the strange planet inside my head
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all mommed out
okay, i survived, i got over it, and it will be another month before another visit so i'm cool.
*sigh* but i'm very tired right now.
i don't want to go on and on about my mom.
okay, well, i just want to say one thing. (don't roll your eyes at me.) she went on for about a half and hour about how she can't understand the world's unkindness, or how people can be cruel to one another. this was after several negative comments about redheads, and it occured to me if you substituted any other ethnic term for "redhead" she would most likely be shot.
****
i did manage to take care of some business i had pressing, and i felt good about that. talking to people in the phone ( even in person sometimes ) is SO HARD. i hate it... i mean i HATE it ok? to the point my hands are sweaty and my heart is pounding (ok, part of it could be the heart thingy and part of it low blood sugar) it's like a phobia. it's like being afraid of... ewwwww ... cockroaches. OMG i'm gaggin just typing that word. ok, i have to shut up now or i will barf for real.
anyway... i remember seeing commercials on TV for drugs for "social anxiety disorder" and i will admit i took an antidepressent some years ago for a couple of years. i dumped it (yes, without consulting a doctor, yes, i know that's bad, no, i don't recommend others do it.) for two reasons. the first reason was when i took it, i felt like i was wrapped head to toe in cotton batting. i was a robot, and all i did was the bare minumum of what i had to do to get through a day. i dealt with nothing.
the second reason was because it cut me off from the waist down. no sexual drive or feeling even, whatsoever. this in turn led to a couple of incidents i am not going to speak of. at any rate, i used to sit and think well SHIT. i'm in a lose/lose situation here. i can be "undepressed" but basically neutered (which made me feel depressed even in the undepression) or i can be clinically depressed but able to fuck and feel.
so, i chose the fuck and feel. shallow? nah. not being able to function in ANY way sexually, in addition to feeling like i was nothing more than a household appliance ( a HOOVER in particular, if you smell what i'm cooking) was enough to make me really insane, not just depressed. not being able to function as a sensual, sexual entity was crushing.
taking that shit just BLURRED everything, nothing felt real anymore... it was awful. i know that those types of drugs have made a huge difference in some people's lives, but it didnt work that way for me. (its one of the symptoms of the heart thingy, BTW... a sensitivity to drugs isnt that weird?)
i have no idea where all this came from and it's probably TMI anyway.
****
i started a story.... it burbled in my head last night before i fell asleep and when i work up it was still percolating. i had a hard time getting a handle on it and then when i was in the shower... EUREKA.
it's not a zone piece, i'm humping every word out, but it's something i've been thinking about for three weeks and i finally got the angle i needed. i'm excited about it, it's nothing like i have written before yet it has my voice. i'll see how it comes out... i also did work on The Blood, and if this new piece comes out even halfway decent i might post it for reviews before The Blood. i chopped about 500 words from TB, and it didnt even hurt. well, not too much. it reads a lot smoother, but i think i could lose another 10 to 20% and still not lose the story. i'm not used to chopping, but after reading some of the crits of other works at CMS and looking at it with new eyes, i had another epiphany. sure, there are great sentences there... but i can use them somewhere else if i need to.
this new group... wow, ok? just wow. i'm excited, i'm not sure what they were thinking when they let me in but i'm in now and i ain't leaving.
*sigh* but i'm very tired right now.
i don't want to go on and on about my mom.
okay, well, i just want to say one thing. (don't roll your eyes at me.) she went on for about a half and hour about how she can't understand the world's unkindness, or how people can be cruel to one another. this was after several negative comments about redheads, and it occured to me if you substituted any other ethnic term for "redhead" she would most likely be shot.
****
i did manage to take care of some business i had pressing, and i felt good about that. talking to people in the phone ( even in person sometimes ) is SO HARD. i hate it... i mean i HATE it ok? to the point my hands are sweaty and my heart is pounding (ok, part of it could be the heart thingy and part of it low blood sugar) it's like a phobia. it's like being afraid of... ewwwww ... cockroaches. OMG i'm gaggin just typing that word. ok, i have to shut up now or i will barf for real.
anyway... i remember seeing commercials on TV for drugs for "social anxiety disorder" and i will admit i took an antidepressent some years ago for a couple of years. i dumped it (yes, without consulting a doctor, yes, i know that's bad, no, i don't recommend others do it.) for two reasons. the first reason was when i took it, i felt like i was wrapped head to toe in cotton batting. i was a robot, and all i did was the bare minumum of what i had to do to get through a day. i dealt with nothing.
the second reason was because it cut me off from the waist down. no sexual drive or feeling even, whatsoever. this in turn led to a couple of incidents i am not going to speak of. at any rate, i used to sit and think well SHIT. i'm in a lose/lose situation here. i can be "undepressed" but basically neutered (which made me feel depressed even in the undepression) or i can be clinically depressed but able to fuck and feel.
so, i chose the fuck and feel. shallow? nah. not being able to function in ANY way sexually, in addition to feeling like i was nothing more than a household appliance ( a HOOVER in particular, if you smell what i'm cooking) was enough to make me really insane, not just depressed. not being able to function as a sensual, sexual entity was crushing.
taking that shit just BLURRED everything, nothing felt real anymore... it was awful. i know that those types of drugs have made a huge difference in some people's lives, but it didnt work that way for me. (its one of the symptoms of the heart thingy, BTW... a sensitivity to drugs isnt that weird?)
i have no idea where all this came from and it's probably TMI anyway.
****
i started a story.... it burbled in my head last night before i fell asleep and when i work up it was still percolating. i had a hard time getting a handle on it and then when i was in the shower... EUREKA.
it's not a zone piece, i'm humping every word out, but it's something i've been thinking about for three weeks and i finally got the angle i needed. i'm excited about it, it's nothing like i have written before yet it has my voice. i'll see how it comes out... i also did work on The Blood, and if this new piece comes out even halfway decent i might post it for reviews before The Blood. i chopped about 500 words from TB, and it didnt even hurt. well, not too much. it reads a lot smoother, but i think i could lose another 10 to 20% and still not lose the story. i'm not used to chopping, but after reading some of the crits of other works at CMS and looking at it with new eyes, i had another epiphany. sure, there are great sentences there... but i can use them somewhere else if i need to.
this new group... wow, ok? just wow. i'm excited, i'm not sure what they were thinking when they let me in but i'm in now and i ain't leaving.
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