Often it is in the first phone call that I begin to hear what has gone wrong in a marriage. The person who makes the call feels bad enough to do that, so before we can get to the time of the appointment and instructions about parking, his/her unhappiness just overflows. I hear the beginning of the story of stresses, hurts, and disappointments that have eroded their marriage.

When the joint counseling begins, both the husband and the wife tell me their sides of the story. It’s usually all negative, a recounting of years of a gradually declining relationship, or sometimes a disastrous decision that has thrown the marriage into crisis. I ask questions about their history and about the situation that brought them to the decision to seek marital counseling. Before long I have heard the basic facts of their deteriorated relationship.

At that point I ask them to shift gears and tell me what is still working well in their marriage: “What still makes you glad to be together?” Sadly, some couples are unable to think of one thing about their partner or their life together that they still respect and appreciate. The majority of couples begin almost grudgingly to name positive qualities in each other and elements of their life that they enjoy. “She is a great mother.” “He coaches Little League.” “We always have fun on vacations.” “He has done a beautiful job on our landscaping.” “She remembers my sister’s birthday.”

The change of the atmosphere in the room is almost tangible. When we start talking about these positive elements of their relationship, they start looking at each other more often. The tone of their voices lightens. They may even smile or laugh when they remember a nice moment

Typically they can tolerate this kind of less-hurting, less-angry interaction only briefly. Soon someone shifts back into a negative mode, explaining how the negatives overwhelm the positives, and elaborating again on the partner’s shortcomings in character or behavior.

When it becomes clear that even with all their pain, anger, guilt, and anxiety both spouses want to repair what is broken in their marriage, the real work of treatment begins. Obviously we have to find ways to stop the negative behaviors by which they hurt each other. Their unresolved conflicts and poor habits of communication must be addressed. This is the part of treatment that I call “putting out the fire,” because clearly their marital home cannot be repaired and rebuilt if it is still in flames.

In every session, even when we are working on extinguishing negatives, I again draw their attention to the things they like about each other and the parts of their life that are still happy. With decreasing resistance they reminisce about happy times, or recall what attracted them to each other, or tell me about shared goals they hope to achieve. Again the energy in the room turns positive. With each repetition of this exercise, sitting on the loveseat in my office affirming the positives, feeling gratitude for each other and their marriage, their relationship grows warmer, more connected, and more affectionate.

When they can be grateful in my office, I often suggest a homework assignment. Every day they are to remember and add to their list of things about their partner and their shared life for which they are grateful. By this daily practice of gratitude they rediscover the positive qualities in each other that originally drew them together. They generally also find ways that they have grown or developed as people since courtship. They notice each day the ways, large and small, in which their lives are easier, more pleasant, and more fun because they are together.

Serious conflicts must be addressed and poor communication must be improved, but I have concluded that it is by focusing on the positive elements in their personalities and in their life together that a troubled marriage is healed. Kind words and affectionate gestures come more naturally. Sexual intimacy becomes fulfilling when partners can relax together in a warm, trusting, passionate and playful atmosphere.

Conflicts seem less serious when partners view the other’s weird ideas or odd preferences as the strange behavior of a person with lots of other positive qualities. In short, it is hard to get yourself in the mood for a nasty fight when you are deeply grateful for each other, when you are aware of all the ways you enhance each other’s lives.

People who are just starting to date someone new often tell a family member or friend about this very interesting person and all of the positive qualities that are being discovered as the romance grows. The couple’s mutual appreciation and respect grow, and they find themselves feeling happy and grateful for their times together. This process of increasing gratitude for one another is a key element in falling in love. In the same way, rediscovering gratitude is an important part of healing a troubled marriage so that an estranged couple can fall in love again.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007