“Bad” Grades

After a few years, students understand completely how school works. They know the scholastic rules of the game, and they can predict accurately the kind of feedback they will get from the school for various kinds of behavior. On the bus, in the classroom, on the playground, they know what is expected and what will happen if they don’t play by the rules.

This means that students know how to make good grades, and how to make bad grades. Some students’ ability to make good grades may be limited by their academic talent, but any child can make bad grades if he/she chooses.

This is an area of the children’s lives over which they have real control. If, for some reason, a student decides to make bad grades, there is absolutely nothing any parent or teacher can do to force students to improve their report cards. I have talked with parents who made truly amazing efforts to help their child achieve better grades, and I have learned that it is a power struggle the student can win every time.

Mom or Dad sits with the child to make sure every piece of homework is completed correctly. They email teachers to make sure their child hasn’t forgotten an assignment. They pay for tutoring. They deliver impassioned speeches on the importance of good grades for a successful future. They take away privileges and offer bribes. They call a counselor. After all their hard work, parents get really upset when the student makes lame excuses for homework never turned in or tests covered with red marks. The report card filled with bad grades proves that the student is in control, not the parents.

I learned an important lesson from a 13-year old client whom I will call Katie. Her mom wanted me to talk with Katie because of the bad grades she was bringing home. After years of being a responsible student, making the grades that were good for her, Katie was now doing terribly.

Her mom explained to me that she and Katie’s dad were separated. The parents had been fighting too much, and they both realized that their affection had been eroded by years of taking each other for granted and leaving problems unsolved. Separated, things were better for them, but not for Katie.

When I talked with Katie alone, she told me how she was making her “bad” grades and why. She knew that she was smart in math, so she worked the problems on her tests correctly to maintain her self-esteem. Then she erased the correct answers and put down wrong answers to get the bad grade she wanted.

She had learned that if she brought home a test with a good grade, mom would be pleased over this expectable behavior. But, if she brought home a failing grade, her mom would become very concerned and call her dad to talk with him about what they should do about this problem. Katie’s bad grades resulted in her mom and dad talking in a cooperative way about their concerns for her, working toward Katie’s goal of her parents’ saving their marriage. They spent hours together developing parenting strategies to improve her report card.

What Katie’s parents didn’t know was that her bad grades were working very well, but on her project of reconnecting her parents, not their project of a good report card. She didn’t mind the F’s if it increased her hope of her family together again.

What was especially impressive about Katie was her ability to understand and tell me what she was up to. She had a good reason to get bad grades, and it is my belief that it is not unusual for students to trash their grades for some understandable motive, which they may or may not understand consciously. Until they change that goal, parents will feel only frustration.

Therefore, I recommended to Katie’s mom and dad, and I suggest to other parents in that situation, that they admit defeat, acknowledging that their child is completely in control of his/her academic performance. This suggestion typically comes as a shock to strong, caring parents.

I do not want the parents to stop caring about grades, or withdraw needed help. I suggest they make it very clear they understand that the grades belong to the student. This means that parents stop hovering and pushing, give up bribing and punishing, and stifle the impulse to make repetitive speeches. Although this change in parental behavior may feel odd, even wrong, it often has positive results. If it doesn't, it is important to find out why.

It is pleasant and satisfying to make good grades. Students know that without being told. They receive all kinds of benefits in the school for trying hard academically and being responsible students. If the parents relax and give their student responsibility for his/her behavior in school, unless there is some reason not to, children will pull their grades up and enjoy the fun of a good report card.

If there is some reason why the student has chosen to make “bad” grades, the parents and others who are concerned about his/her welfare can work together to identify that motive and respond to it. In thinking about why students would make bad grades intentionally, many family therapists would believe that, like Katie, the children are responding to some kind of family issue, such as marital problems, overwhelming family stress, unbalanced or inconsistent parenting, etc.

This is not to say that all bad grades are “bad” like Katie’s. Students can suffer from a variety of disorders and disabilities that affect academic performance. They may have social struggles, personality conflicts with teachers, or genuine failures with good effort. Some use drugs or make other choices that dull their ability to think and learn.

So when a report card is disappointing, it is important to discover whether the problem is within the student or in the family and social network that surrounds and influences him/her. Parents, teachers, and counselors may prefer to find the cause in a diagnosis or the student’s character, so mental health treatment can solve the problem. In my opinion, however, there is often nothing wrong with the student, and the grades are only “bad” if you don’t understand the student’s life situation. If that is true, the problem must be addressed by changes made by the parents and other adults who create the relationship system surrounding the child.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007