can wear any article of clothing that is made and not have bruises showing.
this is my litany, my religion. there are so many things that people take for granted in their life, i have sworn to myself i will never ever do that. ever.
but still, terror lurks. *sigh* i hope someday it departs completely, but until then i will hang on the good things i have and be grateful.
: )
it seems i spend a lot of my time here whining about my family, so all i will say is i got roped into performing like a bear at the circus yesterday, but my conscience is clear and hopefully i have a few days where i can move on with *gasp* my own life ( i know, i have some nerve ) and get caught up.
the thing is to remain flexible... i sit here and a thousand things flit through this beleagured brain. i'm behind in a quilt order, i have pieces floating around in my head that need to find a home on paper, there are markets that need to be researched and documented, pieces that have to be re-worked and sent out... not complaining, just detailing so i know what i should be doing.
i feel out of sorts when the house is out of sorts. before i sit down to do anything, i have to have a neat environment. i've thought a lot about that, and i think it is a measure of control. there are so many things in life i CANT control, at least i can control my environment. plus, it is pretty tight quarters here so one thing is out of place and to me, the whole place looks trashed. ahhhh, the legacy of a child of an alcoholic.
i am proud of myself that ive been able to keep this journal thingy up. laurie is right, it is good discipline, plus it helps to vomit up the bile of a day (or at the beginning of the day for that just-fresh feeling) in order to move on. its a snapshot of the days of my life... how i think, what's important to me right now, working through certain issues. also, in journal form, i can look at it from a third person POV, and get an objective feeling. maybe that will help in the resolution of issues that crop up here and there.
yes, i do indeed have a crop... of issues. i know im not the only one, it's deciding what to harvest and what to plow under and let lie fallow that's the hard part. and sometimes, there are just not enough hours in the day, so the next day you have your issue hangover. still, today is MUCH better than days i have had in the past. i dont have to be scared. this is huge... i mean HUGE. the day to day terror is long gone, although i will say that some days i feel like it's still happening. i think when you spend 16 years in constant terror, it takes quite awhile to decompress. some nights i lay in the dark, not awake and not sleeping, and i feel like i see something out of the corner of my eye in the shadows and i jerk awake with my heart pounding and in a cold sweat. i hate nights like that.
sometimes when i speak to certain family members and they raise their voice (to me or someone else, about anything, really) i can feel that "fight or flight" feeling come upon me, you know, the kidneys get tight, heart pounds, mouth gets dry and hands sweaty.... so stupid, i know. no one's going to hurt me. but my body reacts to it's own truth.
i hate to think it will take me 16 years to decompress. i remind myself all the time of the things i can do now without getting in trouble. i can talk on the phone as long as i want, and i can pay a bill late if i have to. i can leave the laundry one more day if i feel like it, and i dont have to get up at 3 am to clean the bathroom. i can take as long as i want at the grocery store. i can write anything i want and its not stupid. if i want to leave dirty dishes in the sink and never make my bed ever again; i can take an hour bath and if i want to sleep naked i can do that too. i can wear any article of clothing that is made and not have bruises showing.
this is my litany, my religion. there are so many things that people take for granted in their life, i have sworn to myself i will never ever do that. ever.
but still, terror lurks. *sigh* i hope someday it departs completely, but until then i will hang on the good things i have and be grateful.
: )
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