the strange planet inside my head
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lonely hospital thoughts at 1AM
i'm sure that none of this is going to make sense, but these are some things i need to write down and remember. it's very late, i'm on night duty for the second night in a row, but tomorrow should provide some kind of answers.
tomorrow (or today, however you look at it) Dr. Hitler will be back and Hospice will be paying a visit. from there, we'll be able to make some decisions.
****
as usual, it's the women who are holding the fort.
****
if i were gay, i would so steal my sister's partner away from her. she has been a Blessing of the Greatest Magnitude.
****
Momma: Does (xxx) have to come up?
Me: Mom....
Momma: They're a pain in my ass.
****
Me: Momma, you in pain?
Momma: No.
I go talk to Esse, the night nurse on duty.
Esse: Audrey, what's your pain level from one to ten?
Momma: Seven.
Me: *SIGH*
****
Momma: You talked to your brother *big smile*.
Me: Yes, I did.
Momma: What did you say to him?
Me: He told me he loved me.
Momma: I didn't ask you what HE said to YOU. I asked you what YOU said to HIM.
Me: (gritted teeth) I said I LOVE YOU TOO. Happy now?
Momma: (grinnin') Yup.
****
Me: So, Momma. How long have you known about the brain mets?
Momma: (looks sly and conniving.) Heh.
Me: C'mon, I'm curious. I'm thinking it went down like this: Dr. Hitler told ya the cancer was growing, ya'll knew the brain was next, you said no to a CAT scan and threatened her with bodily harm if she said anything to your children.
Momma: (snickerin')
Me: Yeah. Figured.
*****
Me: Did you see Jamtart's comment about the Grim Reaper getting a beating?
GC: I did. And I can just see the Grim Reaper going home after a hard day, and the wife saying, "Wow, honey, bad day?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh. Audrey again."
"I told you I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Gimme a beer."
****
Me: Momma, did you just fart?
Momma: Wasn't me. It was the other guy.
Me: Whatever he ate, I hope he doesn't eat it again.
****
My sister warned me that Momma found the elevator. As a precaution, they took her clothes home with them. :)
Momma wanted to walk the hall. She said, I know where the elevator is.
We walked to the elevator. She's looking at me out of the corner of her eye.
You want to get on the elevator? Get on, I say. Let's go, old woman. Get your ass on there, then.
She pushes the button and gets on. I follow.
We stand there, and she pushes the button for the first floor, the second floor, the third floor.... but she pushes the black part that doesn't do anything. She pushes it again. Finally, I push the button to the floor we're on, the button lights up, the doors open, and we fall out giggling our foolish asses off.
****
She explains to me the situation on Big Brother. I ask her if I need to take notes. She calls me a smart ass.
****
A gentleman of color walks by the room with his butt cheeks hanging out and Momma is all eyes. I said, have you ever had a chocolate bon-bon?
No, she says, but I'm putting it on the bucket list.
I'll find him, I say, and give him your number.
***
Snapshots:
The look on her face when she saw me. The way she lit up when she saw the GC. The way she glowed when she saw the GC's belly. The joy when she felt Muffin move.
Watching her sleep. Counting her breaths.
The honesty in her eyes when she said it was time and she's tired. The stubborness when I said it was okay to go, that the GC said it was okay to go before Muffin.
I can do seven weeks, she said. I can do that.
Kissing my hands when I held hers and told her how much I love her, that she has been the perfect mother for me.
****
i look at her, and i can see the young woman she was. she seems to look younger and younger to me.
****
crying alone in a hospital room in the dark sucks. srsly.
****
i think my siblings forget i'm fifty.
****
when i know more tomorrow, i'll post.
many thanks and much love to you. i appreciate more than i can tell you the outpouring of love and support, especially amidst all your own life issues. may it return to you a hundredfold.
<3
Stuck for words? Visit WordWebbing, spinning words for any occasion.
Check out TSB for the most legal fun you can have with your clothes on.
tomorrow (or today, however you look at it) Dr. Hitler will be back and Hospice will be paying a visit. from there, we'll be able to make some decisions.
****
as usual, it's the women who are holding the fort.
****
if i were gay, i would so steal my sister's partner away from her. she has been a Blessing of the Greatest Magnitude.
****
Momma: Does (xxx) have to come up?
Me: Mom....
Momma: They're a pain in my ass.
****
Me: Momma, you in pain?
Momma: No.
I go talk to Esse, the night nurse on duty.
Esse: Audrey, what's your pain level from one to ten?
Momma: Seven.
Me: *SIGH*
****
Momma: You talked to your brother *big smile*.
Me: Yes, I did.
Momma: What did you say to him?
Me: He told me he loved me.
Momma: I didn't ask you what HE said to YOU. I asked you what YOU said to HIM.
Me: (gritted teeth) I said I LOVE YOU TOO. Happy now?
Momma: (grinnin') Yup.
****
Me: So, Momma. How long have you known about the brain mets?
Momma: (looks sly and conniving.) Heh.
Me: C'mon, I'm curious. I'm thinking it went down like this: Dr. Hitler told ya the cancer was growing, ya'll knew the brain was next, you said no to a CAT scan and threatened her with bodily harm if she said anything to your children.
Momma: (snickerin')
Me: Yeah. Figured.
*****
Me: Did you see Jamtart's comment about the Grim Reaper getting a beating?
GC: I did. And I can just see the Grim Reaper going home after a hard day, and the wife saying, "Wow, honey, bad day?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh. Audrey again."
"I told you I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Gimme a beer."
****
Me: Momma, did you just fart?
Momma: Wasn't me. It was the other guy.
Me: Whatever he ate, I hope he doesn't eat it again.
****
My sister warned me that Momma found the elevator. As a precaution, they took her clothes home with them. :)
Momma wanted to walk the hall. She said, I know where the elevator is.
We walked to the elevator. She's looking at me out of the corner of her eye.
You want to get on the elevator? Get on, I say. Let's go, old woman. Get your ass on there, then.
She pushes the button and gets on. I follow.
We stand there, and she pushes the button for the first floor, the second floor, the third floor.... but she pushes the black part that doesn't do anything. She pushes it again. Finally, I push the button to the floor we're on, the button lights up, the doors open, and we fall out giggling our foolish asses off.
****
She explains to me the situation on Big Brother. I ask her if I need to take notes. She calls me a smart ass.
****
A gentleman of color walks by the room with his butt cheeks hanging out and Momma is all eyes. I said, have you ever had a chocolate bon-bon?
No, she says, but I'm putting it on the bucket list.
I'll find him, I say, and give him your number.
***
Snapshots:
The look on her face when she saw me. The way she lit up when she saw the GC. The way she glowed when she saw the GC's belly. The joy when she felt Muffin move.
Watching her sleep. Counting her breaths.
The honesty in her eyes when she said it was time and she's tired. The stubborness when I said it was okay to go, that the GC said it was okay to go before Muffin.
I can do seven weeks, she said. I can do that.
Kissing my hands when I held hers and told her how much I love her, that she has been the perfect mother for me.
****
i look at her, and i can see the young woman she was. she seems to look younger and younger to me.
****
crying alone in a hospital room in the dark sucks. srsly.
****
i think my siblings forget i'm fifty.
****
when i know more tomorrow, i'll post.
many thanks and much love to you. i appreciate more than i can tell you the outpouring of love and support, especially amidst all your own life issues. may it return to you a hundredfold.
<3
Stuck for words? Visit WordWebbing, spinning words for any occasion.
Check out TSB for the most legal fun you can have with your clothes on.
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