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Patrick Weekes is a writer, martial artist, and acclaimed omelet chef. He eagerly anticipates the fame, fortune, and groupies that he's been told come with starting an online journal.
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2003-06-12 11:55 PM
Bush Blames Singing Frog for Disappearance of Iraqi Weapons
Seeking to dispel rumors that the Bush administration falsified or exaggerated claims that Iraq was developing weapons of mass destruction, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told what he described as “the full story” of the administration’s failed attempts to convince United Nations inspection teams of a verifiable threat. In Rumsfeld’s own words, the “bitterly ironic” tale involves “obdurate negligence, epic frustration, and one very dangerous singing frog”.
According to Rumsfeld, President Bush first discovered that Iraq was once again building weapons of mass destruction when, during a clandestine visit to Baghdad, he encountered the leader of the Iraqi arms program, who Bush described in recently declassified reports as “about a foot or so tall, green, and somewhat slimy”. The report states that Bush was “greatly disturbed” to see the frog working with several kilograms of enriched uranium and a mechanical apparatus that appeared reminiscent of early nuclear assembly plants used in the United States. The frog “had no remorse about his direct violation of U.N. sanctions, and was in fact singing and dancing as he used a clamp to assemble the uranium into an optimized blasting formation”.
In an attempt to quickly put a stop to the clandestine weapons program, Bush promptly contacted U.N. weapons inspectors, waiting for them and continuing to monitor the frog. When the weapons inspectors arrived, however, the frog “quickly stopped all signs of singing, dancing, or weapons production”, according to Bush’s report. A record from the U.N. inspector called to the scene that day reports, “Pres. Bush enthusiastically pointed us at a frog. Frog seemed ordinary in all respects. When questioned, frog gave apathetic croak. Determined threat level to be minimal.”
Below: Composite sketch of chief Iraqi arms scientist.
According to Rumsfeld, this marked a period of frustration for President Bush, who remained in Iraq for the next several weeks. At one point, the president witnessed the frog harvesting growth cultures of Botulism and Anthrax, performing an acrobatic series of leaps and spins as he did so. The president also reported that “the frog was at this time spinning a plutonium rod as though it were a dancing cane and wearing some form of conical missile plating as a top hat”. Summoning U.N. weapons inspectors, President Bush again exhorted them to action, but was again disappointed. Inspection reports on the day in question read simply, “Pres. Bush made us look at the frog again. Had given it some sort of hat. Kept making excited hand motions. Frog repeated prior croak. Determined threat level to be minimal.”
In a final discovery just weeks before the commencement of Operation Iraqi Freedom, President Bush was returned to Iraq by covert Army Ranger infiltration unit. The president was, according to the report, able to penetrate into the secret lair of the Iraqi weapons teams, where he saw “what looked like a flattened chemical canister meant to be worn concealed about the human body. The canister appeared to hold a great deal of some sort of noxious green material, but was designed so as to pass airport frisking tests, and contained no metallic parts.” At this point, the report indicates that the frog was high-kicking his way across the room, singing loudly while a full piped-in orchestra produced a Broadway-style crescendo. Incensed by such a blatant terroristic threat, President Bush secured the building and summoned U.N. inspectors one last time.
The U.N. weapons inspection report for the day in question reports, “Pres. Bush and the frog again. This time he tried to make it dance by picking it up with one hand and wiggling his fingers to make its legs flop like a puppet. Frog appeared nonplussed. Croaked monosyllabically. Determined threat level to be minimal. Pres. Bush declared he’d just bomb the damn country himself.”
Rumsfeld closed by noting that President Bush intends to end the Iraqi weapons threat once and for all by sealing the frog in cement and burying it deep in the bowels of the Earth, where it will “threaten democracy and mock presidential authority no more”.
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