sometimes, i freak myself out.

heh.

before you send me the name and phone number of the nearest therapist (which probably wouldn't be a bad idea, now that i think about it) this is what i mean:

i was just going through some of my Work-In-Progress in my WIP folder, and came across a one-hundred word blurt that scared me in its accuracy. wrote it months ago. it was nowhere near being true when i wrote it, and i promptly forgot about it after i did write it. but here it is, some months later, and when i read it this morning the truth burned from every sentence, every word, every letter. so brightly, in fact, i almost expected it to set my laptop on fire. i know it dinged my retinas pretty good. and that's not the first time it's happened.

what's up with that?

now i'm scared to read the rest of what's in that folder.

meep.

****

anyway, the whole point of this is --

uh.

i know there was a point around here somewhere.....

oh, yeah. here it is:

do you ever write something and find out later there was a layer you didn't know existed? or reading six months, a year later, and say, wow! holy shit, man. so THAT'S what i meant! and then break out in goosebumps?

how much do we self-delude, anyway? i mean, i try to be as honest and up-front as is humanly possible. even to myself, no matter how much it might hurt. i have children who look to me, people who i admire that i don't want to let down, but i am not honest for just those reasons. lies make me physically sick. they don't work, they're weapons of mass destruction, and no matter how painful the truth, there's beauty in the pain, if you know how to look. there is no beauty in deception, just ugliness.

****

no, i'm not a saint. hellfire, i'm as much a sinner as anyone else. i've lied to myself and i've lied to other people (oh, how it pains me to say that, really) but those were in much younger days and i learned many a painful lesson. (kudos to the devil -- it was a very, very agonizing lesson, marriage was, but i was educated, oh yes i was) so, i really try hard not to go there.

lies hurt. truth hurts. but there is beauty in truth that makes it possible to salvage something from the wreckage, if one is strong and honest. and sometimes, if you *are* strong and true, from the ruins you can build a better person. a person you can finally love, and admire.

it could happen. i've seen it. i've lived it.

****

all is quiet on the front lines, although this joint will be hopping tonight. bowling tournament.

i've already been inundated with the fumes from last night's partying -- and i wonder why my stomach is all tore up.

heh.

****

onward, right?

i can do it.



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