Pasquinade

!Bush leading Democratic primaries in CA

Tue, 2 Mar 2004 12:28:00 GMT

Silicon Valley - In a surprising development, both John Kerry and John Edwards have been upseated in the hotly contested California Democratic primaries by a new and unknown candidate, !Bush.

With 27% of the precincts reporting, the surprising new write-in candidate has been a landslide victor in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and parts of Southern California. Steven Wright, political analyst, notes that the areas in which !Bush has won have primarily been technically savvy areas. "It's likely that this candidate, who I'm guessing is of African decent, based on the non-alphabetic characters in the name, has a strong connection with computer users. Most likely, he's a political activist in computer privacy matters, with enough business knowledge to address the concerns of Californians who have recently suffered in the dot-com crash. A grass-roots campaign, likely using a blog and flash mob tactics, has obviously gathered support with Democratic computer users in these areas."

While Democrats have launched a relatively friendly campaign this election, saving most of their attacks for incumbent president Bush, they publicly expressed dismay at the divisive tactics of the new write-in candidate.

"While this click-Bush, or however his name is pronounced, has obviously connected with voters in Silicon Valley, as well as in the technical sectors of Sacramento and Southern California, this is clearly too little, too late," said Senator John Kerry. "Dividing the votes now only gives an impression of weakness and will make our ultimate goal, victory over President Bush, that much more difficult."

Senator Edwards concurred. "For someone to garner so many write-in votes in these primaries with such a limited campaign he wasn't even on my radar is just amazing, and an impressive accomplishment. But, while he did carry the state of California, Mister exclamation-point-Bush did not show well in the American heartland, the American south, the Eastern states, or, well, anywhere except the technical markets. He is apparently a strong candidate in some technically focused districts in Washington, but really, is this exclamation-point-Bush the man to lead a national challenge? I don't think so."

Potential Democratic candidate !Bush was not located as of press time, and was thus unable to answer questions about his candidacy.

Wehr-Mart Introduces New Programs

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 12:28:00 GMT

In order to address concerns about its business practices and treatment of employees, Wehr-Mart has announced a series of new programs and initiatives designed to emphasize Wehr-Mart's position as a "community-friendly, customer-friendly, employee-friendly" organization, according to a recent press report by company chairman Hans Blitzer.

"Wehr-Mart has always been about families," Blitzer reported from atop his solid-gold throne overlooking the company's first Uber-Wehr-Mart, a store that cannot be seen in its entirety from a height of less than six miles due to the curvature of the Earth. "As such, we are pleased to move with the times and alleviate any concerns our customers or employees might have."

The first concern addressed was Wehr-Mart's reputation for monopolistic business practices that hurt small business owners. "Wehr-Mart has always believed in healthy competition," Blitzer reported via loudspeaker while a 30-foot-high viewscreen projected his image, "and we are prepared to answer any questions small town governments might have. In fact, small-town government officials trying to determine Wehr-Mart's effect on the town's businesses are invited to a free three-day seminar in Maui, where all questions are answered. Wehr-Mart is pleased to provide free air fare and hotel accommodation for any members of a local business committee or development team during their stay at our seminar, as well as $10,000 per person to defray costs associated with having to leave town. Members are invited to ask our staff the tough questions, using as much real-world data as possible for example, if they wanted to bring budgets, inventories, and financial reports for several of their town's small businesses to use in their questions, we'd have no trouble with that."

In addition, Wehr-Mart has made the unprecedented offer to protect its small-business competitors. "Small business owners live in difficult financial times," Blitzer noted, "and it is always possible that something will happen. But with the Wehr-Mart protection plan, business owners will know that Wehr-Mart will fight attempts by anyone to undercut their prices, bury them in frivolous legislation, or throw bricks through their windows... all for just a few hundred dollars per week." Blitzer added that before offering such services to businesses in a given town, Wehr-Mart is always sure to do a thorough background check in order to ensure that small businesses are not currently at risk and that such background checks often turn up sensitive information about business owners' medical and psychiatric histories, criminal backgrounds, or credit ratings. "But we guarantee," Blitzer declared, "that any business owner partnering with us will never have to worry about that information coming to light."

For its customers, Blitzer noted that Wehr-Mart is moving into the 21st century in many ways. "Customers want an all-purpose solution in today's confusing consumer world. Wehr-Mart firmly believes that it can offer that all-purpose solution. And with our new Wehr-Mart Uber-Saver card, customers will be able to save up to 15% on selected items, or even 20% or more on Uber-Saver Specials(tm), in return for their contractual agreement to avoid shopping at any store that sells a product identical or similar to products sold by Wehr-Mart." Blizter also described an Uber-Rewards program, in which customers agreed to have a standard fee deducted directly from their savings accounts in return for having allotted rations of standard supplies such as salt, toilet paper, and brand-name soda shipped directly to the customer's house on a monthly basis.

Finally, Blitzer described the heartbreaking sadness that comes with losing customers to death or disease. "Our customers are our family," he noted, choking up briefly and taking a silk handkerchief from a bikini-clad servant nearby, "and it breaks our hearts to find out that some of them fail to receive their yearly checkups. That is why Wehr-Mart has decided to accept the cost itself. Starting next month, every customer leaving Wehr-Mart will receive a full strip-search and cavity check by security personnel trained to look for medical problems that may have gone undiagnosed."

Blitzer noted that despite starting so many programs to benefit communities and customers, the company still plans to help its employees. "Our employees are what make us special," Blitzer said fondly while selecting his pleasure servant for the evening. "Many of them come to us without a solid background in economics or marketing, but we plan to help them keep their checkbooks balanced for the foreseeable future by paying our employees exclusively in Wehr-Marks," a form of currency accepted only at Wehr-Mart stores and affiliates. "Our employees will now have the freedom to spend their money exclusively at our stores, and we will offer free financial counseling, automatically tracking their purchases. Low-income employees will even have modest on-site sleeping pallets made available for them." Blitzer stressed that the new Wehr-Marks compensation program was strictly voluntary, and that employees could opt out at any time by providing proof of citizenship or right to work in the United States.

"Wehr-Mart has always believed in excellence in sales, service, and customer satisfaction," Blitzer said proudly at the conclusion of the press conference as his golden throne shot fireworks into the air and Wagner began booming from floor speakers to underscore his words, "and with these new programs, we are confident that customers will have no reason to even want to shop anywhere else. Ever."

Geek Refuses to Participate in Any Elements of Geek Culture

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 10:57:00 GMT

Fremont, CA Despite describing himself as a proponent of geek culture, Andrew Colinsen, 26, of Fremont, CA, refuses to actually participate in any elements of geek culture, sources reported.

"We were gonna go see Return of the King on Friday," Colinsen's friend Geordan Monroe told reporters. "And then Andrew got all steamed and declared that [Director Peter] Jackson's removal of the Saruman scene completely violated the integrity of the film, and that not only was he not going to see the movie, he was going to destroy the DVDs of the first two movies. We all just sighed, because Andrew is always like that... but then it hit us: Andrew has gotten so geekily snooty about his geekiness that he doesn't actually do anything geeky anymore."

David Rosario, another friend of the group, agreed. "The RotK thing is just the tip of the iceberg. When Spider-Man came out, he started out insisting that everyone use the hyphen between 'Spider' and 'Man', as though the world would end if we didn't correctly separate the words. Then he heard that Spider-Man's web shooters were being made organic rather than mechanical, and he got into this rant about the destruction of his childhood idol on the altar of commercial closemindedness. The rest of us were like, 'Dude, he still does the finger thing to shoot 'em. It even makes sense that his spider-stuff makes those webs possible. So what's the big deal?' He didn't speak to any of us for like a week."

In addition, Colinsen has permanently boycotted the X-Men movie franchise (for its "betrayal of trust and ethics" in changing the backstory of the character Rogue from her comic portrayal), the Matrix movies (for the apparent science errors involved in use of human beings for energy purposes, described by Colinsen as "a slap in the face and an insult to any serious moviegoer"), and the entirety of the Star Wars franchise (for the midichlorians). But his judgments are not limited to cinematic geek experiences, according to friend and computer buff Tony Bushong.

"Oh, Andrew? I can't play anything with him anymore. We were gonna play Neverwinter Nights as a group online, but he started ranting about how they totally destroyed the D&D system with their modifications to Power Attack and Grease, and how failing to code in the ability to wield a one-handed weapon with two hands made it pointless to even try to play the game. This was pretty ironic," Bushong added, "since Andrew had, just last month, declared that he was never playing D&D again because of the Vancian magic system, the front-loaded Ranger, and the lack of Class Skill choices for the Fighter. We switched over to d20 Modern, but he began ranting about the abstract Wealth system, and finally declared that he was giving up d20 roleplaying games altogether because of the inherently flawed system of fixed-increment randomization. I guess we'll move over to GURPS or something from White Wolf... no, no, he's boycotted those permanently, too."

Colinsen's parents are confused but supportive. "Andrew has so much fun with all his science-fiction shows," his mother noted, "although he doesn't watch Star Trek anymore, ever since the writers did something bad to one of the characters... Kes, maybe? Or it might have been that Mister Worf. For awhile, he was watching X-Files, but something with that man that smoked all the time made him so angry that he stopped watching that, too. And gosh, he was very unhappy about that new Battlestar Galactica on the Sci-Fi channel, even though he loved to watch it as a little boy. Now that I think of it, he doesn't watch much science-fiction at all these days. I guess he's just grown out of it."

Colinsen himself remains adamant in his geek status, however.

"I can't help it if my standards are higher than others," he declared when questioned by reporters. "Science fiction and roleplaying games are a huge part of my life, and I am passionately dedicated to them. And I will always voice my opinion when somebody violates the integrity of something I hold dear even if it means that I have to boycott everything science-fictional in the whole world just to show how committed I am to my principles."

Colinsen then proceeded to play with a crumpled piece of paper in his room by himself for a few minutes before declaring it "fatally asymmetrical", throwing it away, and sitting and staring at the wall for the rest of the afternoon.

AFC Locked: Jews Headed for Playoffs

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 17:29:00 GMT

South Dakota -- The NFL was electrified this week when, with just two games left, the South Dakota Jews were discovered to have locked a playoff spot for the first time since their inception in the 1998 expansion.

"This is a great day for Team Torah," said Jake Stillman, referring to the group of dedicated fans who attend all home games and many away games. "To see those Star-of-David helmets heading into the post-season... well, I'm verklempt."

The news has sent business into a frenzy, and many fans, as their own teams fall out of contention, are loading up on giant foam yarmulkas and merchandise emblazoned with the Star-of-David helmet logo of the Jews. Baseball caps with curly locks of simulated hair hanging down over each ear have also been popular.

While the Jews (10-5) have had a strong season, they are by no means a playoff favorite. Losses to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Washington Redskins have shown that they lack flexibility against a dedicated running offense. In "Locks and Bagels", a local sports commentary show devoted to Jews Football, Jack Armis was candid about their chances. "The Jews are downright stingy with the passing defense, and if they do give up yards on the passing game, you can bet that they always make sure to get those yards back with interest! But they've got a banged-up front line, and they don't do well on short weeks. It's like they don't want to do any work at all in their Saturday games. You see that most of their wins are from home games they do much better in the Israelidome than in some hostile stadium, where they don't have the Fiddler coming out to get the crowd singing 'Tradition, Tradition' after every touchdown."

While the Jews look forward to their first post-season appearance, football talk has been once again subjected to attacks by some private groups that express concern about the name. A member of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League suggested that some might find the Jews' mascot, a man wearing Jewish robes with side-hair-curls, a yarmulka, and an enormous fake nose, distasteful or stereotypical.

"I don't know what those guys are talking about," fan Bruce Johnson declared. "Those guys don't know anything about Jews spirit. We love them Jews, man! It ain't disrespectful. If those bagel-eatin' sons o' bitches could convert on third and short, I'd let 'em marry my daughter!"

When asked whether his team's mascot and image might be considered racist to some, Team Owner Joseph Running-Bull smiled politely and declined to comment.

Book Beloved by Man Who Read Graphic-Novelization of Movie

Mon, 24 Nov 2003 10:39:00 GMT

Seattle, WA Daniel Stevens, avid comic book reader, reportedly loves the graphic novel Under the Tuscan Sun, which is based on the musical version, which is based on the television series, which is based on the novelization, which is based on the film, which is based on the novel of the same name.

Id heard that this was some kind of art film or chick flick, and when I saw it between Spinecrusher and the gold-foil X-Treme edition of Eviscerator Unleashed, I thought it had been misshelved, Stevens reported to his friends and fellow comic readers Monday. But man, they have some kickass stuff in this story!

The original novel, written by Frances Mayes, involves a woman who moves to Tuscany with her husband, buys a villa, and rediscovers the beauty of life. In the film version, starring Diane Lane, writer and director Audrey Wells removed the husband via a bitter divorce, added a romantic story arc, and introduced several new characters to round out the setting and provide more audience appeal.

The novelization of the movie, written by Kevin J. Anderson, added more depth to the story by providing long sections from the viewpoints of characters not in the original book, and added an intriguing new twist to the story by having the villa Frances purchases and renovates actually be built on the ground once occupied by an old Roman cathedral that may have been haunted. The UPN series, cancelled last season, took its inspiration from the novelization, building suspense and weekly intrigue by focusing on the ghosts. Each week, a different ghost returns to the villa, and Frances, dealing with her husbands murder by the Sicilian mafia, must help them achieve closure while trying to solve her husbands murder and gain closure in her own life.

Andrew Lloyd Webbers musical of the same name removed most of the extraneous characters and focused on the love story between Frances and one of the ghosts, Armando, a knight from the fourteenth century who had given his life to save a woman who looks exactly like Frances, and who wielded a mystical talisman that Frances received when she bought the villa. The mafia, who (in a new twist from the series) had ties to the haunted cathedral, serve as the main villains in the musical.

This thing was freakin awesome! Stevens reported to his friends. The part is where Frances gets the Soulbarb thats this mystical pendant that turns into a weapon, and it can only be wielded by Frances -- and it grows into this scarlet barbed-wire armor around her in the middle of the fight with the mob guys on the roof of the villa, and she jumps onto this helicopter rope and, like, sends this viney barbed thing, like, up the rope, and impales the android pilot, and the whole thing explodes plus, shes in love with this dead dude who throws bolts of ectoplasmic energy, and the Satanic cathedral totally kicks ass. Its weird that they put it in Tuscany, instead of someplace that I recognize, but I heard that theyre putting out a movie next year, and theyre gonna move it to Vancouver to get it to film under budget.

Stevens is looking forward to reading Frances Mayes other works, including Bella Tuscany and In Tuscany, which Stevens describes as Taking place in the same universe as the main story, and Swan, an original novel. That Mayes, man, shes got some effed-up stuff going on in her head to come up with all this. This is one sick chick with some violence issues and stuff. Her fight scenes kick ass. I just wish the artists would spend more time on the fighting and not insist on big wasted pages showing the Tuscan farmland and all that crap. Still, I cant wait to see what hyperviolent gothic brain-smash she comes up with next!

Mayes was unavailable for comment as of press time.

AIDS Group Not Sure how to Respond to Benefit D&D Marathon

Tue, 4 Nov 2003 11:46:00 GMT

The San Jose AIDS Counsel, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting support and awareness for California Bay Area individuals suffering from HIV, is reportedly not sure how to react to the benefit Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) marathon fundraiser recently held by the San Jose roleplaying community.

Ordinarily, were thrilled to see anybody independently organize a fundraising event, said Mark Beyer, development officer for SJAC. And I know that I should fully support a bunch of high-school kids doing anything to raise money and awareness about AIDS. So really, theres no reason at all for me to feel ashamed and embarrassed about taking money that was raised by a bunch of geeks pulling an all-night D&D marathon. I guess.

The event drew more than 30 participants from all across the Bay Area. Organizer Bret Larson described the events beginnings as a combination of luck and inspiration. Our health teacher, Mister Ragsdale, was dissing us for playing D&D during study period, and he said it was totally useless and stupid. And this was right after he went on and on about how hed done some stupid AIDS walk just last weekend. So Jason was like, Oh yeah, well, what if we were slaying trolls to raise money for AIDS research? That totally shut Ragsdale up. He even bought us a 24-pack of Mountain Dew in support.

When I told the kids to get out there and do something to make a difference, Mister Ragsdale said, I probably should have been more specific you know, told them to do something involving being outdoors or socializing with normal people. But you have to support them. It is helping the community, right?

Participants described the marathon as an unmitigated success. (Dungeon Master) Pete Wakefield never leth me uthe non-core-ruleth in character creation, reported participant Jordan Moore, and there was no way he wath gonna let me uthe the half-dragon dark elf thortherer/ranger, ethpecially with the rollth Id gotten for him. But then he wath like, Hey, thith time youre thwinging that thimitar to help thtop a deadly ditheathe, tho go for it. It wath freaking awethome!

Jason Mitchell, co-founder of the event, said that awareness was one of the key concerns. My gnomish monk/paladin has a +17 fort save but right now, there is no fort save against AIDS. All we can hope is that the fourteen hours we spent casting fireballs and Power-Attacking half-fiend trolls with levels in barbarian helped raise money and awareness. We used a heavily altered run of Monte Cooks Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil, changing the plot so that the players were trying to find the cure to this awful disease. At the end, it turned out that there was no cure, and everybody really got the message plus, they fought a fiendish dracolich with an unholy vorpal spiked chain!

Added Mitchell, One of my players said that he wished he could take levels in paladin in real life, so that he could lay on hands and remove the disease. It would be better if he took levels in cleric so he could cast Cure Disease multiple times per day, or if he took ranks in Use Magic Device and just got a Staff of Healing while taking levels in Rogue or Bard, but still, it was a pretty cool thing for him to say.

The event raised approximately $750 for the SJAC from donations from parents and friends, many donating one penny per HP of damage delivered to monsters in the game (not counting any spillover amount once the orcs were taken past -10 hit points). Beyer was scheduled to come to Mister Ragsdales class on November 16th to receive a check from Selvarik the Half-Elven Barbarian/Bard, but has not yet decided whether or not he will attend the ceremony.

I know that there is no cure for HIV, the virus that causes aids, Beyer said, massaging his temples while staring at the e-mail from Selvarik. I know that encouraging our youth to develop awareness about AIDS is good, and that having them raise close to a thousand dollars is just fantastic. Im just not sure I can deal with a bunch of pasty-faced roleplaying geeks talking about their magic swords.

Added Beyer, Maybe they could just send us a check?

Novel Good, Provided Author is Actually Disabled

Tue, 4 Nov 2003 05:40:00 GMT

Long-time reader and informal literary critic Mark Swenson reported that For Who I Am, a novel about a young woman growing up with cerebral palsy, is a triumphant, inspiring work, provided that the author is actually disabled.

"I can't say it strongly enough," Swenson reported to his reading group on Saturday. "This is an instant classic, a great work that proves that a powerful spirit can overcome any obstacle. I mean, if [author] Pamela Wharton really does have cerebral palsy that is. I need to find out about that before I commit."

According to Swenson, the true character of the novel was clear from the very beginning. "At first I thought that it started out way too slowly, with all these long and overexplained scenes about the protagonist as a little girl being set apart from the rest of her class -- or these hackneyed bits where she was forced to play sports with everyone else, but everyone let her win. But then I realized that what the author was really doing was forcing us to see the world from her perspective, the perspective of a disabled person forced to observe. Coming from a physically healthy writer, these scenes would be terrible, but Pamela makes them shine."

Later in the book, Swenson notes that the author really dives into the "eroding and degrading" treatment that Suzie, the heroine of the story, receives from teachers and mentors. In one scene, Suzie realizes that she does not have to prepare for her class speech, or even deliver it well, since the teacher gives her an "A" regardless of her efforts. While Swenson initially criticized the language of the scene and attacked the teacher as "flat and unrealistic", he later recanted, describing the scene as a "brilliant role reversal by an author who has obviously experienced this in real life in a way that I, a healthy or 'normal' person, could never understand."

The climax of the novel shows Suzie confronting her physically healthy boyfriend and demanding to be treated as an adult, responsible and accountable for her actions and her choices. While Swenson admits that the scenes have language and word choices that would be considered "Danielle Steele-ish" in a novel from another writer, he declares that the "heartfelt honesty" of the scene gives it a "sweet and unexpected intensity" when read in the context of a novel written by someone with cerebral palsy.

"My first thought was that it was obvious, shallow, and insistent about a message we've gotten for the past 300 pages already," Swenson reported to the group, "but then I realized that the author doesn't get to stop thinking about it whenever she wants. This is her world, I assume, and she has to think about these issues all the time. It's only natural that it recur as a theme throughout her novel, and it really makes the reader all that more sympathetic to Suzie's condition -- and Pamela's, for that matter.

"Yes," Swenson finished, "by the end of this story, I had learned that little Suzie has the right to be judged for who she is, without the condescending sympathy that demotes her to a helpless creature incapable of any real accomplishments. And for a message that important, everyone but the truly heartless will be able to overlook the minor rough points in character, plot, and theme. Pamela Wharton is the best disabled writer of the decade -- maybe even the century. Provided she's actually disabled, of course."

In response to the report, author Pamela Wharton allegedly banged her head against the table several times while muttering "...whole... freaking... point..." over and over again. Sales of For Who I Am are expected to break national records, provided that Wharton is indeed actually disabled.

Bush Blames Singing Frog for Disappearance of Iraqi Weapons

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 23:55:00 GMT

Seeking to dispel rumors that the Bush administration falsified or exaggerated claims that Iraq was developing weapons of mass destruction, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told what he described as the full story of the administrations failed attempts to convince United Nations inspection teams of a verifiable threat. In Rumsfelds own words, the bitterly ironic tale involves obdurate negligence, epic frustration, and one very dangerous singing frog.

According to Rumsfeld, President Bush first discovered that Iraq was once again building weapons of mass destruction when, during a clandestine visit to Baghdad, he encountered the leader of the Iraqi arms program, who Bush described in recently declassified reports as about a foot or so tall, green, and somewhat slimy. The report states that Bush was greatly disturbed to see the frog working with several kilograms of enriched uranium and a mechanical apparatus that appeared reminiscent of early nuclear assembly plants used in the United States. The frog had no remorse about his direct violation of U.N. sanctions, and was in fact singing and dancing as he used a clamp to assemble the uranium into an optimized blasting formation.

In an attempt to quickly put a stop to the clandestine weapons program, Bush promptly contacted U.N. weapons inspectors, waiting for them and continuing to monitor the frog. When the weapons inspectors arrived, however, the frog quickly stopped all signs of singing, dancing, or weapons production, according to Bushs report. A record from the U.N. inspector called to the scene that day reports, Pres. Bush enthusiastically pointed us at a frog. Frog seemed ordinary in all respects. When questioned, frog gave apathetic croak. Determined threat level to be minimal.

Below: Composite sketch of chief Iraqi arms scientist.

According to Rumsfeld, this marked a period of frustration for President Bush, who remained in Iraq for the next several weeks. At one point, the president witnessed the frog harvesting growth cultures of Botulism and Anthrax, performing an acrobatic series of leaps and spins as he did so. The president also reported that the frog was at this time spinning a plutonium rod as though it were a dancing cane and wearing some form of conical missile plating as a top hat. Summoning U.N. weapons inspectors, President Bush again exhorted them to action, but was again disappointed. Inspection reports on the day in question read simply, Pres. Bush made us look at the frog again. Had given it some sort of hat. Kept making excited hand motions. Frog repeated prior croak. Determined threat level to be minimal.

In a final discovery just weeks before the commencement of Operation Iraqi Freedom, President Bush was returned to Iraq by covert Army Ranger infiltration unit. The president was, according to the report, able to penetrate into the secret lair of the Iraqi weapons teams, where he saw what looked like a flattened chemical canister meant to be worn concealed about the human body. The canister appeared to hold a great deal of some sort of noxious green material, but was designed so as to pass airport frisking tests, and contained no metallic parts. At this point, the report indicates that the frog was high-kicking his way across the room, singing loudly while a full piped-in orchestra produced a Broadway-style crescendo. Incensed by such a blatant terroristic threat, President Bush secured the building and summoned U.N. inspectors one last time.

The U.N. weapons inspection report for the day in question reports, Pres. Bush and the frog again. This time he tried to make it dance by picking it up with one hand and wiggling his fingers to make its legs flop like a puppet. Frog appeared nonplussed. Croaked monosyllabically. Determined threat level to be minimal. Pres. Bush declared hed just bomb the damn country himself.

Rumsfeld closed by noting that President Bush intends to end the Iraqi weapons threat once and for all by sealing the frog in cement and burying it deep in the bowels of the Earth, where it will threaten democracy and mock presidential authority no more.

Novel Problems Solved Through Identification

Thu, 5 Jun 2003 18:39:00 GMT

Paducah, KY -- The problems in Chad Jamesons latest have been solved, the young author announced proudly in a press conference nationwide yesterday evening. And beyond the record-breaking speed with which the author solved the problems uncovered in a writing group meeting two weeks ago is the impressive fact that the problems were fixed not with major revisions to the plot, setting, and characters, but by simple identification of the problems in the story itself.

It was tough, that writers meeting, Jameson noted from his podium, brandishing a handful of written critiques by fellow writers in Bay Area California. They saw my novel, Avatars of Justice, Book One: Shadow Conspiracy, and they just ripped it to shreds. I mean, they told me that my main character was, and Im quoting directly here, a vehicle for the plot, while my supporting character Evie was inconsistent and bitchy. They also told me that my big conspiracy plot didnt make any sense, my settings werent there at all, and my fight scenes were completely unrealistic. I looked at those critiques, and it looked like I had months of work ahead of me.

But then, according to Jameson, inspiration struck, when he realized that the fastest way to address the problems noted in the critiques was not to do a lengthy rewrite that solved those problems, but to instead work the problems into the story itself, identifying them so as to render them impotent.

Its a brilliant idea, I think, Jameson mused, flipping open the three-ring binder that contains the most recent draft of Avatars. For example, that critique of my main character, Hank Blade? Well, instead of reworking each and every scene to give him an actual personality, I just had two of the minor characters get together in one scene. One of them says, Man, sometimes Hank seems so cold. I dont really feel like I know him at all. And then the other one says, He gets the job done. Thats all you have to know. Bam! Problem solved! Now Hank Blade isnt an unrealized character with nebulous motivations. Hes an archetypal driven hero, equal parts Doc Savage, Wolverine, and Highlander. Joseph Campbell would be proud, I tell you.

The same sort of fix lent itself to Evie, the supporting character and sassy love interest for Hank. I didnt want to compromise my story by rewriting any of her behavior, Jameson said, so instead, whenever she did anything bitchy, I just wrote in a little bit from her point of view where it says, Evie knew that what shed just done was cruel and beneath her. She was such a nice and supporting person most of the time. In one scene, she does like ten bitchy things in a row, so I added, It seemed like shed been so mean to everyone lately. She knew that she was a nice person, though, and that it was all just part of the stress that was driving them onward the Shadow Conspiracy, and the dark forces behind it all Look at that! Shes not mean or anything anymore, and shes not inconsistent at all! That inconsistency is now depth, depth of character that relates to the stress of the novel the plot affecting the character. Its all about keeping it real, man.

According to Jameson, fixing the plot was as easy as, well, not fixing the plot at all. I went to each part where my writing buddies had said, This doesnt make sense, or This is so stupid, and I had a minor character exclaim, But this doesnt make any sense! Its so stupid! Just like that, problem solved. One minute, the reader is thinking that the novel is flawed, but then, when they see that Ive thought of the flaw, they realize that theyre just being carried along through my Machiavellian web of intrigue. Ive also gotten a lot of mileage out of somehow. Somehow, Hank had forgotten to bring his gun. He cursed. How could he have forgotten it? But he had, somehow. That just gets rid of so many issues. Theres no reason to claim that getting rid of the gun is an illogical and stupid way to force a hand-to-hand fight scene, because Ive come up with a totally reasonable way for Hank to have forgotten it: Somehow.

With other changes along these lines, from emphasizing that the villains hideout was A big dark cave with no features whatsoever to highlighting the fact that Hanks punch was unbelievably lucky to knock the guy unconscious even through a foot of bulletproof glass, Jameson is confident that he has addressed every concern that his writing group produced and unlike other authors, who might have had to take months to painfully rewrite flawed sections, Jameson did it in just a week and a half. Its just a gift I have, he declared modestly at the close of the press conference. Some people have to solve the problems in their novels with lots of work, but I can just explain mine away with a few sentences.

Jamesons writing group expressed how surprised and impressed they were at the announcement, calling the edits hard to believe and incredible. Jameson is currently accepting agent solicitations for Avatars, and anticipates it being published some time in the near future.

New Safety Signs Coming to Various Products

Wed, 4 Jun 2003 23:02:00 GMT

In light of recent lawsuits brought against major corporations by customers who accidentally misused their products, many manufacturers have announced plans to protect themselves with new warning labels and safety signs.

We had always taken the intelligence of our customers for granted, reports Steve Truman, chief publicity manager for Duraco Tools. We really never thought it was necessary to tell people to be careful with a crowbar. I mean, its a crowbar, for Gods sake. Nevertheless, in the wake of recent successful lawsuits against Duraco competitor MaxTool, all Duraco-brand crowbars will carry a sticker that reads, WARNING: For external use only.

The tool manufacture industry is not alone in being affected by recent lawsuit. As part of an arbitrated settlement agreement, HappyBurger, a popular midwestern franchise, must now include on every hamburger wrapper a sticker that reads, HappyBurger buns do not provide enough air resistance to act as a parachute. Holding a HappyBurger bun over your head and then jumping off a building can result in serious injury or even death. Trevor Atkins, a marketing executive at HappyBurger, blames a poorly conceived childrens commercial. Youd think that ordinary people would understand that just because a magical burger bun carries the kids off to HappyBurger in the commercial, that doesnt mean that an ordinary burger bun is going to help in any way when you jump off the roof of your sixth-grade classroom. Still, better safe than sorry.

PetroCo, a major gasoline corporation with pumps on street corners nationwide, has installed a series of explanatory stickers on all its gas pumps, an effort with an estimated cost of US$2.6 million. The stickers show someone accidentally mixing gasoline with styrofoam pellets, iodine, and several common household materials in order to create an extremely explosive substance, with a helpful NO written in large red letters over each captioned picture. Bob Hyatt, a safety consultant who helped PetroCo institute the changes, explains that the changes will definitely help PetroCo avoid a lawsuit. Theres absolutely no chance now that anyone could sue PetroCo after unintentionally mixing together a number of household products, since the placards very clearly explain which chemicals should not be combined with PetroCo-brand, and in what ratios to not combine those chemicals.

Finally, while the high-technology industry has been for the most part immune to accidental-misuse lawsuits, mobile phone/PDA manufacturer TechMate.Com has announced that, after recent complaints by the National Mobile Technology Safety Council, each one of its TechMate Pro FCX-5000 combination phone/personal-digital-assistant/pager/digital-camera will now be shrink-wrapped eight times with tear-resistant material with a repeating message that reads, Under no circumstances should this product be repeatedly slammed into the users groin area.

Pinhead Driver Monthly to Launch in August 2003

Wed, 28 May 2003 19:56:00 GMT

Striving to fill an underutilized market segment, Road Rage Productions announced Pinhead Driver Monthly, a 128-page full-color magazine slated to launch in August 2003.

"Magazine publishing is all about finding your niche," reported Ted Stockdale, Editor-in-Chief. "Every successful mag has got one thing going for it -- a dedicated base of users who are going to identify with the publication and its ideals. And after seeing how many pinhead drivers there are out there, I'm pretty confident that this is gonna be the next Maxim."

According to Stockdale, the first few issues will cover an eclectic range of pinhead-driving-related subjects, from proper type of car for different forms of pinheaded driving to tips and tricks that "separate the distinguished scofflaws from the mere incompetents". Staff writers and high-profile projects announced at the press conference included:

- - - The PDM guide to bumper stickers and pinhead fashion, hosted by Bev Dazzle. "The only thing better than cutting someone off," the automotive stylist reports, "is cutting them off and forcing them to spend the next five minutes glaring at your 'No Jesus, No Peace' bumper sticker and 'Drive Carefully, School's in Session' window-hanging."

- - - The PDM auto sampler, hosted by Doc Redneck. "We're open to pinheads of all shapes and sizes," the auto reviewer notes, "from the Volvo that weaves through traffic cluelessly to the SUV with the forty-degree arc of blind spot on both sides. Heck, we've even got a special issue about those tricked-out Honda Civics fitted with spoilers and riding so low that you can bottom out while driving over lane-bumps. Driving ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the fast lane in one of those babies well, pinhead drivers of all ethnicities should give it a shot at least once"

- - - - The PDM tips and tricks session, written each month by Stockdale himself. "We're aiming to show pinhead drivers that the bar can still be raised. Moving into a lane without signaling is good, sure, but if you move into a lane and then signal once you're already in there, that takes the frustration of everyone around you to a whole new level. There are too many people out there who will actually make a lane change to let somebody pass them or voluntarily miss a turn rather than swerving over two lanes at the last moment and grinding all traffic to a halt. We've got to fix that. Plus, I think we'll be able to bring out some stuff that even veteran pinhead drives haven't seen. Pulling into a lane right ahead of someone and then braking? Anyone can do that. Sending a spray of wiper fluid back into the car behind you -- now that's special."

Stockdale promises specialty issues, including "The Annoying GPS Issue", "The Eating and Make-Up En-Route Spring Spectacular", and "Traffic Circles and Cloverleaves Unlimited". "There's almost an unlimited amount of stupid stuff you can do to make the driving experience miserable for everyone around you," Stockdale says, "and we know how insanely popular it is. From the pinheaded-and-proud core clientele to the guilty pleasure purchase of the pinhead who thinks he isn't one, we're gonna be open to all comers. If I can make just one driver do one more stupid thing per day, I'll be the happiest man alive."

In an unrelated story, Progressive, Geico, State Farm, and Eastwood Insurance announced plans to raise premiums approximately 400% over the next eight months.

Roleplayer Builds Fictional Characters

Wed, 28 May 2003 13:34:00 GMT

Avid Dungeons & Dragons player and self-described critical reader Trevor Burke cannot read any work of fiction without attempting to build the fictional characters using the Dungeons & Dragons system, sources report.

"The whole mechanic, the abstraction of scores and flexibility of skills and feats, makes it a system that can account for just about anything," Burke wrote on his website, CharacterScores.com. "For example, it would have been tough to create Belgarath (from the David Eddings Belgariad and Mallorean series) under old D&D rules, but now that they've got a sorcerer class that can cast spells without preparation, it's pretty obvious that that's what he is. I'd put him at really high, like level 20 or something, with access to Polymorph Self, high-level telekinesis, and so on. His daughter Polgara is probably about level 17 or 18, still powerful but not quite up there. She's got better Illusion spells, though. I'm pretty sure that she uses Phantasmal Killer on a Grolim at some point."

According to friend Russel White, Burke's fixation with creating D&D characters to match the profiles of fictional characters started with Tolkien. "We were watching the Lord of the Rings movie, and Trevor started arguing with some geek in the next row. I mean, I play a little D&D now and then, but these guys were really getting into it about whether Aragorn was a straight-class ranger, a ranger with a few fighter levels, or some kind of ranger/paladin/fighter mix. The fact that they were making all these assessments based on a cinematic fight in a movie is just a little sad. Since then, he's kind of expanded outward steadily. Sometimes it's neat -- I mean, I guess I can see Jon Snow (from G.R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire) as a ranger6/fighter4 -- but he goes into a bit more detail than absolutely necessary. Plus, the time he started talking about Lenny from Of Mice and Men and going on and on about high strength, low int, weapon focus:grapple, and power attack it just wasn't pretty."

Burke's character assessments have provoked skepticism and controversy in the roleplaying and literary communities. PirateCat, a moderator on the ENWorld roleplaying messageboard, called some of Burke's character creations "absurd". "He's constantly inflating levels. I mean, does he really think that no one in the world is a better swordsman than Arutha (from Raymond E. Feist's Riftwar series)? He's got him listed as a rogue6/fighter7/duelist5, and he gives him an Int of like 17 or something so that he can run up his skills? Did we ever see Arutha disable traps himself? Did Arutha ever wriggle out of ropes or sneak attack an unsuspecting target? I don't think so. Doesn't he realize that the fight in Darkness at Sethanon against the Dragon Lord was an epic struggle in which Arutha could only compete because his sword was imbued with the power of the gods through the hammer sigil? I mean, Weapon Focus, Finesse, Specialization, and Improved Critical:Rapier are all well and good, but he keeps throwing in these superfluous min-maxy feats that completely undermine the verisimilitude of his character creation." PirateCat later allowed that it was just a book, for crying out loud.

The literary community remains skeptical as well. "We here at BookTalk.com support an environment of literary discussion and exchange," said Lilly Hyell, moderator and site manager. "To have someone come in and declare that Mister Darcy leveled and put all of his new skill ranks into Diplomacy between Volumes II and III of Pride and Prejudice does not really further our conversational goals. For that matter, trying to determine whether Leopold Bloom (from James Joyce's Ulysses) could be best represented by the Rogue character class, the Bard character class, or some combination of the two that just isn't what we're going for. Mister Dimmesdale may well be a fallen paladin/cleric, and if it makes Trevor Burke happy to stat him out and then declare each point in The Scarlet Letter when he fails a Will save or Sense Motive check against Mister Chillingworth (who apparently is a rogue/necromancer with Skill Focus:Bluff), then bully for him. He can do it on his own site, on a domain far, far, far away from ours"

Burke, however, remains unfazed. "As long as there's fiction out there, I'm going to read it," he declared, "and then I'm going to exhaustively analyze all the characters and try to map them to this roleplaying system." Burke went on to declare Rand from Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series "totally broken".

New Generation of Vikings Takes to Telepillaging

Fri, 23 May 2003 12:19:00 GMT

Sweyn Ulafson seems like an ordinary Viking raider on the surface. He wears the requisite horned helm, wields a fearsome axe, and enjoys nothing more than a good pillage. The only difference is that, for him, that pillage is online. Ulafson is part of a new generation of Viking raiders who are using today's technology to raid and pillage from their home offices.

"I just sit in front of the computer loading up sites to the beat of my cyber-coxswain. Some days, I don't even put on my furs and horns until three in the afternoon," Ulafson admits sheepishly. "It's so much easier to telepillage -- I can't imagine how my ancestors, may their mead cups overflow onto the tables of Valhalla, were able to handle the commute."

In recent years, "brick and mortar pillaging", as the new generation of Vikings refer to it, had come on hard times. The expenses of maintaining a "brick and mortar longboat" and bandaging "brick and mortar gangrene-infested stab wounds" were making it economically unfeasible. At the same time, pillaging was becoming increasingly necessary along the high coasts. In particular, the GIFgeld, a ritual payment made for legal use of computerized images, was hurting small companies.

Then Ulafson, and others like him, discovered telepillaging. Using a computer with an Internet connection, this new generation of e-Vikings raids coastal establishments along the coast of Geocities and other lush, verdant Internet communities.

"Just last week, we fell upon an isolated 'Transformers' fan page," Ulafson boasts, showing off the images he pillaged. "They attempted to hold us off with an 'OK box' that popped up when we right clicked on the images, but by Odin, we have trained long and well with our long-axes and directory-hacking skillz. This vidcap shot of Optimus Prime blowing apart Devastator now adorns my trophy room along with the claymore of Gregor Longtooth and the antlers of the Great Elk of Dunmuir."

In order to inspire fear in their victims, the e-Vikings have eschewed their dragon-prowed longboats in favor of fearful text-messages declaring their prowess and the dread might of their gods. After stripping the images and making fraudulent purchases from online stores with Microsoft Pillage or Norton e-Pillage Pro, Ulafson will often raze his victim's index.html file and replace the body text with the message, "0WN20R3D! 8Y 0D1N +H3 411-F4+H3R -- PH33R +H4 M4D 5K1LL2 0F 5W3YN UL4F50N!!!" which roughly translates as, "This site I send to Odin, All-Father, that all may fear the mighty prowess of Sweyn, son of Ulaf."

While pillaging efforts have seen a great increase now that telepillaging has become a viable corporate option, not all business leaders are happy. Arik Wainwright, proprietor of Wainswhenitwaxes.com, reports that e-Vikings ruined his business. "They made off with my images and my homecrafted font, they tore up my bandwidth allocation and hit me with denial of service errors network-wide, they hacked my online shopping cart system and drained my Paypal account, and I believe that several of them had cybersex with my oldest daughter Gerta. I only hope that, come spring, some of them decide to come back and shop here, eventually becoming a part of the community that they are raiding. At least they left my ad banners alone. That gives me some chance of survival..."

Until then, telepillaging will remain the latest way for Sweyn Ulafson and his fellow e-Vikings to wreak havoc and claim the spoils of conquest. "By Thor's thundering Mjolnar," Ulafson declared, "we shall not rest until friggin' Frigga, they've got porn on here! Guys, come look!"

First Pro Sale Fails to Produce Groupies

Mon, 12 May 2003 16:51:00 GMT

DENVER - To his surprise and disappointment, Todd Glaskis first professional fiction publication has failed to produced any discernable level of groupie activity, sources reported Monday. The story, Which is Sour, a play upon the term Witchs Hour, appeared in this months issue of the Unusual Skylines website. It has generated excitement from immediate friends and family members, but the expected arrival of impressed young women eager to get a published writer into the sack has, as of press time, failed to materialize.

I actually sold Which Is/Witchs back in February, Glaski reported from his writing room, carefully spelling both titular possibilities. It didnt really net me the chicks, though. This one girl at a bar just off campus seemed kind of interested, but it was really loud, and I had trouble explaining how the magical sweet-and-sour pork that the half-Celtic, half-Chinese protagonist learns to prepare really ties into the title and displays the overall theme of the work. Im pretty sure she was getting impressed enough from what I did explain that I might have gotten a little Authorial Intrusion out of it, Glaski added, waggling his eyebrows and making little quote-signs while uttering the pun in question, but then her pager vibrated and she had to go off and see who it was, and I never ran back into her.

Undaunted by his early failure, Glaski decided to try again in May, when his story was actually published. Looking back on it, he added, it was possible that the girl at the bar thought I was making it up you know, bluffing about having a sale thats considered pro for purposes of joining the Science Fiction Writers of America. But when it came out, I could carry around a printed-out copy of the story with the Unusual Skylines banner on it, along with some business cards I printed out that have the permanent URL to the story right on them. I figured Id be fighting the author-loving babes off with a stick.

Glaski also elected to target his groupie-attracting efforts to a more focused group, attempting to strike up conversations with students at the University of Denvers Creative Writing department, where Glaski takes classes. The women of Denvers Creative Writing department, however, appeared unimpressed with the publication. Most of the women, who, according to Glaski, prefer writing about bad sex and dead relatives and other non-genre stuff like that, had not heard of the magazine. The one woman who did display some recognition of the magazine immediately lambasted it for its typical genre-driven insistence on plot rather than stripping away all feeling and emotion to pierce the heart of the narrative extant. The co-ed in question also declared that Glaskis mixed-race protagonist sounded objectified, and after hearing the particulars of the story, asked if Glaski had seen Like Water for Chocolate, which apparently worked with similar themes.

Glaski, however, remains undeterred. Its obvious that the mainstream artistes here dont have any real appreciation for groundbreaking fiction that isnt afraid to expand the boundaries of traditional narrative especially if it happens to deal with a neo-pagan witch whose emotions get transferred into her food. When I head out to WorldCon this summer, though, Ill have my pick of the SF-loving ladies. Its gonna be one gigantic Female Fan Lollipop with a Crunchy Me center.

Jay Harmon, one of the fiction editors at Unusual Skylines, seemed surprised at Glaskis preconceptions about the science fiction field. He thinks hes gonna get what? Really? Hunh. Um, our magazine strives to develop new writers and promote an open and imaginative experience. We pay pro rates, and for a 4,500-word short story, thats enough for a nice dinner, good wine, and dessert, with a bit left over to get some CDs. I dont recall ever suggesting that getting published in our webzine would get you any action. If he can get sexual favors as a result of having been published here, Id certainly like to hear about it.

For now, however, it appears that, sexually speaking, Glaski is on his own.

Bush Not Ready to Rule Out Terrorism in Oklahoma

Sat, 10 May 2003 12:53:00 GMT

OKLAHOMA CITY -- The destruction of hundreds of buildings in Oklahoma City appears to be the result of at least two major tornadoes, but President Bush has warned citizens that the government has yet to rule out terrorism.

"At this time," Secretary of State Colin Powell reported in a press conference, "we are asking that all patriotic citizens in Oklahoma take a good hard look around and make sure that this damage really came from a tornado. Federal agents are analyzing evidence at the attack sites even now, searching for evidence that it could actually be the work of Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden, and they will not stop work until they have found the hard evidence that they are looking for."

President Bush spoke even more strongly. "If the enemies of freedom think that they can hide behind well-known meteorological phenomena, then they will be proven wrong. While searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, we hypothesized that the tools for terrorism were being flown around in gigantic invisible planes. Now, we see evidence that these invisible aircraft may also possess some sort of sonic weapon capable of doing as much damage as a good-sized tornado. Perhaps this was all part of Saddam Hussein's master plan, or perhaps this is the sign of a new alliance between Hussein and Osama bin Laden, with Hussein supplying the invisible planes and bin Laden supplying the tornado-making weapon. If you have any evidence -- any evidence at all -- that these attacks might have been caused by terrorists, we ask you to please contact this administration without delay. This administration is ready to invade any country, no matter how large or Islamic or oil-bearing they may be, to prevent further atrocities like this so-called tornado attack."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stressed that the administration was not trying to leap to conclusions or find a scapegoat. "We are well aware that there is a good chance that these were actual tornadoes," Rumsfeld said, "rather than some sort of telekinetic doomsday weapon created by Islamic extremists. We simply want to explore all avenues of possibility before jumping on the 'they were just ordinary tornadoes' bandwagon. After all, that's what you hired us for." Continuing to speak to the mostly silent crowd, Rumsfeld added, "And anyway, I mean, even if they were tornadoes, who's to say that some Islamic state didn't cause them? You've heard about chaos theory. What if someone in Syria is pulling the wings off of strategically important butterflies in an attempt to undermine our national stability and destroy our precious freedom? It's worth sending in an exploratory force just to make sure."

Response to the government's announcement has been overwhelmingly positive. "If it were just a twister that wrecked my church," Oklahoma citizen Russ Walton theorized, "that might mean that God weren't happy with my way of life, like when those earthquakes hit San Francisco and killed all the gays and vegans. And I've never done anything unnatural or deviant or homosexual in my whole life, so it just can't be an ordinary twister sent from God. It's got to be them Muslims, like when they bombed our city a few years back."

When reminded that the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 was actually the work of white Christian Americans Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, Walton declined to comment.