I decided to try responding to a online personal yesterday. The nice thing about anonymity is that you can write whatever the hell you want and not have to worry about someone looking at you strangely the next day. But I am expecting the men in white coats to show up at my door any day now.

"The weather is beautiful today and as always on a day like today I'm reminded of Kurt Vonnegut's claim that even in his sixties the first nice day of spring would bring on the urge for him to lie to beautiful women.

"I'm intrigued that you are still actively looking for someone more than a year after I first saw your picture on this service. You are drop dead gorgeous and clearly have a lot going for you. Although at other times, I would consider a woman as beautiful as you to be beyond me, this first fine day of spring and the spectre of Kurt Vonnegut have convinced me that the reason for your continued presence at on this service must be your failure to meet me.

"Yes, despite the fact that my income is below your suggested minimum, and despite the fact that I am an atheist not a spiritual person, and despite the fact that I do have a fourteen year old daughter who is three inches taller than you, and despite the fact that I like football and basketball much more than baseball, on this first nice day of Spring I am in fact convinced that if you were to meet me it would be the end of your days of posting to this service.

"Why? Because no other person that you meet on this service is as sweet as I am. Because despite my misgivings about my appearance, two women in the past year (neither of whom I was related to) have informed me that I am a damned handsome fellow. Because I can spend a whole day just kissing someone without getting bored or wanting anything more. Because at my job I am a nice caring person willing to sacrifice a lot for people who I hardly even know, and whom many others would rather just cross the street to avoid going near.

"Furthermore, I can tell our personalities will mesh perfectly and that I will find you as delightful as you will clearly find me. Our affection and passion will be mutual and together we shall find contentment and happiness.

"For these and for numerous many other reasons that should you meet me you will find amazing and wonderful, and because it is the first nice day of spring, and because the spectre of Kurt Vonnegut is whispering in my ear right now telling me it is so, I am convinced that without a doubt I am the man of your dreams."

(Ed. note 6/6/03. She got enough of a kick out of it to write back, but either my follow up or the pictures I sent with it did not work and I never heard from her again.)