sometimes it all comes outtamyhead, and sometimes i'm just outtamyhead. period.
i guess i started this journal thingy out of boredom at a job i used to have. i stay here because i've come to know and love some of the people i've "met". you know who you are!!!
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frustrated, but hopeful!!
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live simply so that others may simply live
2006-08-25 5:34 PM
i'm going thru some changes. familial (with the daughter getting oh-so mature these days), my son is acting like a little shit (after i just commented about his big sweet heart), physical and the ever-present ever-changing mental arena.
i was diagnosed with RLS a few months back. some folks say it doesn't exist. some say i'm just needing attention. some just look at me like i'm crazy. which i am, but that's beside the point!!! it doesn't have any outward appearance like a lot of diseases. you can see a broken leg. you can't see this. but that doesn't mean it's not real. i can't see the wind, but i know it's there. just because we don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. so if someone doesn't believe me, then i don't care. it's real and it hurts and it's life-altering in some cases.
Restless Leg Syndrome. i remember seeing the requip commercials on tv and commenting that they make a drug for everything these days. i identified with the symptoms immediately. i had them occasionally. i've always had achy legs off and on. i had "growing pains" severely as a child. mom and dad would rub them, i'd take hot baths, aspirin - all that stuff. but it didn't help. fast forward 30 years and it became an every night occurrence, getting more intense every night. after not sleeping and walking the floors for some 2 weeks i saw my doctor. he prescribed the requip and i got some relief. for a while.
over the last 6 weeks the symptoms present themselves earlier each day. the dr upped the dosage of requip. again, a bit of relief. but the symptoms come earlier still. and now there's pain...a deep, aching, i don't want to walk pain.
i'm no wimp. i'm a big ol strong country girl. always did boy stuff - learned how to change my own oil, change a tire, played football - all that rough and tumble stuff. i had a baby without meds. i've worked with broken legs, nerve damage, migraines, strep, mono - all that good stuff ya get that sucks but you know, you gotta keep going.
i gotta tell ya, this is something altogether different. i've never had chronic pain. and the dr says i'm one of the 50% who get this disease that will have progression with it. oh joy. he has prescribed pain killers, a new and different schedule of requip and sleeping pills. i also have that movement disorder where i kick like a bull and flail my arms around - my hubby loves that one. i'm so glad we got a king size bed. i might say too that i am very fortunate to have found a neurologist who is very well versed and educated in this disease, and on the first try too. i'd heard so many stories of people suffering for years.
what all this means is that i have to adjust. i'm so very blessed and thankful that it's not life threatening. i realize that and i'm thankful for it, but it's getting very frustrating very fast. i've had to alter my lifestyle, and i'm sure many more changes are to come. the symptoms used to come around 8 or 9 at night. now they come at 8 or 9 in the morning. i can get rid of the crawly feeling that makes me want to walk around, buti have to take the drugs. and i can keep the pain at bay a bit, but i have to take the drugs. and the combination of drugs inhibits my ability to do a lot outside the house. once i take them there's no driving - out of the question for safety's sake. it takes some practice to get up and steady myself, and sometimes my legs fall right out from under me. i walk around here like an old old man, bumping into walls, lightheaded (that part's not so bad!!!!), dizzy and just kind of in a stupor.
i guess i'm going to have to get my head around it more than anything else. it's all happening so fast! i guess i need to expect it everyday, which is disappointing, and then if i have a good day i'll be pleasantly surprised. i'm having to rethink a lot of things. instead of just picking up and going like i'm used to doing, i have to really think about what situations i'm going to be in, if i can drive there or not, and just generally get an idea of what i can and can't do now.
it's disheartening to know that it's going to come every day. i think that's the part i'm really struggling with. it's a change i don't like. but we have the ability to adapt, don't we? and so i will. and i know that there are folks out there, professional and lay people, who are working on finding treatments and cures for so many things. maybe one of them will stumble onto something good for this too. so there is hope. there's always hope. sometimes there's nothing left but hope and prayers.
i'll eventually get my brain wrapped around it and cope. it will take some time i know. i just keep thinking "i can't believe this has happened to me". i'm only 44. i thought these things happened to old people. i wonder what the future holds for me, my family, my grandchildren to come, my job, my social life - all those things. but i will cope. i don't have any other choice as far as i'm concerned. i've had some very rough spots in my lifetime, and i've come out on the other side smarter, stronger and more determined to not let it get me down. this is one of those times.
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