i want to remember how bad it is, so i can see where i've come from when i pull myself out of this.

if yesterday was hard, today was worse. i mean, i don't even know what to say about it.

i hurt so bad, all over. ever single cell in my body hurts. i'm afraid i'm pulling people i love down with me, and that thought, more than any other, puts the brakes on, to a certain extent. on the outside.

****

and it's not all bad. i know that. i know it. the GC is an angel of mammoth proportions, and my son is on his way down. i cry every time i think about that, it's been a year since i've seen him.

the people that the GC works for are some of the nicest people ever. i took her yesterday to pick up her check, and chatted with Ms. P, who is a total dollbaby. i even spoke with her boss, the King, and teased him a little about how big the GC was getting. (he's one of those guys who is really, REALLY wigged out about pregnant people and tiny babies. heh.)

Ms. P called the GC today and told her that the King said after the baby's born, if i need a job and i'm still here, i have one. no interview, no annoying application, no hassle.

of course that made me cry, too. who does that? omg, who does that?

****

my friends are stellar. absolutely stellar.

****

i think part of the problem is, i've been on defense mode for so, so long....it isn't a question of IF i get hurt, it's WHEN i get hurt. do you see? it has to be that way -- it's SURVIVAL. i think i have plenty of evidence.

it's very wearying.

****

*sigh*

****

under fire. that's what i feel like.




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