on my way home today, so i figured i'd enter while i can.

it's been a nice weekend, the weather has been totally awesome. sparkling nights and cool, crisp days. i have learned a lot.

i've learned how to make pigs in the blanket like my grandmother taught my mother. we have perused photo albums and a scrapbook she has of all kinds of things. we've watched movies and napped and gossiped.

she's not scared, and she's going for the chemo. she said they have not held out NO hope for her, so she's going to do what they tell her she should do. if things get too bad i'm to pull the plug, but i've known that for over a decade. as i said, she and i have talked extensively about this for years.

i'm scared. i'm scared she will be in pain, and i'm scared of what my life will be like without my mother in it. she's the only parent i have ever had.

i'm scared because between my sister's ovarian cancer last year and now this, my chances just went through the roof. so did my daughter's and my sister's. i'm scared to touch my breasts...they feel like loaded weapons on my chest.

i quit smoking. fuck that, it ain't worth it.

the lady is still waiting for her knight. shouldn't be long, now.

saf and laurie, i love you girls.

i will check in as soon as i can.