I think this is the greatest, saddest, weirdest, funniest, most tragic, perplexingly brilliant story of the week.

Wow. Cat Stevens. Somewhere out there, Harold and Maude are having a good cry.

(That is, when they’re not enacting the most unsettling sex scene in film history.)

…wait, open that parenthetical back up again.

(

Thank you.

Can I go off on a tangent here? Am I really a superficial prick for having issues with Harold and Maude – a love story about two soul mates transcending age, um, to the extreme? The one flick in history which really conveyed how beautiful a love can be that disregards the physical, the external? Am I the asshole in the room? Look, I was completely on board with the wonderful quirkiness and spirit of Harold and Maude. And then, out of NOWHERE, they had to put granny in bed with junior. Not only did that permanently damage my fragile eggshell mind, but more importantly it ruined the movie for me for life. There’s simply no turning back.)

OK, back on topic: My favorite stories are always the ones I still haven’t made up my mind about yet. But still, Cat A.K.A. “Yusuf Islam” Stevens? (He’d probably prefer Yusuf A.K.A. “Cat Stevens” Islam) A terrorist threat?

Really?

Maybe, I guess, indirectly. I mean, stranger things have happened. Like, namely, Cat Stevens becoming Yusuf Islam. And Yusuf’s already got street cred for saying nutty stuff in the past. You know, like the kind of statements that get your old records run over by a steamroller in the Midwest.

Oh wait. I live in the Midwest. Scratch that.

Or, on the flip side, this story could simply serve to demonstrate some of the unintentional comedy of racial/ethnic…religious (do I go there?) profiling.

Speaking of unintentional comedy…am I the only one staying up late thinking up new titles for old Cat Stevens songs? Or is that just because I’m the only homosapien on earth right now who hasn’t been able to watch television in the last week? Yeah…on second thought I bet Letterman’s writers are all over this one. But just to be sure, let’s see what we’ve got thus far:

C’mon ride the war plane (that’s a gimme)

The first detainment is the longest (BAY-bee I know!)

I’m looking for a hard-headed fundamentalist (ugh. Bad.)

Tom Ridge has spoken (Worse.)

It’s not time, to go to Maine, just relax, serve me peanuts…

…Okay, I really do apologize – this sounded like a much better idea five minutes ago. I’m tired. School. Bed. Now. [thud]