Well...I had it out with Ben today. I tried to get him to calm down in the car after a couple of stupid drivers had him fuming, badly enough that I felt it was affecting his driving. When I tried to explain that his response to me was part of a pattern of behavior I'd bought up before, he exploded at me, and then ended the argument by screaming "Fuck you!" at me repeatedly and then trying to drown me out with the stereo...and that was 5 minutes from the house. The rest of the way to Moorpark, the 45 minutes before class, all through class, and about the first 10 minutes or so after class - not a word. We didn't say a single word to each other. When I finally got sick of it and asked him if we were done playing this stupid little game, he accused me of starting it, and the argument started up fresh. I told him I didn't appreciate his screaming and swearing at me, he told me I was a baby, He tried to walk away from me and I wouldn't let him...it wasn't good.




We got to the point where he went to sit in the car to get away from me and I wouldn't let him shut the door, because I wasn't finished talking to him yet, so he started trying to slug me, and actually clawed at my hand to get me to let go of the door (he left small slashes in my hand, I'm not making this shit up). After a few minutes, he left the car, and I went back to get my cell phone, which I'd left behind when I left the car earlier. We then got into it again, and this time, things got completely out of hand. Among other things, I kept walking away from him, because he repeatedly was up in my face and screaming at me, and I finally told him that the reason I was trying to get away was because when he does that, he scares me. I mean, for Christ's sake, he's got 3 inches and almost 100 pounds on me, if he lost control, he could really hurt me! I don't have any faith in his self-control, because he has a lot of anger that he holds inside, and denies, and I know it's going to spill over someday, probably on me. For some reason, he thinks that he's having an adult discussion when he has screamed at me to the point that I stop responding to him, because I'm afraid if I interrupt, he'll snap. That to him seems to signify that we're conversing like adults. I should let it go and walked away when it seemed like he'd said his piece, but I was upset, and angry, so I made a snide comment as I was starting to walk away, which got him screaming at me about being a baby again (and I really wonder why it is that I'm the baby when he's the one who throws fits and tantrums until he gets what he wants?). He accused me (which he had done earlier) of whinig and moaning about everything, and then told me that my problem was that everything was everybody else's fault and that was why I was such a whiny little bitch, etc., etc.




Which is when it happened. I snapped, and everything that I had been trying to get past, and put behind me, and change, came rushing back. I screamed at him. "Everything is my fucking fault! Everything, every single thing that has gone wrong in my life is my fault!" I went on, about what a shit I am, how nothing in my life is good right now, because I fuck it all up, how I'm not a good person, not the person I wish I was, or that my friends seem to think I am. It all came pouring out. And now I don't know what to do... All my progress, everything I thought I'd achieved in rebuilding myself in the last 4 years, is gone. I've lost myself again, and now I'm afraid I'm going to end up right back where I was 4 years ago, crying myself to sleep, and hating every moment of my life. Dear God, what do I do now?