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maintaining
i'm a big fan of The Fray. this is their newest video, version number two. i love the way this is shot, the lyrics, the piano, his voice...
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i promised myself i wouldn't hide behind memes, quizzes or other various masks available in abundance here on the internet. i mean, once you start to pull down your pants and moon everyone, if you don't do it all the way it defeats the purpose.
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like, who would believe me at this point if i say i'm fine, everything's fine, it's all fine? i ain't bullshitting anyone, including myself.
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i'm maintaining, there's that much. i'm gritting my teeth and sinking my fingernails in, but maintaining is a step in the right direction.
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i have opened a vein and bled on these pages for a couple of reasons. one is purely selfish. i need to vent. if i keep it in an allegorical type of form, it seems easier for me to manage. sometimes the pressure is so high my chest is tight and then there's the panic attacks, which really piss me off. i can't vocalize; writing it out seems to help.
the second reason is maybe by shedding some insight into how i'm coping with depression, others might find some kind of understanding or validation. depression is embarassing -- society (in general) tends to look at it as a weakness. it's like pissing your pants in public. accidents happen, but most people tend to avert their eyes and pretend nothing is wrong. i think this is a combination of "i don't know what to do to make it better" and "if i don't acknowledge it, it isn't there and i don't have to deal with it."
or, maybe it looks familiar and it scares people.
i can relate to that. scares me too.
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i'm trying to summon the courage to write out the whole trigger to this episode, but i think that's beyond me right now. it probably would be as painful to read as it would be to write, so that might be something for the private part of this journal. nobody likes to see the accident.
i'll think about it.
i'm just grateful the holidays won't be coming around for another year.
yay.
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so, in closing....uh, yeah.
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in closing, i want to thank each and every one of you for your love, support, and compassion. i appreciate it more than i can say. i hold it close, you can believe it.
Check out TSB for the most legal fun you can have with your clothes on.
****
i promised myself i wouldn't hide behind memes, quizzes or other various masks available in abundance here on the internet. i mean, once you start to pull down your pants and moon everyone, if you don't do it all the way it defeats the purpose.
****
like, who would believe me at this point if i say i'm fine, everything's fine, it's all fine? i ain't bullshitting anyone, including myself.
****
i'm maintaining, there's that much. i'm gritting my teeth and sinking my fingernails in, but maintaining is a step in the right direction.
****
i have opened a vein and bled on these pages for a couple of reasons. one is purely selfish. i need to vent. if i keep it in an allegorical type of form, it seems easier for me to manage. sometimes the pressure is so high my chest is tight and then there's the panic attacks, which really piss me off. i can't vocalize; writing it out seems to help.
the second reason is maybe by shedding some insight into how i'm coping with depression, others might find some kind of understanding or validation. depression is embarassing -- society (in general) tends to look at it as a weakness. it's like pissing your pants in public. accidents happen, but most people tend to avert their eyes and pretend nothing is wrong. i think this is a combination of "i don't know what to do to make it better" and "if i don't acknowledge it, it isn't there and i don't have to deal with it."
or, maybe it looks familiar and it scares people.
i can relate to that. scares me too.
****
i'm trying to summon the courage to write out the whole trigger to this episode, but i think that's beyond me right now. it probably would be as painful to read as it would be to write, so that might be something for the private part of this journal. nobody likes to see the accident.
i'll think about it.
i'm just grateful the holidays won't be coming around for another year.
yay.
****
so, in closing....uh, yeah.
****
in closing, i want to thank each and every one of you for your love, support, and compassion. i appreciate it more than i can say. i hold it close, you can believe it.
Check out TSB for the most legal fun you can have with your clothes on.
Read/Post Comments (9)
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