I’m a dad. I have two sons and two daughters, and I feel deeply blessed to be their father. I work hard at being a good dad, doing the things that a man can do to care for my children. They are, without reservation, a wonderful, fulfilling part of my life.

I will never forget the experience of becoming a dad when my older son was born. It was an astonishing, miraculous, frightening, and fatiguing day, so I know I did not fully understand what it meant when the nurse put my son into my arms and said, “Congratulations, dad.”

Now I have experienced three more unforgettable birth-days, and I have matured enough to have a fuller awareness of how it changes a man’s life when the birth of a child converts him from just a guy into a dad. I have also had the privilege of listening to men talk about the impact of fatherhood on their lives.

I have learned that, along with all the wonderful things about becoming a dad, there are also important negatives. I decided to write about these negative parts of the male experience of new fatherhood because I believe it would help men who are new fathers to adjust to that change more smoothly if they understood the unpleasant experiences and negative feelings that are a completely normal part of becoming a dad.

I have become even more concerned about this transition in a man’s life when I have listened to many couples tell me that the deterioration in their marriage began with the birth of their first child. I believe that becoming parents for the first time is the most important normal transition that couples face in a lifetime together. When that change is not handled well, the damage to their relationship can be deep.

In short, I believe that, unless proactive steps are taken to prevent it, husbands may become emotionally distanced from their wives as a part of their shared experience of becoming parents. It is a step-by-step process in which the man loses important elements of the happiness that his wife provided before the pregnancy.

It starts when the pregnancy test is positive. Suddenly the husband is no longer the most important person in the wife’s life. It is not that the wife has a reason to love the husband any less. Her love for him may intensify, but she naturally invests much of her emotional energy in her pregnancy, wanting to do everything to be a good mother. Her energy for her role as wife is reduced, and the welfare of her baby correctly takes priority over the happiness of her husband. This is a significant change from what a man feels in courtship and early marriage.

In the first trimester come morning sickness and hormone levels that make the mother more intensely female than she has ever been before. Women are a mystery to men under normal circumstances, but the experience that a pregnant wife is going through is totally incomprehensible to her husband. He may no longer feel much confidence that he knows how to care for her, and as she experiences all the different parts of being pregnant, his efforts to be close and supportive may seem inadequate.

Most men think that trying to get pregnant is a delightful project, because it means making love with a special significance and intensity for both partners. But, as the pregnancy progresses, the sexual life that they have enjoyed is affected, and the fun for him may diminish. Her shape changes and she gains weight, so she may feel less desirable. Sexual activities that were enjoyable in the past may become uncomfortable. For many couples their sexual relationship wanes as the pregnancy progresses, and perhaps for the first time, weeks may go by without sex.

After nine long months the blessed event arrives, and again men have almost no way of relating personally to the experience of childbirth. At best, husbands cheer from the sidelines as the wife does something difficult, even heroic. She rightly gets most of the credit for the bundle of joy in the nursery. He gets tired and goes home from the hospital to sleep alone.

Mom and baby come home, and life is never the same. A full night’s sleep becomes only a fond memory, and Mom is tired all the time. Dad goes back to work, and wanting to be a good modern dad, he also does some childcare and housework, so he is tired too. The idea that he and she might do something romantic seems almost a joke.

Breastfeeding is wonderful for the baby, but the hormones involved in nursing extinguish libido. A new mom’s body knows that it is not good for her to get pregnant again while her baby is very young. After she has recovered fully from delivery, dad begins to suggest that their sex life resume. If she is nursing, the answer that her hormones give her is “Never!” When she agrees to resume their love live, her enthusiasm is reduced.

The husband misses the full attention and sexual warmth of his wife. Times for just the two of them, for relaxing fun and fulfilling sex, for projects together and talk about workplace challenges, seem a distant memory. If he talks about how he feels, his wife has little energy to give to his concerns. It is more likely that he will be quiet and withdraw emotionally a little from the marriage. At this point, the new dad often begins to invest his emotional energy in other parts of his life, especially his job and earning the money that is necessary to provide for his expanded family.

A slow decline in marital connection and satisfaction has begun, and both may feel it, but there seems no alternative to their child-focused life. The needs of children trump adult wishes every time. After years of devoting themselves to loving children at the expense of their love as a couple, they end up sitting miserably in a counselor’s, or worse in an attorney's office.

This trajectory toward marital distress has no single cause, and it is probably best understood as a normal dynamic, with no one at fault. Clearly, it can be avoided if both the new mom and new dad are aware of this danger. They can find ways to stay close and adjust their life together so that their love as a couple remains strong, maturing and growing to include love for their children.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007