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2003-05-10 12:53 PM
Bush Not Ready to Rule Out Terrorism in Oklahoma
OKLAHOMA CITY -- The destruction of hundreds of buildings in Oklahoma City appears to be the result of at least two major tornadoes, but President Bush has warned citizens that the government has yet to rule out terrorism.
"At this time," Secretary of State Colin Powell reported in a press conference, "we are asking that all patriotic citizens in Oklahoma take a good hard look around and make sure that this damage really came from a tornado. Federal agents are analyzing evidence at the attack sites even now, searching for evidence that it could actually be the work of Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden, and they will not stop work until they have found the hard evidence that they are looking for."
President Bush spoke even more strongly. "If the enemies of freedom think that they can hide behind well-known meteorological phenomena, then they will be proven wrong. While searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, we hypothesized that the tools for terrorism were being flown around in gigantic invisible planes. Now, we see evidence that these invisible aircraft may also possess some sort of sonic weapon capable of doing as much damage as a good-sized tornado. Perhaps this was all part of Saddam Hussein's master plan, or perhaps this is the sign of a new alliance between Hussein and Osama bin Laden, with Hussein supplying the invisible planes and bin Laden supplying the tornado-making weapon. If you have any evidence -- any evidence at all -- that these attacks might have been caused by terrorists, we ask you to please contact this administration without delay. This administration is ready to invade any country, no matter how large or Islamic or oil-bearing they may be, to prevent further atrocities like this so-called tornado attack."
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stressed that the administration was not trying to leap to conclusions or find a scapegoat. "We are well aware that there is a good chance that these were actual tornadoes," Rumsfeld said, "rather than some sort of telekinetic doomsday weapon created by Islamic extremists. We simply want to explore all avenues of possibility before jumping on the 'they were just ordinary tornadoes' bandwagon. After all, that's what you hired us for." Continuing to speak to the mostly silent crowd, Rumsfeld added, "And anyway, I mean, even if they were tornadoes, who's to say that some Islamic state didn't cause them? You've heard about chaos theory. What if someone in Syria is pulling the wings off of strategically important butterflies in an attempt to undermine our national stability and destroy our precious freedom? It's worth sending in an exploratory force just to make sure."
Response to the government's announcement has been overwhelmingly positive. "If it were just a twister that wrecked my church," Oklahoma citizen Russ Walton theorized, "that might mean that God weren't happy with my way of life, like when those earthquakes hit San Francisco and killed all the gays and vegans. And I've never done anything unnatural or deviant or homosexual in my whole life, so it just can't be an ordinary twister sent from God. It's got to be them Muslims, like when they bombed our city a few years back."
When reminded that the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 was actually the work of white Christian Americans Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, Walton declined to comment.
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