should i be surprised? of course not.

but it sure is hard to see your kid go through things like this and keep your mouth shut. i have heard it said so many times,.... don't run down the other parent, but FUCK.

donna and her dad have been trying to repair their relationship. bit by bit, they have exchanged emails and he sent her and her sister hearts for valentine's day... and he kept asking donna is there anything you need? let me know.

well, we are back to the tooth thing. it really has to come out; it has abcessed several times but the dentist wants money up front (that we don't have.) since she doesnt get paid until this friday, she emailed her dad and said hey, could you send me some money to get this taken care of?

he emailed her back and said, well, instead of sending you the cash, how bout i just make arrangements with your dentist? (i'm rolling my eyes, here, okay? but i kept my mouth shut.)

donna said.... okay... gave him the information and told him her appointment was tuesday at 1 PM. she emailed this to him friday. she told him to let her know if he couldnt do it, so she could make other arrangements.

here it is tuesday at 11:15 AM and she's had no response from her father.

so she's sad, and crying, and pissed off. all this did was reinforce the idea that she can't trust him... and i worry how far that feeling extends, for her. she says she feels stupid for even giving him another chance... and i'm pretty sure he has no fucking clue what kind of damage he has done, which is even worse.

one step forward.... ten steps back.

trust is so fragile, easily broken and so hard to repair. i honestly had great hopes that the ex had finally pulled his head out of his ass. my daughters are AWESOME! i mean fucking beautiful, smart, funny and stand up women, and it's his loss. because i think after this, both the girls have written him off.

i vent here because i can. i vent here so i dont take the shit into the house with me. i know its personal, i know its nobody's business and who really cares, but it makes me feel better.

he is the lowest form of life there is on the planet. i hate him. i honestly do hate his guts. i hate him the most because i have gotten to the point of actually hating another human being and that HURTS.

i am actually sick to my stomach.

sleep was AWFUL last night, so many bad dreams, there was blood and screaming, glowing eyes and all kinds of other shit right out of a horror movie.

that's my life... a fucking stupid horror movie.

i look for explanations where there are none and never will be any. can i wrap my mind around that? can i just get to the point where i say FUCK ALL THIS SHIT and move past it? and what about the girls? what kind of damage is this doing and WHY WHY WHY? why?

i will never understand how a parent, no matter what their relationship to the other parent, can do anything other than put the kids first. i will NEVER understand that NEVER.

i know this just brought up all the bad feelings for donna. i know she's reliving the whole grandfather thing, and how her OWN FATHER said "My father is not going to jail!!" i KNOW that's what's going through her head.

somebody please tell me how to get rid of this hate before i choke on it.