i have a lot of things on my mind tonight.

i have a birthday coming up, and i'm not really worried about it, but it has set me thinking.

i never really thought about getting older. i mean i have, in an abstract way, but not seriously. maybe because when you're young, you have so many things going on you don't really contemplate how your life will change as you get older. you're just trying to get along day - to - day, getting the babies popped out and healthy, raising them the best you can and all the work that entails.

the only thing i can remember thinking about then was, when the kids are gone, it's just going to be me and He Who Must Not Be Named...just the two of us. UGH. that prompted many a nightmare, but that's not the point of this conversation.

what happens when you get older, able to take care of yourself all your life, then you get to the point where you can't do that anymore? suppose you're single, your parents have passed on, and your siblings have moved on in their own lives and you have no children? suppose you lose the ability to get around, you can't drive, or walk, or something like that? then what?

suppose you are a proud person, ( proud meaning always self-sufficient and being the one who is there for others ) and suddenly realizing you have physical limits that weren't there ten years, five years, three months ago? how do you wrap your head around that?

is it more difficult for males to deal with than females, you think?

****

the thing about getting older is, you start to realize that life does change, it always changes. the thing is to try to be open to change, or flexible, adaptable. i wish i had thought of these things when i was in my twenties or even thirties. not that i could change anything, but maybe i could come to better terms with the fact that you have to be ready to dance, shuck and jive, do the boogie-woogie.

i remember when i got a job with a major insurance company when i was in my early thirties. it was a sweet job, especially after the jobs i had held before that... regular day hours, benefits, room for advancement, company sponsered education, retirement... i was positive that i would be retiring from that job, and i loved it. i was able to save some money ( which subsequently was eaten up and squandered by the aforementioned HWMNBN ) and feel a little security; i loved the flexibility of my job and the openess of my bosses. i learned a great deal there, and when it was announced the office would be closing it was like someone died. worse. the whole carpet of my life had been ripped out from underneath me and now i had to find somewhere to go, something to do, i had to shuck and jive.

although, in hindsight, it was the impetus i needed to change a lot of things in my life at that time that were not right and not healthy.

****

most the time i don't consider myself a particularly strong or courageous person. i tend to have tunnel vision; meaning, i do what i have to do to get through what i have to get through, and don't look at what i'm going through at the time. does that make sense? it's not until later i look back and say, "Holy shit! How did I do that? How did I even THINK of doing that??"

****

it has been a truly crappy few days, and i think i have at least one more to go before i get some kind of break. maybe i'm fooling myself thinking i'm EVER going to get some kind of break. maybe there is no such thing as a break.

all i can say is i better be burning off some major karma here.

****

i hate to think that i've done something so bad in a past life that i have THIS MUCH karma to burn off. that really bothers me.

****

there's another Guido story; a story about guests that dig in like a tick and won't leave; a story about more guests that are tricky monkeys and even more, but i'm way too tired to tell them tonight.

try tomorrow, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

:/