Sr. Sprtcs Speaks

My name was Sister Spartacus when I was still in the Order of the Sisters of the Holy Ovaries. I was asked to leave the convent because of problem punctuality. I never really understood what Sister Superior meant when she referred to the Lord's Own Good Time, I only knew that I wasn't having one.

Being sent back into the world so suddenly meant taking a room in the local economic disaster center. Well, it's not a room, exactly, it's more like an upper bunk and a bottom drawer in a clothes chest donated by the Salvation Army.

So now I'm looking for work. I heard there was a position open as a zoo keeper, so I applied. As a former teacher at St. Polydor the Excitable Martyr High I think I am qualified to be an animal caretaker.

Now, after so many years in the convent I'm not comfortable out in the world, no matter how hard I try.

When the interviewer asked if I had a hobby I answered: "Why, yes! I just took up smoking and I'm up to three packs a day, already!"
He looked at me as if I had just disappeared.

So...I'm trying to write a book.

The working title is: "Reflections in Genuflection." Non-Catholics probably do not know that nuns must take three vows as part of their marriage ceremony to God. (Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience) Having just been divorced from the Lord God Our Father, I do not know whether to go into a divorce adjustment group or find a Spiritual Incest Survivor's 12-Step Program.

Seems it's a question of translation of my religious life experience into job skills. Going from the Vow of Poverty to the minimum wage isn't much of a stretch, I'll admit, but going from Chastity to Safe Sex? That's a hard one isn't it? Possibly I can enroll in an evening school. Take a refresher course in Remedial Sex Education with an emphasis on Flirting.
Perhaps a short course in Beginning Wrestling.
After my years of Obedience to the
Will of God I seem to need an Assertiveness Training Class. Or... I could work for a Surgeon.

I might look into funding to open a small business: I thought I could open a Bingo Parlor and Rosary Repair Service but my new friends say that would be a form of clinging to my past, so I said:
"How about a Lingerie Boutique and Condom Distributor Ship?" Then again, with all my years as Choir Director and Language Instructor behind me I could offer my services as a Rap Group Interpreter.

Changing from full-time soul-searching to an exhaustive job search is making me tense, so I went to a Yoga Placement Agency for counseling.
They told me that I was just trying to avoid confronting life;
in their opinion that was why I had joined the convent in the first place. They said they couldn't help me.
I was astonished to hear their parting words.
They were the same four words I had last heard at the convent:
"Hit the Road, Sister.”