the strange planet inside my head
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tired
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I have done everything I can think of to de-stress. It aint working.
Hot bath, low lights, soothing music. Two Tylenol for the headache that won't leave me. Ate a small meal. Soft music and an attempt at a nap. The mind just isn’t cooperating today and I am so tired.
Its so easy to stand back from myself and say "You silly twit, this is all useless and you know it." But much more difficult to put into action. Now I know why kids cut themselves. It has to feel better than the pain inside. It has to come out, it has to come out.
This is one of those days that I know can happen, will happen and dread happening. Just a small trigger, a click in the ear is all it takes and the rest just comes rushing out in a tide of images and feelings and I get overwhelmed.
I think part of the reason is I haven’t talked about much of it at all. One person has a lot of the pieces and can see the whole picture, but that's taken six years and a lot of work. How do you put that burden on people that love you? or profess to love you? when trust has been betrayed at the bedrock level, where do you start?
I could start at the clinical level, and work from there. I remember when I went to a therapist when I was in the middle of a clinical depression, she asked me to tell her something about my childhood. I recited, she listened, and at the end, she said "That's truly horrible. And you tell it like it's something that happened to someone else." I remember thinking well, what do you want me to do, lady? It was a long time ago and it DID happen to someone else. Of course, this is the same lady who told me I shouldn’t leave the ex.
So, I could detail the rape of mind, body and spirit but what's the point? It happened, its still happening, and no matter how far I think I've come all it takes is a click in the ear and I'm right back where I started.
I'm not whining, I'm not crying, I'm just tired.
Hot bath, low lights, soothing music. Two Tylenol for the headache that won't leave me. Ate a small meal. Soft music and an attempt at a nap. The mind just isn’t cooperating today and I am so tired.
Its so easy to stand back from myself and say "You silly twit, this is all useless and you know it." But much more difficult to put into action. Now I know why kids cut themselves. It has to feel better than the pain inside. It has to come out, it has to come out.
This is one of those days that I know can happen, will happen and dread happening. Just a small trigger, a click in the ear is all it takes and the rest just comes rushing out in a tide of images and feelings and I get overwhelmed.
I think part of the reason is I haven’t talked about much of it at all. One person has a lot of the pieces and can see the whole picture, but that's taken six years and a lot of work. How do you put that burden on people that love you? or profess to love you? when trust has been betrayed at the bedrock level, where do you start?
I could start at the clinical level, and work from there. I remember when I went to a therapist when I was in the middle of a clinical depression, she asked me to tell her something about my childhood. I recited, she listened, and at the end, she said "That's truly horrible. And you tell it like it's something that happened to someone else." I remember thinking well, what do you want me to do, lady? It was a long time ago and it DID happen to someone else. Of course, this is the same lady who told me I shouldn’t leave the ex.
So, I could detail the rape of mind, body and spirit but what's the point? It happened, its still happening, and no matter how far I think I've come all it takes is a click in the ear and I'm right back where I started.
I'm not whining, I'm not crying, I'm just tired.
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