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i've been ruminated
Well, I did a lot of thinking, ruminating and pondering. I didn’t get out of bed until noon, and it felt pretty good lying there. I tried to grab a thread here and there and follow it to its conclusion, but like most things about life there is never really a definitive end to anything. This can be frightening, liberating or stifling, all depending on your mood and what you want to make of it.
So that’s where I am. What do I want to make of it?
I think it’s a good thing when triggers like this happen to hunker down and try to process through it rather than shut down and go into isolation mode, which is my classic MO. I wasn’t really mad at my sister (well I was, because its true, I do deserve better treatment than that but by the same token, I also know how that goes) I was just trying to deal with all the feelings the click in the ear released.
As I went through my pile of memories, lying in bed this morning, I tried to deal with them the best I could and make my peace. Because to relive that fear and pain does not diminish me, hopefully it diminishes the negative. My choice is.. do I let it define me? Limit me? Bottom line… who's going to win? If I let this stop me, if I let this determine the person I am it also restricts me in the person I want to become. In that case, I should have stayed where I was and let him continue to rape me, because in the end it’s the same. And I'm better than that.
Like I told that therapist about my childhood… those things DID happen to another person, a different person, and I can be kind to her. I can release her from the guilt, release her from the shame, and still hold her close. She didn’t deserve what happened and she didn’t ask for it, but in the end she is me and if I love her I have to love me.
I do love her.
I do love me.
I am getting better. Some time ago this would have crushed me for weeks or months even. While I know the battle is far from over, I think I won this skirmish and it feels pretty fucking good.
****
Thank you, my friends. I can honestly say if I am stronger today than I have ever been, it is because I feel such acceptance, liking, validation and love from even the people that just peek and don't comment. I feel supported. I feel the energy and I refuse to disappoint that energy.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
So that’s where I am. What do I want to make of it?
I think it’s a good thing when triggers like this happen to hunker down and try to process through it rather than shut down and go into isolation mode, which is my classic MO. I wasn’t really mad at my sister (well I was, because its true, I do deserve better treatment than that but by the same token, I also know how that goes) I was just trying to deal with all the feelings the click in the ear released.
As I went through my pile of memories, lying in bed this morning, I tried to deal with them the best I could and make my peace. Because to relive that fear and pain does not diminish me, hopefully it diminishes the negative. My choice is.. do I let it define me? Limit me? Bottom line… who's going to win? If I let this stop me, if I let this determine the person I am it also restricts me in the person I want to become. In that case, I should have stayed where I was and let him continue to rape me, because in the end it’s the same. And I'm better than that.
Like I told that therapist about my childhood… those things DID happen to another person, a different person, and I can be kind to her. I can release her from the guilt, release her from the shame, and still hold her close. She didn’t deserve what happened and she didn’t ask for it, but in the end she is me and if I love her I have to love me.
I do love her.
I do love me.
I am getting better. Some time ago this would have crushed me for weeks or months even. While I know the battle is far from over, I think I won this skirmish and it feels pretty fucking good.
****
Thank you, my friends. I can honestly say if I am stronger today than I have ever been, it is because I feel such acceptance, liking, validation and love from even the people that just peek and don't comment. I feel supported. I feel the energy and I refuse to disappoint that energy.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
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