people just reminded me of what i knew already, deep inside. but i have to confess, i have never EVER verbalized something like that before, and it felt good to puke it up somewhere.

it's funny, but i don't hate him for what he did to me, not really... i had to let that go a long time ago. and i don't know if it's really hate... but it's what he does to the girls. that just....UGH.... brings out the worst in me.

i've started writing a story, and i can feel the bad feelings, the negative energy draining off. i think it's like laurie's rug beating. i guess part of it too is i could see the potential of the situation, and feel glad for my daughter that things might be better for her, so i may have been as disappointed as she was. after further reflection, i came to the conclusion i could be projecting a lot of what i feel about my father onto her situation.

*deep breath*

ya'll hit some very thought provoking points... thank you for helping me see clearly through the haze. hate IS all about the hater... and i don't want to be a hater.

****

i have happened upon MTV Spanish videos, and that sparked a thoughtline on language, and how we express ourselves. spanish is such a beautiful language... i took three years of it in high school (although all i can remember is "donde es el bano" which means "where is the bathroom?" i though that was very important) and in watching some videos it occured to me that we have many more words in english than in spanish, and yet it's so hard to express ourselves. spanish sounds passionate, with so much emotion resonating you can get the meaning even without knowing the words.

maybe that's why americans tend to be so uptight as opposed to other cultures. we are unable to let go and express our emotions, bound up as they are in the limits of the language. i know sometimes i feel so frustrated when i think i'm not expressing myself the way i want to.

in any event, i think it's still muy importante to know donde es el bano.

:)