Some of you may have read or are familiar with the Five Love Languages books. In essence, each person has particular ways they prefer to give love and receive love: gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. These fall on some sort of continuum for each person. The trick is to discern a loved one's language and respond accordingly. You can shower a person with words of affirmation and love, but if they prefer acts of service, it's not going to mean much.

So, OK. But when it comes to Christmas and birthdays, it seems that regardless of one's predominant "love language," the default response is to purchase (or perhaps make) a gift. And I'm wondering why it needs to be that way, and whether gift cards feed into that one size fits all approach.

Miss Manners has discussed this issue with considerable sass in the past. I couldn't find any of her columns on this, but I did find this article which is excerpted below.

A gift, ideally, says, "I thought about you. I considered your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants, your dreams and desires, and found you this token of my esteem that I hope will delight you."

A gift card says, "There! Checked you off my list."

It's not just me that says so. Judith Martin, the doyenne of etiquette known to millions as Miss Manners, dismisses gift certificates -- and, by extension, gift cards -- as "a pathetic compromise convenient to people who do not trust their judgment about selecting the right present for those whose tastes they ought to know."

I waffle between adoring and abhoring Miss Manners, and despite the fact that I have given gift cards, and received them gratefully, and will probably do so in the future, I feel the truth in her statement!

Many young people are so enamored with gift cards, with being "empowered to make their own choices," as one retailer laughably put it, that they don't even realize what they're missing. Older people might, but hey, they're busy, cards are convenient, so what's the harm?

The harm is that the art of gift-giving is quickly devolving into an entirely commercial exchange. How much longer until we simply start thrusting wads of dollar bills at each other?

The time factor is an interesting one. I can see gift cards being a fun gift for children and others who are short on money but longer on time. But for people for whom the opposite is true--who are short on time but have the financial resources to buy things they need or desire--or for people who don't like shopping--how is a gift card a particularly nice gift?

Unless it is a gift card for a restaurant/spa/movie/service, perhaps.

Sure, the old way included plenty of opportunities for misfires -- for the tie shaped like a fish, the sweater that's six sizes too big, the dolls from the aunt who could never figure out that her teen-age niece no longer played with Barbies. But those experiences taught us the fine art of tact and diplomacy, of expressing gratitude to people who tried to make us happy, however bizarre the actual result.

It also drove home the point, as few things do nowadays, that special occasions are about people -- not about getting more stuff or increasing our net worth.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I think fish ties and ill-fitting sweaters can also be given out of desperation, ignorance of the person's desires, guilt, the need to make sure person X and person Y get an "equal" amount of stuff, etc.

If you find yourself purchasing gift cards, maybe the solution is to buy less and think more. Do these folks really need to be on your gift list, or would you all be better off getting together for coffee or drinks and skipping the exchange? If you really need and want to purchase a gift, maybe you can start brainstorming ideas year-round, rather than panicking at the last minute and settling for a piece of plastic.

There's also the economic impact of gift cards--basically giving companies an "advance" until the gift card is spent, not to mention gift cards that expire or get lost.

Again, I've given and received gift cards, and will do so again, I'm sure. To a great extent, it *is* the thought that counts. Good gift giving is hard, as it should be to some extent, because gifts have the potential to communicate that we truly see another person--what brings her joy, his personality, needs and desires--and what could be a greater, well, gift to someone?

Thoughts?