as days go, i've had better, but i've had worse too, so it's a wash.

****

you just know things aren't going to go your way when you wake up to a nice bout of the Screamin' Shitz. that'll teach me to eat.

****

said bout set back a much-needed business meeting. i'm at the point now where i'm about ready to outsource. i can't STAND not knowing how to do something, it's making me crazy, but i'm running really short of time here due to Circumstances Beyond My Control (which shall remain nameless due to privacy issues) and that clock is ticking mighty loud. i'm sure you hear the echo, don't you?

****

my foundation for the last decade is showing cracks. lots of them. i stare at the cracks running at insane angles, spawning other cracks, and try to read the meaning as if they were ancient hieroglyphics. i'll trace them with my fingertips, positive if i can see the pattern, i'll get the answer i'm looking for. failing that, maybe i'll find the question, which is just as important and maybe even more revealing.

i'm wound so tight i'm afraid i'm going to bust a spring. then, i'll be sprung, and do you ever come back from that?

i'm tired, and i'm tired of saying i'm tired. i don't want to be so bloody tired all the time. i feel like i spend most of my time in a haze of confusion, which some people mistake for stupidity (maybe it *is* the same.) it's so hard to figure people out, to think one step ahead, to keep on my toes. but that's part of the Mad Survival Skillz. there is no "off" switch -- it's 24/7/365. i'm constantly thinking...what if this happens? what did she mean by that? what if that happens? what is his agenda? and then THIS happens? then what? mapping out patterns of behavior, trying to discern the *real* meaning of the words chosen and spoken (like "sprikle" or whatever that was, for gawd's sake) by assessing body language, mannerisms, and tone. fit all that into the context of their family history, present family, past employment, friends and habits. give it a little twist of mutable and immutable personality traits, and you might not be able to predict behavior, but you can give it a good, educated guess.

this is how my brain processes people. my heart goes through an even more rigorous regimen.

it's wearing. it truly is wearing.

i can handle stress. been doing it a long time, and i'm still standing. the thing is, i also know after a while, stress will bring you to your knees, no matter how strong or how long you've been standing. i've been there before, you see. on my knees. (actually, i was curled up in a fetal position sucking my thumb, but it's the same principle. work with me here. i'm analogizing.) it is extremely difficult to get up from that position, i'm here to testify. i'd really rather not have to do that again. on ANY level. once was plenty.

****

so yeah, that's like, uh, a fear. or something like that.

****

of course, the triggers are everywhere. and they're tricksy.

****

i checked in a young girl and her mother. the local police department had called and made arrangements to pay for their accommodations for one night. she didn't feel safe in her own neighborhood, and they wanted to help her out.

they have a suspect in custody. he's in his mid-thirties.

she's fifteen.

happened about four blocks from here.

****

she looked very fragile, with dark shadows under her eyes. her mom carried a blanket and a stuffed cow -- i asked her, is that your cow or your mom's? and she said, it's mine, and almost smiled. the mom asked if we had any movies, and we have a whole library we rent out. while they were looking at the list (the girl was rather listless about the whole movie thing) i remembered we just got a new one in today. Juno. i pulled it out of the back and when i showed the girl, her whole face lit up. cool!

a real smile.

i hope they liked it.

****

i need to get out of there.

i'm going to look for job openings for "hermit."

i'm sure i'm qualified.


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