the strange planet inside my head
I got my Myspace layout from pYzam.
Mood:
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runnin with the big dogs
well, after a fight with the youngest daughter (i'm so glad i'm not 18 and know everything anymore) i went for a walk and fell down and skinned my knee. now my knee looks like an eleven year old's. nothing like a little abrasion and pain to bring back the feeling of being young and stupid.
of course, my first thought wasnt... "did i break my knee?" but "did anyone see that??" *gigglin*
****
i got the first two reviews of The Blood... and guess what??? I CAN RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS!!! they liked it, they got it (even more important) and i got some excellent feedback in what i need to do to make it a better story. *PHEW*. i know, i know, i need to take the self-doubt thing and whup it like that bastard it is, to quote laurie. *smilin at her voice in my head* but thats a lot easier said than done. we've talked about those voices before, friends and neighbors, lemme just say it's a lot better than it has been... which ought to show you just how bad it was.
healing is good... but healing and changing is also scary and i can see how people sabotage their own efforts to be better, to be well and whole people. the weight issue is a perfect example... i'm down 20 pounds, but i know myself well enough to know i have to do it slowly or i will freak myself out which means i will put it right back on. with every pound that melts is another issue to look at right between the eyes and deal with.
some people use drugs, alcohol, sex, anything they can to dull their hypersensitivity to life and the potential hurt... it's a bitch to be a sensitive. i know, believe me... some days it feels like all my nerve endings are on the surface of my skin, and i feel like i can hear all the unspoken words behind tones, syntax, vernacular... being perceptive is a gift and a curse at the same time. i know that's why sometimes i will isolate myself (in lieu of drugs which i can't tolerate or afford, same with alcohol and i have two girls watching me so indiscriminate sex is out ) in order to regroup and just sort out all the sensory input and try to process my way out of my funk.
i think one of the things that has saved me time and again is my girls... to be responsible for two other people, to know they look to me for cues on how to cope and behave has molded me as a person. i know what it was to grow up with a mother that just didnt give a shit... to be so immersed in her own pain that she had no room for anyone else. that's how i got to raise my brothers and sisters... but i will say that my mother taught me what NOT to do as a mother (and a person, lets be blunt here as much as i love her) so that's a good thing. i think to wallow in your pain like that is very selfish. it hurts the people that love you the most. in turn, that only hurts you.
****
i woke up with a great story idea in my head... about an empty room. you know when you get an idea and it makes your stomach jump??? aint that COOL? i might have a handle on this spec-fic thing after all, i'm feelin pretty happy with myself. so, i'm off to check my watering holes here on the 'net, answer some emails, chat a little and see what the day brings.
life is good.
: )
of course, my first thought wasnt... "did i break my knee?" but "did anyone see that??" *gigglin*
****
i got the first two reviews of The Blood... and guess what??? I CAN RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS!!! they liked it, they got it (even more important) and i got some excellent feedback in what i need to do to make it a better story. *PHEW*. i know, i know, i need to take the self-doubt thing and whup it like that bastard it is, to quote laurie. *smilin at her voice in my head* but thats a lot easier said than done. we've talked about those voices before, friends and neighbors, lemme just say it's a lot better than it has been... which ought to show you just how bad it was.
healing is good... but healing and changing is also scary and i can see how people sabotage their own efforts to be better, to be well and whole people. the weight issue is a perfect example... i'm down 20 pounds, but i know myself well enough to know i have to do it slowly or i will freak myself out which means i will put it right back on. with every pound that melts is another issue to look at right between the eyes and deal with.
some people use drugs, alcohol, sex, anything they can to dull their hypersensitivity to life and the potential hurt... it's a bitch to be a sensitive. i know, believe me... some days it feels like all my nerve endings are on the surface of my skin, and i feel like i can hear all the unspoken words behind tones, syntax, vernacular... being perceptive is a gift and a curse at the same time. i know that's why sometimes i will isolate myself (in lieu of drugs which i can't tolerate or afford, same with alcohol and i have two girls watching me so indiscriminate sex is out ) in order to regroup and just sort out all the sensory input and try to process my way out of my funk.
i think one of the things that has saved me time and again is my girls... to be responsible for two other people, to know they look to me for cues on how to cope and behave has molded me as a person. i know what it was to grow up with a mother that just didnt give a shit... to be so immersed in her own pain that she had no room for anyone else. that's how i got to raise my brothers and sisters... but i will say that my mother taught me what NOT to do as a mother (and a person, lets be blunt here as much as i love her) so that's a good thing. i think to wallow in your pain like that is very selfish. it hurts the people that love you the most. in turn, that only hurts you.
****
i woke up with a great story idea in my head... about an empty room. you know when you get an idea and it makes your stomach jump??? aint that COOL? i might have a handle on this spec-fic thing after all, i'm feelin pretty happy with myself. so, i'm off to check my watering holes here on the 'net, answer some emails, chat a little and see what the day brings.
life is good.
: )
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