"Panda Watch! The mood is tense! Ying Ling or ... Ying Seen or ... Zoo handlers said, 'You can't go in there because he will literally rip your face off.'"

(Come out here, panda-jerk!)

As a relatively new media hack, I've come to learn you can count on the summer's two Absolute Laws of Journo-Dynamics. They'll never fail you:

1. (a)If you have a source you need to contact immediately, that person will be on FUCKING VACATION. 1(b) Unfortunately, there are no effing exceptions to 1(a). None, whatsoever. (Fuckers.)
   
   
2. If you write for a paper, you're gonna be assigned the annual Retarded Summer Heat Story.

Sad thing is, someone emailed that above satire to our entire editorial staff - the proverbial mirror held to our guilty sensationalizing faces - and they still had the huevos to hand me the assignment. Unbelievable.

But hey, don't take my word for it, we're dealing with this phenomenon across the country:

Out on the island, Frosty had a particularly douchebag-like Second Law entry, even by Frosty standards.

In her hometown of Gary, Indiana, Racist Tostitos Fiesta Bowl Loser took time off from being racist to inform us how people are using these things called "swimming pools" when it's hot.

I'm telling you, there's no getting around The Second Law.

"That squirrel can water ski."