I have been feeling really good physically the last week or so. Since I am accustomed to living with pain, not having it has been like losing a faithful friend. How else can I explain my need to self-inflict?

Explanation: I've been sucked into the online dating vortex. Really fun having someone tell me I am pretty (they have poor eyesight!) and a nice person (I already know that but nice to have it affirmed). Also meeting people from all over the country is interesting. You would be amazed how many single parent, antiquities dealers are working in either Nigeria or Afghanistan and needing money to get back home or pay for their child's surgery! And they all seem to gravitate to me (I think I have an invisible sign or something that says I am gullible, stupid or desparate on my forehead!). At first, I decided to make it my mission in life to expose these charlatans and put them in their place. Then I realized that it won't make one bit of difference; they will just move on to someone else who I pray is smart enough to figure them out and it is only wasting my time. So I developed a stategy to quickly weed them out and throw them to the wayside. Finally I met someone relatively local to me. We met for dinner, really hit it off and have been chatting faithfully. His wit and intelligence are a perfect match with mine and I found myself beginning to like him considerably. Until I realized he is still on the site looking. Now how ridiculous do I feel! Just because I decided on my own to become monogamous and stop trolling (no other word for it!), why did I allow myself to believe he would do the same? I'll tell you. It is this subconscious need for pain! Because it did hurt when I found out. Now to his credit, he was truthful when I asked. So there again the need to inflict pain on myself surfaces again!

So I think I will walk a long way tomorrow and reinstate the physical pain because this emotional pain is much much worse! And there aren't any pills to help overcome it!