outtamyhead

mememememememe

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 09:11:00 GMT

1. How late did you stay up last night?
i fell off some time after midnight.

2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
that was a sweet dream!!

3. Does anyone have a crush on you?
pleeeeezzzzz...

4. What did you do last night?
hung with ma peeps

5.What are you doing this weekend?
memes

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
aren't we always in some kind of relationship with someone

7. Do you own a stereo that cost more than $100?
i own it, but don't have it with me here. does a broken ipod count?

8. Have you ever told someone they were stupid?
not to their face

9.How's your heart lately?
same as it ever was

10.What were you doing this morning at 7am?
pondering that dream and others

11.What are/were you doing this afternoon at 3pm?
cooking and cleaning for the dinner party (sat) and i have no idea (sun)

12.What was the reason you last cried?
yesterday i was telling angel a story my dad told me about a 3 year old girl he saw get hit by a car. he picked her up and put her in the back seat of his car and took her to the hospital where she died.

yeah.

13.Whats your favorite alcoholic beverage?
really good red wine

14. MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS!
aren't so lovely down around my belly button these days

15.Can you think of someone you know with the initials B.D?
yup

16.How many red lights have you ran?
why? are you keeping track?

17.Have you ever cried while taking a shower?
yes, recently in fact. such a cleansing experience, both physically and mentally

18.what was your favorite grade?
sophomore or junior year

19.What were you doing at 12am last night?
trying to chase away the hamsters

20.What's a sure way to catch your attention?
smack me over the head usually works. or like netta, just be really kind.

21.Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
i don't know who you are, but do you live in the same world i do?

22.When was the last time you were given a gift?
every day, too numerous to mention

23.Is there anything that you are craving for right now?
yes, let me count my cravings.....

24.Where did your last hug take place?
in bed. shut up you!!!

25.Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
only my first name

26.Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but..."?
yes, i've made that mistake in the past. then i realized i was about to offend someone, so i stopped saying that and just started saying "hey dumbass..." instead

27.Do you drink tea?
yes, hot

28.When was the last time you saw a cop?
everyday

29.Did you ride in someone else's car today?
no

30.Have you made a mistake in the past week?
who, me???

31.What are you listening to right now?
mugsy snore, the furnace, me clicking on the keyboard, and the blood pulsing in my eardrums

32.Do you miss someone?
don't get me started

33.Is there anything you regret about your past?
time for a crying shower now

34.Are you happy with your life?
i refuse to be unhappy

35.Do you wish you were in a different place?
i wish i were in many places all at the same time, physically and mentally

36. Is there a feeling you're trying to avoid?
these days, if someone were trying to feel me, i'd probably let them. it's been a long time...

37.What was the last movie you saw in theatres?
p s i love you, a most excellent tear jerker

38. Are you sleeping somewhere Saturday night?
eventually

is anybody happy???

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 08:35:00 GMT

i mean really really happy???

maybe if we're really happy we have nothing left to aspire to?

i dunno. if you figure it out, let me know please.

i've just seen and talked to so many people lately who aren't happy, who aren't satisfied with their lives.

me? i'm in another transition state. i think we're always in some kind of transition. my life is half over and it seems i keep waiting for it to begin, for something to happen, but i also feel like it just keeps getting better, so i'm happy. broke, car fritzing out on me, missing ma peeps, worried about some folks i love dearly, but happy.

i think we do the best we can with what we have and keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving along. i know there are alternatives, but they really suck.

****

baby girl turned 13 yesterday. her party will be next weekend. most all of her friends are out of town for the holidays. you know, gatlinburg, mexico, fun places like that.

the weekend dinner parties continue. we've changed to sat nite instead of fridays so baby girl can be here to share in the fun. she is usually with her dad and his girlfriend on fridays.

one of our dinner guests recently explained to me the difference between a dancer and a stripper. and yes, my son is still dating the dancer, off and on, but mostly on these days.

a dancer is putting herself thru school and a stripper just does it for the money.

she used to be in school but isn't anymore. maybe she still calls herself a dancer because she thinks about going back to school??? whatever. as long as he's happy i'm happy for him.

****

this has been a really weird week for me, christmas day especially. i mean things went really wacky and i'm oh so glad it's over.

the kids were happy with their stuff, and i got to spend the day with them and my dad and had phone calls from other loved ones, so it was good, but weird.

never a dull moment.

****

love and hugs people.

is it over yet???

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 19:12:00 GMT

someone, pleeeeeeez, make it be over already.

let's see, there were phone calls i didn't want to receive that had to be taken, a project the therapist and i planned out that got found out, no money, sickness, missed connections, and just generally not real happy this christmas.

i know there are many folks who are having a worse holiday for far worse reasons, but i gotta ask...

is it december 26 yet?

a day of rest...sort of

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sat, 1 Dec 2007 10:16:00 GMT

this is the first day i've had in at least a month with not much to do. so i thought i'd catch up. i do have a few little errands to get done. NBD.

thanksgiving was great. lots of people, too much food, but i'm glad that's over. now christmas. gah. the house is decorated and looks beautiful and cute. angel's dad did the outside yesterday while the weather was kind of mild. i have a few presents to buy, but not much cuz i'm kind of broke, but that's ok. too much commercialism anyway in my opinion. i'd opt to not give presents and adopt a needy family, but somehow i've spoiled my daughter into thinking she has to get presents. that's a decision i regret now. it's not what it's all about. then again, we should help people all year long, right? and not just at christmas time.

it sucks being human sometimes. imperfect as we are.

anyhoo, things are good. still no nibbles on the job front, but i'm continuing to look. it seems it used to be easy to get a job for me, even the ones i really wanted, and now it's not. then again, i've been so busy it's been hard to focus on job hunting. the stuff of life taking priority and all.

i somehow managed to get my computer online again. i wish i knew how i did it. but i figure if i did it, i will find a way to do whatever needs to be done when and if the time comes. it's fun learning this stuff. i'm still not even a babygeek, but maybe i'll get there.

now if i could just fix the ipod. i miss my music.

i owe so many of you emails and phone calls and stuff like that. i'm gonna try and get to some of that today. tomorrow we're going to see alice in wonderland at the opera house. one of baby girl's friends is in the play. our opera house is beautiful, old and rich looking. it's like being in another world there. that should be so much fun.

hugs, people.

time

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 22:13:00 GMT

there's never enough of it.

it's speeding past and i can't catch up.

plus, my laptop is down so it's hard to find a few minutes to jump on the desktop that everyone uses here at angel's house. and i prefer a bit more privacy.

some interesting things are going on.

interesting. that's all. funny interesting, strange interesting, weird interesting.

or maybe it's just me.

i'm missing some people big time, and can't seem to be able to connect at the right times.

bummer.

we had a couple of friends over last night for dinner. that was fun. we used the new china angel bought and served dinner on her new dining room furniture. we damn near had to yell at each other the table is so big!!!

we both have that "the more the merrier" mindset when it comes to dinners and parties, and will have a full house on thanksgiving. we've decided to do a weekly friday night dinner and will be inviting anyone and everyone who wants to come - old friends and new - so if you're in or around lexington give us a shout.

something to look forward to each week.

job hunting is going ok. i've found a couple of jobs i'll check back on next week.

husband says he wants to go to marriage counseling. i told him i just can't do that right now. there's too much stuff he needs to get together for himself and there's something i have to figure out as well.

i think i already know the answer for me, but either way it's not pretty.

otherwise, life is quiet.

i dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

i'm going with good.

and interesting.

yeah, definitely interesting.

and i've got a hinky feeling about something too...

xoxo

early mornings

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 05:36:00 GMT

seems i can't sleep past 4. i think it's the universe's way of helping me to catch up with people i've not been able to contact lately.

i wish the universe would show me a way to do that when it's not what i consider to be "sleeping" time.

oh well, whaddya do, ya know?

i'm looking for a new job. i have to have some benefits, and i don't expect my husband to continue to pay for all that now that we're separated.

i went over to talk to him on sunday afternoon. could you spare a kind thought for him? he's not doing well. i don't hate him or anything, and don't wish him any ill. i'd like him to be ok, but he's not right now and i hate that. he's extremely depressed, so say the 3 doctors he's seeing. they've put him on medication and i guess he's really trying to get himself together. it's just a sad situation.

i have to take my car in to the insurance adjuster's office and the dealership today. i need an estimate from the fender bender i had a couple of weeks ago, and the brakes or rotors or struts or something have been acting up, so i kinda hafta get those fixed. (thank you, daddy!!!) i don't like it when the car won't start, but i hate it even more when it won't stop.

i also have to get a new cell phone. i dropped mine again sunday morning and it really died this time. won't even turn on. such is my life. i've been using my daughter's, and she's sweet about it, but i don't want to do that for long, even tho i pay for it. it also doesn't have all my numbers in it, and i can't call certain peeps cuz i don't have those numbers written down anywhere.

hmmm...might be a good time to make record of that, huh?

it's funny, when i was at home with my husband, i remember the days dragging by, passing so slowly, i think because i was waiting for something good to happen, which never came. now that i'm here at angel's house, it seems as if the time passes way too fast. there's always something fun going on - with 5 females in the house, how could there not be? - and there's never enough time to get everything done that we want. that's kind of nice, tho. it continually challenges us to strive for our goals.

apparently we're going to start dragging out christmas decorations this weekend. not decorating, mind you, just sorting and planning. geesh.

my dad already asked us to come over and do his tree this weekend.

ummm...no, don't think so, dad. too early, altho we'll be glad to help later.

like after thanksgiving later.

later, my peeps.

hugs and love, people.

ok, maybe...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Thu, 8 Nov 2007 21:18:00 GMT

where to start? i know i owe many emails and many blog responses and many thanks and hugs and kisses and all that good yukky mushy stuff i love so much...maybe this weekend i can get started on paying it forward to those i love so much...

ohhh ohhhhh before i forget...remember how i was talking about how we don't get enough hugs? downtown on main st today a totally young cute guy was holding a sigh that said "free hugs" and if i hadn't been the first car at the red light i'd have run right over there. he wasn't getting much action. as it was, i rolled my window down, smiled, and we each wrapped ourselves up in our own arms and smiled and giggled and hugged that way.

that counted, right??? i thought it was cute.

went back to the dentist yesterday about the tooth i had the root canal done on in may. it's been killing me, along with both sides of the back of my neck and the jaw on the other side of my face. add to that a headache that is constant. also thought i'd had a sinus infection. dentist talks to me for a really long time about everything...he's a good old friend as well as a dentist...and decides that i have TMD. otherwise known as temporo mandibular disorder.

i'm tired of disorders.

of all varieties.

gah.

anyhoo, he recommended pain pills (duh), massage (duh), jacuzzi baths (duh), muscle relaxers (duh), more sleep (duh), less stress (duh), physical therapy (ick) - anything that will lessen my stress.

funny, him.

how's about a nice roll in the hay, there bruce? not with you, but can ya hook a girl up??? i have more than a few freinds who seem to think that'll set me straight again...

and hey, really now...if we don't get too wild, what could it hurt, really??? ock!!!

so i tell him the whole story, which he knew quite a bit of already since my oldest friend in the world works for him. and i tell him how great things are here at angel's house and how we feel so happy and free and peaceful, because we do. it's amazing. it feels like the first home-home i've had in about......ok, well, forever.

i explain to him that i really feel like the stress is gone, that it was left behind at that other house, that i'm so at peace now. and he tells me that change, even if it's change for the better, can still be stressful. hence the grinding and biting and clamping i do with my teeth at night. hence the grooves worn into the bite guard i've only had for mebbe 6 months. hence the constant aches and waking in the middle of the night in screaming pain unable to move my neck.

holy shitzki, man. all because i grind my teeth???

then i think about it, and yeah, maybe it makes sense to me.

it takes me a while sometimes, but i usually do eventually get it.

it's hard for me to admit that i'm stressed, even if it's for a good change. i don't want anyone to think i have any weaknesses or vulnerabilities at all.

because i don't. dammit.

ok, so yaright. stop snickering.

seriously, i live in my own little pollyanna world where the sun won't come out tomorrow - it's out freaking now and i'm going to enjoy it!! i convince myself that everything is lovely - and most of the time it is - except every now and then i gotta take a wee break, do a reality check in my head, and have a wee breakdown.

so i did.

yes, another one. but a wee one. lasted about 45 mins, then i was all good to go again.

had coffee, got a buzz, danced and laughed all night.

i'm serious. we dance and laugh here. a lot.

i think more than anything i'm tired. very very tired. and yes it might be of the stressful emotional variety and there might be some physical tiredness thrown in too. but ya know what???

angel has a jacuzzi tub...i have meds...and i know where to go for a great massage...

(scout...you reading this??? i'll be up your way one of these days...for my massage!!!)

and guess what else???

my sister and i are going to NYC for a long weekend in january, and she's paying for the whole trip. godblessher and allthesaints.

i just got to remember to pack that bite guard.

whiiiiipppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!!!!!!! it's good, peeps. it's all good.

love and hugs ya'll. love and hugs.

wow

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Wed, 7 Nov 2007 21:49:00 GMT

my baby girl is at her dad's house tonight. she's been illin the last couple of days, but is doing some better tonight, we think.

so i'm all tucked into our cozy little apartment in the basement all by my lonesome, and i'm loving it. it's dark, quiet (except for the hum of the dryer and the kitty's motor running next to me, both very comforting sounds), i have 70's music playing softly across the room, and there are 5 tiny blue spotlights burning ever so softly hanging across the bar.

again i say...wow.

i think we feel more at home and loved and welcomed than we have anywhere in a long time. i know i do, and i think baby girl feels the same.

tonight i got uber hugs and wet smoochies and tickles from angel's girls, and i gave as good as i got. they are so sweet, you just don't know.

more good stuff...

my big baby boy is coming into town tomorrow. he'll call me and i'll get to lay eyes on him after a few days of not. we may go to our coffee shop and hang and be stupid (his words, not mine!). it will be nice to see him. i miss him. i don't care if he is 21 years old. my baby he'll always be.

today i had a very short, yet very sweet phone call with my SF. amazing what a person can actually communicate in the space of 5 minutes, huh? and yet you can spend years in the same house with a person and never know that person.

a disappointment today that i won't go into here, but it's still good. the love is there, and we'll get it done another time. circumstances what they are, ya know? sometimes it just doesn't go the way you want it to.

i also saw an old friend today who has been going thru some very rough times, for years it seems. seems to be doing well for now, and we'll get together at some point. still, it was good to see said friend looking well and sounding hopeful.

it seems my sister's boyfriend has come to his senses in some ways. i think he put his big boy pants on today for the first time in a long time, if ever. it was nice to hear. i hope he continues to do so for her sake. i like to see my loved ones pleased and happy.

when i step outside here at night, i can actually see stars. our new home is on the edge of town, kinda close to the interstate, away from most of the lights of the city. a definite nice perk to being here, among so many others.

dang, it's almost surreal down here, ya'll. i feel like i'm on vacation. i want to sleep, yet i want to experience this for a while yet, too.

i saw a report yesterday from london that adults aren't getting enough hugs. i think that might be true of the US as well. i know i'm not. i don't think a person can have too many hugs of the proper variety. i think i must do something about this lack of physical affection.

today i hugged 5 different people in person. maybe each day i'll try and up that?

ok, maybe each week i'll try. otherwise, before too long i'll be spending all my time embracing.

hmmm...i say that like it's a bad thing!!!

(cue kitty, purring in my face...grooming my hair now. funny!)

love and hugs, people. love and hugs.

my new roomies...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Tue, 6 Nov 2007 07:10:00 GMT

oh my gosh. ya'll should be here.

this house is too funny. yes, it's full of peace and calm and love. you can feel the warmth when you walk in the door. it's also full of so much silly fun.

angel has 2 daughters, one 10 - smart, pretty, sweet, kind of quiet for the most part. she and baby girl are tight. the other is 7 - a little imp. very expressive, independent minded, dramatic, hilarious.

last night the 7 yr old was walking around the house repeatedly singing "for she's a folly good pharoah, for she's a folly good pharoah, for she's a folly good pharoah......happy birthday to katherine"

except it's not katherine's birthday. and we're not egyptian.

angel finally had to tell her to stop talking. you have never seen such eyes...so much expression in those little eyes.

i'm crackin up still this morning over it.

****

we're settling in. retrieving things from the house still, need to go over there and clean up some. i hate to leave things a mess, but it always was anyway. i don't think the husband even notices really. i offered, we'll see what he says.

our "apartment" here is downstairs, quiet, cozy, dark. i love it. i'm sleeping better the last 2 nights than i have in months.

i asked baby girl yesterday morning if she was ok with this, if she needed anything. she said "mommy, i love it. i feel like we finally have a family again".

when we came back in on sunday afternoon from picking up things at the house, the 7 yr old had made a sign that said "welcome family" and had all of our names listed. then it said "family forever" underneath it.

i've always wanted a house full of happy people and fun and love, and it seems as if we've found it here. as far as i can tell, it's going really well. i think angel is happy to have the adult conversation we share and the help we provide with whatever. shopping, cooking, cleaning...it's an easier burden when it's shared, ya know? and i know she likes the fact that she's not alone in this big house. so we'll see. she's told me to not look at this like a short term arrangement. i think i can do that.

hugs and love people. hugs and love.

reinventing life again...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sun, 4 Nov 2007 08:22:00 GMT

the news can now be shared.

the kids and i have made a move. not yet full and completely moved, but it's a start.

my big baby boy is now living with his girlfriend a couple of counties over. i hope and pray that works out for him. otherwise, i don't know where he'll go and it's cold outside. i suppose it's time for all of us to grow up a bit. amazing what we can do when we have to.

baby girl and i are now living with my friend, let's call her angel, because she is an angel.

my marriage, only 2.5 years old, has been dead in the water for some time. it was suffocating. i won't go into any details here as not one thing was the problem, but suffice to say the kids and i couldn't live there any longer.

so my friend and i were talking and she offered. her husband died 6 years ago and she has a huge house - too big for just her and her 2 girls - she is the most loving person. she was almost in tears asking us to please come and live with her and consider it long term too. there is peace and love in this home, something we've not had for a very long time. it's lovely. and i am blessed and fortunate and i realize it and won't take advantage of that.

the husband got angry, but understood. he admitted he hadn't worked at the marriage, but there weren't any tears. weird, that. i think if i loved someone and they told me they were leaving i'd be inconsolable. whatever...i don't know what i expected. i don't know him at all. i don't understand...but that's ok. i don't have to understand. i just have to deal and move forward and recapture my life and my dreams and embrace all the love that i've been shown and return that love exponentially.

so today we have to go back and get some more clothes and stuff. he's being nice in vacating the place for a bit while we go, but really, why wouldn't he? i don't want my baby girl made to feel any more uncomfortable than she has been.

we'll be moving things around here at angel's place and settling in. we have a sort of apartment in the finished basement, and we'll all be sharing the middle floor...kitchen, family room, dining room, etc. it's a very nice setup for two single moms actually. again i say, i am blessed by so much.

so that's that.

love and hugs, people. love and hugs...

quickie...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Thu, 1 Nov 2007 07:04:00 GMT

i'm behind. really behind. maybe this afternoon i'll have some time to catch up on blogs and emails. i love ya, peeps.

had a fender bender yesterday. totally my fault. i hit the lady who works AT THE DMV!!! baby boy and i were in the dmv getting a new DL for him. his got stolen along with 200 bucks sat night in his wallet. (long story) pulling out to leave i backed into her car. didn't see it. she was inside working and was very nice about it. nobody hurt. all cool. (except methinks hubby is not too happy. *meh*)

i let baby girl go t or t'ing by herself, with friends, last night. :( she's too old for me to go now i guess. i handed out candy at dad's since we get zip t or t'ers here. and i visited with an old friend. nice.

i have a sinus infection, and the damn abscess tooth is killing me. i'm taking 2 antibiotics, and you know what that means...sigh...

my sister got new boobies on tuesday, compliments of her new rich boyfriend. i'd be happy to have the boobs she used to have, but whatever...she says they hurt like hell, but they're beautiful - so worth it. she'll be here in december. i can't wait to see.

work work work this week. yay.

working on a short story covering my past weekend with my dear friend. (you're right, tk, this is goot stuff!!! i LOVE it!!!)

other stuff in the planning stages.

it's all good...

love and hugs, people...

i hafta brag...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 07:58:00 GMT

baby girl got a perfect score on her statewide standardized testing in math.

perfect.

that's damn near unheard of.

*squee!!!*

better now, thank you

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:54:00 GMT

i had a little melt down last night, a little pity party.

waaaahhhhhhhhhhh...or, as a friend recently told me, go call 1-800-fucking waaahhhhhhhhhh!!!

funny, that friend.

anyhoo, better today. actually a wonderful day and evening. lots to be said for keeping busy, and busy doing important and productive things.

worked, spend time with my son outside on the patio at the coffee house under a cloudless blue sky, no breeze, and it was a perfect day weather wise. we talked of life and love and war and all those important things that make philosophers scratch their heads. he's considering becoming a nomad, hitchhiking from here to ??? i told him, if it's something he's really considering doing, he'd best get to it while he's young and unattached in any way.

i'd hate to see him go, but the adventures he'd have!!! mebbe i'd be more jealous than anything...

picked up the baby girl at school and we all came home. i turned on the tv to the digital music channels and started dancing, altho neither kiddo would join in until sir mix a lot came on singing "baby got back" and then, of course, EVERYBODY wanted to dance!!!

(BG scored a perfect score on her statewide math accountability test. that just doesn't happen from what i understand. the kid is amazing. yeah, i know, she's mine. so what??? ha!!)

so we did, and it was fun and crazy and a release for all of us. i made a sandwich for the baby girl, my baby boy left with a friend, and BG and i went to visit my dad for a bit. i dropped her back off at home to finish homework, went to the grocery, and have been sitting here for almost 2 hours trying to get sleepy enough to go to bed.

i got caught up on a little correspondence tonight - sorry it wasn't more, friends - but i'll try to do more again tomorrow.

i have a sinus infection now. that's fun. ok, not!!! so i counted, and i think i'm up to taking 13 or 14 pills a day now for whatever...crazy pill, sleeping pill, leg pill(s) sometimes, altho with cooler weather that's better, tummy pills, and now i'm taking an antibiotic 3 times a day for the tooth abcess and a different antibiotic 4 times a day for the sinus infection.

ok, i just counted. it's 15 a day.

is there time or room for me to actually eat anything?

ah hell, it's ok. i still feel good. in many ways.

must be all the pills, eh?

having dinner with a friend tomorrow night to talk about life changes and trick or treating (begging for candy) on wednesday, so i don't know when i'll ever get caught up. plus i have work every day. that's good. i need the $$$.

to pay for more drugs, apparently.

*heh*

love ya all, g'nite peeps.

i need...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 20:42:00 GMT

i need my mommy.

well, probably not my own mommy, but i need a mommy to listen to me and hug me when i cry. i need her to understand what i'm going thru, even if she doesn't approve, or to just love me thru it, even if she doesn't understand all of it. i need her to love me in spite of it or all the more because of it. i've never had a mommy like that. that's why i strive to be her to my kids. and i think it's helping them, i really do.

but right now, just for me, i need this mommy who i can tell everything to. we can cry and laugh together and talk about every aspect of it together. mommy should offer sage advice when asked, but shouldn't berate me for it - it being what i've done or what i'm going to do in the near future.

i said to a DF earlier today that i don't understand why we need certain things, and certain things from certain people, and i don't know, except that it's what makes us human. and i'm ok with being human. i got no other choice, far as i can tell.

but sometimes i just need a hug, from a real live close by human, altho your cyber hugs do help and i feel them, i really do. but i need the warmth of a smile and an arm around my shoulder.

baby girl gives me lots when i need them, and she doesn't even have to know why i need them. i can tell her i'm tired and that's enough for her. but still, i need the hugs from someone whose heart and mind are developed enough to understand why i need the hugs, and i need to know that they will still want to love me and hug me in spite of myself.

yup, i've dropped. it's a pity party. won't ya'll join me? who's bringing the chocolate and ice cream? can someone bring champagne? it always makes me giggle.

havens...

limitedspace1962@yahoo.com (outtamyhead) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 10:30:00 GMT

my summer haven - my patio - is cold. i welcome the cool weather, but trying to sit there and type or read or whatever, my hands get too cold. yes, i need some gloves sans the fingertips, but soon it will be too cold for even those to help for the long periods of time i like to be out of the house.

the coffee shop i'm at now is a new haven for me, and a much welcome one. it's in an old brick 2 story building down town. the inside is painted in deep yellows and browns and golds with purple and deep red accent colors. there are black and white photos of the regulars hanging on the walls. the coffee is excellent as is the food - the little i've had of it - and it's a very casual atmosphere. it's cozy and warm in here. the staff is friendly, young, cute - beautiful, even - the guys and the girls. they always have a welcome word for whomever comes in. the internet is free, and the music is soft and playful.

i haven't any havens in my home, such as it is. i've given up on trying to keep it organized and clean, much as my mind needs a space to be and not be overwhelmed with clutter. and yes, i'm speaking of the physical and emotional clutter that cloud up my days.

that said, my days are good, wonderful, beautiful. i've made decisions in my life lately that have given me a newfound sense of peace and calm. hopefully soon, i'll be able to talk freely about those decisions, but the time is not yet upon me.

i'm also learning that my mind, such as it is, is the most perfect haven i possess. it always has been, i just haven't allowed myself the freedom of going there. it felt, somehow, almost selfish, to allow myself that pleasure with so many others depending on me.

so for now, i escape to the coffee house, spend maybe three or four bucks, and i can read, write, think. just be with myself and my thoughts and dreams.

i hope all my loved ones can find their own special place.

xoxo