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It's hard to tell sometimes whether things are genuinely overwhelming, or whether I'm just in a bad place brain-chemistry wise, which makes things seem harder than they actually are. I'm having one of those days. I am afloat in a sea of unease.

The brake light came on in my car over the weekend, which is bothersome, since the brakes were (supposedly) fixed a month ago. The car is handling fine, and there's no squeaking or grinding, and one of the indicator lights beside the brake light has been broken forever and eternally informs me that my seatbelt isn't latched even when it is, so maybe it's just a bad indicator. But I've been through the experience of driving a car and having the brakes suddenly and catastrophically fail (in the mountains of North Carolina, no less) and it was one of the most flat-out terrifying experiences of my life, and I have no desire to repeat it. Which means I should take the car into the shop sometime, which means another day lost to riding around on buses, being late for work, etc. etc. The very idea makes my spirit sag. And let's not even discuss the fact that I can't afford to pay for any more car repairs, period, full stop. Not if I want to pay for the wedding too. I've already spent about $1,700 on car maintenance/repair this year. (And, to provide a sense of perspective, we bought it for $1,800.)

The wedding is a whole other source of anxiety. It seems like a great out-of-control thing at this point. I don't even have a list of all the things I'm supposed to do yet. I can't decide if making such a list would help relax me or only make me hyperventilate.

I had my first ever migraine on Saturday night. The headache woke me around 5 a.m. I have never experienced pain of that magnitude. It was like knives behind my eye, with accompanying nausea. I huddled on the couch in the dark and wept, and then the sun started to come up, and the light made my head hurt worse. The painkillers eventually kicked in enough that I was able to fall asleep. But I do not relish the prospect of getting future migraines. I feel like I'm disintegrating.

And we lost our key to the laundry room. And we need to go grocery shopping. And I'm not working on my novel enough. And I don't exercise enough. And all I want to do is live someplace in the country and write books all day but that seems more and more like an impossible dream.

Life feels very difficult today. I'm just thankful that we're between issues at work, so I won't be all stressed about the dayjob. I don't think I could handle hurtling toward a deadline today.



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