Change

I pay attention to the process of change, to my personal reactions and the systemic responses around me, because most of my patients are working to make big changes in their lives. People seek help from a counselor when they are having trouble adjusting to something in their lives, struggling to make changes in themselves and in their surroundings to move their lives toward stability and success. I have noticed three things that seem important.

(1) Change is tiring. Old, familiar ways are comfortable, even if they don’t work very well. I complained for years that our operations were not fully computerized. But now, as I try to figure out the programs on my new, networked computer, I almost find myself wishing that we had not made this change. I know this is not a good reaction to the newness and difficulties of the new system, because I am sure the day will come when using it will be comfortable, but I feel it anyway.

Interpersonal systems theory describes the “rubber band effect,” which says that we are attached to our spot in life by forces like an invisible rubber band. When we move from our accustomed place to a new place, by changing ourselves or the way we do things, the rubber band is stretched and pulls us back toward our old spot. The farther we move, the bigger the change, the harder the rubber band pulls against it.

This theory about the difficulty of making and sustaining changes, even very good changes, describes how I can feel. It is fatiguing to keep resisting the tug toward the familiar as day by day I work with changes, until the new spot and new practices begin to feel normal. The learning point for me is that change makes me tired. When my patients report deep fatigue, I can understand that better.

(2) Change is stressful. Stress is cumulative. It doesn’t matter whether stresses are positive or negative, welcome or unwelcome, they just add up. When our stress load begins to approach our capacity, we get uncomfortable. When our stress load exceeds what we can manage, we don’t cope well, and we get symptomatic.

I sometimes compare this to carrying a backpack. When our load is light, or if we are really strong, it doesn’t matter what we are carrying. But when our shoulders and legs are hurting and we don’t feel like going on, it is time to dump out the backpack and examine our burdens, deciding what we must carry, what we want to carry, and what we can get rid of.

Frequently this examination of stresses reveals that there are big burdens that we cannot change and will carry because it is the right thing to do. But, there are often many lighter, less-important stresses that can be resolved, reducing the total load significantly.

When changes are coming rapidly from every direction at me or my clients, our stress can become uncomfortably high. Then it is time to dump out our backpacks, examine every concern, worry, responsibility, and problem, and figure out how we can make our lives easier.

3)Change induces pessimism. Facing new situations seems to make me focus on the negative. This tendency to give more importance and emotional weight to negative experiences than to positives makes it easy to feel discouraged and pessimistic about the future, even when the long-term picture is bright. I notice that I am likely to ignore important positive elements of change, filling my thoughts instead with less-important negative aspects.

If my wife and I manage to earn more money, I fret more over our increased tax bill than I enjoy the occasions when our budget can be more relaxed. When road crews are improving the highway I commute on, I am bothered by slow-downs more than I anticipate driving on a smooth, free-running highway.

I believe that we humans are deeply programmed by all the millenia of human experience to pay more attention to negatives, such as threats, pains, and losses, than to successes, delights, and good times. That makes sense, because the negative things can kill us, while the positive ones can only make us happy. Since almost every change has good and bad effects, it triggers this programmed response, and we emphasize the negative.

When our personal struggles or the changes that we face are major, this tendency seems to become stronger than usual Negativity about life and about the future are important elements of depression and anxiety, so many of my patients find their minds full of negative thoughts and feelings most of the day. It is often useful for me to direct their attention to the good things in their lives, suggesting that they consciously remind themselves to notice and nurture hopeful, positive experiences.

Change is a part of life. Something very important would be lost if our lives were completely stable. Even if we are stressed, fatigued, and pessimistic during our times of signficant change, those times are also challenges that can bring out the best in us.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007