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Patrick Weekes is a writer, martial artist, and acclaimed omelet chef. He eagerly anticipates the fame, fortune, and groupies that he's been told come with starting an online journal.
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2003-12-16 5:29 PM
AFC Locked: Jews Headed for Playoffs
South Dakota -- The NFL was electrified this week when, with just two games left, the South Dakota Jews were discovered to have locked a playoff spot for the first time since their inception in the 1998 expansion.
"This is a great day for Team Torah," said Jake Stillman, referring to the group of dedicated fans who attend all home games and many away games. "To see those Star-of-David helmets heading into the post-season... well, I'm verklempt."
The news has sent business into a frenzy, and many fans, as their own teams fall out of contention, are loading up on giant foam yarmulkas and merchandise emblazoned with the Star-of-David helmet logo of the Jews. Baseball caps with curly locks of simulated hair hanging down over each ear have also been popular.
While the Jews (10-5) have had a strong season, they are by no means a playoff favorite. Losses to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Washington Redskins have shown that they lack flexibility against a dedicated running offense. In "Locks and Bagels", a local sports commentary show devoted to Jews Football, Jack Armis was candid about their chances. "The Jews are downright stingy with the passing defense, and if they do give up yards on the passing game, you can bet that they always make sure to get those yards back – with interest! But they've got a banged-up front line, and they don't do well on short weeks. It's like they don't want to do any work at all in their Saturday games. You see that most of their wins are from home games – they do much better in the Israelidome than in some hostile stadium, where they don't have the Fiddler coming out to get the crowd singing 'Tradition, Tradition' after every touchdown."
While the Jews look forward to their first post-season appearance, football talk has been once again subjected to attacks by some private groups that express concern about the name. A member of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League suggested that some might find the Jews' mascot, a man wearing Jewish robes with side-hair-curls, a yarmulka, and an enormous fake nose, distasteful or stereotypical.
"I don't know what those guys are talking about," fan Bruce Johnson declared. "Those guys don't know anything about Jews spirit. We love them Jews, man! It ain't disrespectful. If those bagel-eatin' sons o' bitches could convert on third and short, I'd let 'em marry my daughter!"
When asked whether his team's mascot and image might be considered racist to some, Team Owner Joseph Running-Bull smiled politely and declined to comment.
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