Perhaps it is simply because I don’t truly believe that I have the skills, the power, and the determination to be in the physical shape that I’d like to be in, but the good little American consumer in me feels an overwhelming urge, since committing to lose weight once and for all, to go out and “buy stuff.”

Every time I get distracted at home or at work I troll the internet for purchases that will help me lose weight. I’ve considered joining Weight Watchers and eDiets. I’ve thought about taking Alli, despite all of the disgusting side effects caused by the drug. I’ve looked at gym equipment that I have neither the budget nor the space for. I’ve considered hiring a personal trainer.

So far, I’ve managed to resist the urge to purchase pointless diet aids by purchasing only a book on strength training for women and my first set of weights. I’m proud that I’ve managed to stay away from so many of the diet gimmicks that have tempted me up until now. I can’t help but wonder, why am I so easily tempted? Perhaps, if I were more optimistic, I’d be shopping for the clothing I’ll undoubtedly buy and wear when I’m four sizes smaller or I’d be booking mountain biking trips to New Zealand instead of looking at fat blockers and appetite suppressants. I don’t think I’m looking for a magic pill. I know that this will be hard, that losing weight is up to me. I just want…help. It makes me sad that I’m considering taking up smoking again in the vain hope that it will help me to actually, finally, lose these extra pounds.

I’m still battling to maintain a positive attitude. I’m getting frustrated that my healthy eating and exercise plan just does not seem to be working. I’m wondering why my body will just not cooperate the way that I’d like it to. I’m considering seeing a doctor to find out why, why I’m doing all the things I need to be doing and *still* not seeing results. I’m trying not to get tired of the whole ordeal.

I recognize, though, that the only thing that I’ve ever managed to do consistently is to be inconsistent. I’ll follow a healthy diet and exercise plan for two weeks, only to indulge in burritos and ice cream and be sedentary for a week. So for the next six weeks, I’ve pledged to walk/jog twenty miles on the treadmill each week, adding intervals at least three times per week. I’ll continue my diet of fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, beans, and legumes. I will try like hell not to get discouraged.

2.5 pounds down, 47.5 to go.